It was a dark and stormy night....

but the hens were clucking in the barn.....

and there was a sound not unlike a dog drinking out of the toilet, but in point of fact was blood spitting from the empty eye sockets of gustavratzenhofer, splashing playfully as it smacked onto the marble flooring; "no wonder I can't get any sleep with that cacophony" thought gustavratzenhofer......

The sheep were humming a mournful tune.

well, then, I might as well get up and start some coffee.

arising from his futon, he picked up a metal pail to go draw water from the cistern.

As he bent to his task, lightening suddenly illuminated a hulking shape not 20 feet from him.

....and Dorothy hastily packed her travel kit, tossing in a tin of Toto's favorite dogfood: "Here's our break, Toto. Good-bye, Kansas."

The house smelled of fresh capybara **** and lavender , A common combination , though this morning, for some reason it bothered him.

"Agnes!" he shook his head at the drowsy capybara and the mess next to the front door. "Couldn't wait to get out this morning, huh?" She looked at her master dolefully, then slowly lumbered over to the cast-iron stove in the corner, hoping for a bit of breakfast.

Coffee.

A morning ritual like many others.

Grab the pot, grab the grounds, add the filter, remove the radiation from the water.

Yes, a ritual, like many others and unlike them at the same time.

After coffee, something to eat!

"My shack is overrun by capybaras," mused Gus. "Let me start a small fire and see what they taste like."

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," spoke a voice fraught with menace.

Agnes?

Still no answer, as Gus was on holidays in Las Vegas, gambling his money away.

As he bent to his task, lightening suddenly illuminated a hulking shape not 20 feet from him.

"Mon Dieu" he muttered under his breath as he put on his Édith Piaf brand panties and longingly thought that the suddenly illuminated hulking shape not 20 feet from him reminded him of his long lost genitalia.

Gus then spun lightly on his high heels and faced the suddenly illuminated hulking shape not 20 feet from him. He blurted out in a wavering falsetto-like timbre: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of long lost genitalia, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me..."

Occam Bill stepped into the light and thrust out a hand for a good shake.
"Damn, Gus; what's wrong? You sick?"

"And quit talking about rods and staffs, you sound like a holy roller turned porn star."

and Gus appeared rising from the swamp saying "I am Lazarus returning from the dead" and an eerie calm covered the land like peanut butter oozing from under the microwave door. There was no jelly just as there was no moonshine. "**** this Gus" said "I was better of dead." Paula Abdul was singing on the radio.

Occom Bill leaned over and switched the radio to a program called "Cheesehead Central." This immediately jolted Gus out of his stupor and he screamed, "Packers football talk on my radio??!!! What do you think you are doing, Bill??!!!"

Occom Bill, thoroughly confused but strangely aroused by the combination of football, peanut butter and Edith Piaf panties, quickly turned off the radio and picked up the TV remote. "Ah! That's better!" Gus said, relieved to see Paula Abdul on the "American Idol" panel as usual. "It's a rerun," Bill reminded him. "We still don't know if she's coming back. Have you twittered today?"

Besides, " Bill said, " She is not as interesting as this " as he clicked the tv to his favorite satellite channel..