I need ADVICE!!!!

Reply Thu 13 Aug, 2009 02:55 pm
I have been in a relationship for 4 years, just got married last year. We have a daughter who is not even a year yet. We argue alot, I get alot of verbal and somtimes physical abuse. Recently I saw my ex and have been talking with him and hang out sometimes. I feel like I want to be with my ex, but if my marriage wasnt so bad I would not have feelings for my ex. Im in a crappy marriage and I know I should leave especially for my daughters sake, but Im scared and just really confused. I mean the arguments get bad he will other belittle me, break my stuff, threaten me, hit me, or whatever the case may be, and sometimes I think is it really me all the time or what. I just need someone to talk to, please!!!!
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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 1,328 • Replies: 13
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Reply Thu 13 Aug, 2009 03:42 pm
I might have suggested that you seek relationship counselling, but if he abuses you physically I think it is time to plan your exit. Don't wait too long.
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Reply Thu 13 Aug, 2009 04:11 pm
There are a lot of people here who will post to help you. Some of us have posted many times before, and even being on the other end of advice giving can be kind of hard to write. In the meantime, aside from just saying you are very right about your instincts, and listen to yourself -
I'm going to look for some links to good threads that could be helpful for you.

Well, there are some at the bottom of the page. I'm not sure they're all the really good ones (haven't checked). I'll see what I can find.
Reply Thu 13 Aug, 2009 04:23 pm
Adds, no, those threads at the bottom aren't all about what you are asking about.

Here, I just put "abusive" into the googling a2k white box at the top right of the page and got all these - (click)

In the meantime, I remember some very moving, serious threads on this subject, but not the specifics. Will post if I find them.
Reply Thu 13 Aug, 2009 04:27 pm
As for your ex, again - listen to yourself.
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Reply Thu 13 Aug, 2009 04:33 pm
I don't know what help is available in your local area but I'm sure if you look in the phone book you'll find numbers for counselling and support for women in abusive relationships, or you could call a general helpline that can refer you. You should be able to get advice and I hope practical support for when you're ready to leave. Once you realise that there are people out there that care and want to help you maybe it won't seem so scary.
Good luck.
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Reply Thu 13 Aug, 2009 05:17 pm
Welcome to A2K

If he is physically hurting you I say it is time to leave. Now. Check in your area for domestic violence shelters. (from a safe computer, not one where he can track where you have been browsing. ) Keep the information handly and when he becomes angry, leave.

If you can create an exit strategy all the better, but there are things you can do right away to protect yourself. If you are the US I would check into getting a court order of protection (they don't cost anything) but they will prevent your husband from being able to return to where you live and possibly hurting you and your daughter.

I lived in a verbally abusive environment for too long. My mom was physically abused by my stepfather. Even though he did not physically abuse me, the situation did not allow me to realize I was doomed to repeat my mother's behavior. If you don't leave him for your own sake, please please please think of your daughter. Do what you need to protect her from him.
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Reply Thu 13 Aug, 2009 05:18 pm
I sense some self esteem problems. If you were assured of your own self worth, you would just get out of the relationship for you and your kids sake. Why do you continue hanging around an abusive guy? Hes just a coward (all abusers are) who gets his jollies belittleing you and taking out his own self esteem problems on you.
Calling up help on a pbb is symptomatic of stuff that you must work out with you. We have some very savvy ladies on this boardwho wouldnt countenace this form of abuse on them. Im just speaking from a guys POV,Ive seen women who are abused after living with a guy and enabling his cowardly habits. The guys usually only ESCALATE their abuse, they start by ridicule and light physical abuse, they then escalate the occurences and the severity until you get really hurt.

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Green Witch
Reply Thu 13 Aug, 2009 06:10 pm
National Domestic Violence/Child Abuse/ Sexual Abuse: 800-799-SAFE /800-799-7233/800-787-3224 TDD
800-942-6908 Spanish Speaking
24-hour-a-day hotline, Provides crisis intervention and referrals to local services and shelters for victims of partner or spousal abuse. English and Spanish speaking advocates are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Staffed by trained volunteers who are ready to connect people with emergency help in their own communities, including emergency services and shelters. The staff can also provide information and referrals for a variety of non-emergency services, including counseling for adults and children, and assistance in reporting abuse. They have an extensive database of domestic violence treatment providers in all US states and territories. Many staff members speak languages besides English, and they have 24-hour access to translators for approximately 150 languages. For the hearing impaired, there is a TDD number. This is a great resource for anyone--man, woman or child--who is experiencing or has experienced domestic violence or abuse, or who suspects that someone they know is being abused.

Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-829-1122

Call today before it's too late for you and your daughter. Don't call when he is in the house. Get ready to leave quickly - they can have you out and in a safe place within a few hours.
Reply Thu 13 Aug, 2009 07:21 pm
@Green Witch,
Do a google search of "Cycle of Domestic Violence". You will find a pattern that directly matches what you are experiencing.

Symptoms of just one part of the cycle include the following : jealousy, pushing your friends away, pushing your family away, separating you by physical distance from family and friends, lowering your self esteem through any of the following :
-stating you could never find another man, no other man would want you
-stating he's the best thing that ever happened to you
-belittling you
-telling you you are a slut / worthless / can't do anything right (usually a very big one) / demanding that things be done for him (meals etc) / complaining you can't keep a house clean (when he doesn't do anything to help)...

Note : this sort of thing is only one part of the cycle - look it up.

Basically that part is all to make you believe that you are dependant on him, and to instill fear in you (both of what he would do to you, and what you would experience if you left him) to prevent you from leaving him.

You will find that you have been changing who you are so you won't experience his behaviour...and due to this, you will have fallen into the habit of making excuses for his behaviour (with the reasoning being, you didn't behave in the correct way to avoid his behaviour...which thinking is exactly what he wants)

Again...look the cycle up.
Reply Thu 13 Aug, 2009 07:25 pm
Thanks, vikorr... that's a help.
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Reply Thu 13 Aug, 2009 09:49 pm
stating he's the best thing that ever happened to you
I tell my wife that all the time and it indeed cause her pain from laughing so hard.

In any case it time to leave as everyone else here had already stated and do what you need to do even to taking support from you EX if that is what it take to get out.

Good luck
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Reply Fri 14 Aug, 2009 07:58 am
there is no amount of advice that will make you do what you know you need to do.
But first you have to, have to, have to... learn why you are enjoying and keeping this going because you can leave him, and find someone else who will do this to you too.

yes i used the word enjoy.

I know it does not feel good to be abused. I have been there
but there is a reward for being in that relationship. There is a blip of time in that relationship that makes you feel so good, you stay and wait for it again.

Someone mentioned self esteem. yes. that is one.

but what is the other? Only you know that
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Reply Fri 14 Aug, 2009 09:20 pm
What's with the ex being in your life?

While abusers don't need an excuse, if he thinks you are messing around with your ex, be prepared.
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