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Sun 5 Jul, 2009 09:21 pm
I apologize for the length of this in advance, but here is a bit of background....because psychologically, I know it may be relevent.
From 2001-2006 I was in a relationship that was emotionally and verbally abusive, where she (un)consciously whittled away at my self esteem, self worth, self confidence etc. She was horrible to me, but also, very good to me. Highs and lows were very extreme. I went from stressfree, happy-go-lucky, nothing-can-get-me-down, to a short tempered person, and ultimately, someone who could be overcome with panic and anxiety.
Like many misguided relationships, we became engaged in 2005, shortly following the purchase of our 1st house. I thought things would get better, since she had been ragging on me about the engagement for years.
Following the engagement, I missed 5 weeks of work when my doc deductively "diagnosed" me with an inner ear infection causing "vertigo", which, in hindsight was a long series of panic attacks, anxiety, and stress. It went away with time.
Early in 2006, my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer.
In late 2006 the relationship ended.
I battled anxiety, panic, mild depression, self esteem issues, etc on an off from then to now. My ability to deal with stress and stressful events collapsed. Nothing used to worry me, now, everything does.
I have come to realize, through counselling, that I have chronic irritability (not full blown ANGER, but irritability), and I am an more an Eeyore (seeing everything through a negative lens) than a Tigger.
Fast forward to now. I have found myself the perfect mate. Seriously. I can't believe that she even exists, and can believe even less that we found one another. She knows and understands me like no one could, and I her. She is a Tigger and she brough the Tigger back out in me when we first met.
I knew after a few dates that she was a truly amazing and truly unique individual, and we shared almost 2 glorious years together before I proposed to her 5 days ago.
Up to the engagement, we were on cruise control....travelling, being active, being in love. Most of all, being a normal couple. We openly discussed marriage and our desire to spend our lives and our love together. The degree and amount of love, respect and good will between us was mutual and non-stop. The only complaint I could have had of her is that she talked too much....but, considering my past, this was hardly a problem. I sleuthed around for ~8 months finding a ring design and stone I liked, and 6 days ago it arrived. I was chill and excited the entire time....even when I paid for the ring.
We were slated to go to San Francisco for a short trip, and a proposal. The day the ring arrived, I was with her at home and felt this intense anxiety....I felt uncomfortable and annoyed in her presence, yet 24 hours before I would have felt completely at home. Something wierd happened to me that day.
I went ahead with the proposal at home because we stayed home due to some complications in the travel plans....and because I was able to think rationally about the notion of cold feet and anxiety.
In the past 5 days, I still feel really wierd around her. I don't for one second doubt my love for her, I don't doubt how wonderful a pair we are, I don't question the road ahead of us. This isn't really about doubt.
I just find that my head has become messed up since the engagement. I sometimes get anxiety just being around her, I sometimes get annoyed at the very things that were neutral things for me, and sometimes annoyed at things that used to make me laugh, or feel love for her....The degree of annoyance it not proportionate to anything, in fact, it is pretty irrational for me to be annoyed by the vast majority of things that now seem to annoy me.
Any ideas what's going on? The annoyance isn't 100% of the time, and it seems to be diminishing, but not nearly as fast as I would hope. It's honestly very similar to how the thought of flying or public speaking would make me anxious. The thought of the event / person / activity brings about negative feelings, and negative anticipatory feelings, even though the event / person / activity isn't inherently negative.
Help?
Advice.
I sincerely appreciate it.
@candidone1,
A number of thoughts sprung to mind reading this :
- No relationship is worth your self esteem.
- You still have scars from your previous relationship. You had better come clean with your fiance about this pretty quickly...it's not going to be something you're going to be able to hide.
- You need help with this issue. There's many different treatments that I've read of, including counselling, hypnosis, Neuro Linguistic Programming. Basically though, you learnt either learnt to react in a certain way to a trigger (which may just be a concept in your mind, or an event, or a colour, a fear, or a smell...triggers can be anything really)...and you need to know what the trigger is, and reprogram your response to it (that's usually the hard part)
Also, you need to understand that we humans have many conflicting feelings about certain things. For example, you may know/feel that she's the exact right woman for you...but fear how this will affect you if/when married. You may love the woman, and yet fear what that love will do to you. You may enjoy her company, and yet find just one habit extremely irritating (etc). There are many, many other possible contradicting feelings we humans can possess.
@candidone1,
It may not be your fiancee- it may be the thought of marriage or commitment to anyone. That caused me quite a lot of anxiety - not that I didn't love the person and thought I might love/or want to be with someone else more - it was the whole idea of committing myself to one person and some sort of fixed situation for THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!
That's a big commitment!
I didn't think I was doing the wrong thing intellectually - but emotionally - let's put it this way - I cried when I had to say the words and when I got home from the honeymoon and realized - 'This is it - I made my decision and commitment and sweetheart - this is what it's gonna be FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE....I laid on the couch and listened to depressing Janis Ian songs after work everyday for about a week.
But then - because I'm basically a Tigger too - I snapped myself out of it - remembered I'd chosen a wonderful person to spend THE REST OF MY LIFE with- talked with him about it (he was kind of feeling the same way)- worked out a plan that would work for both of us-and got on with it.
I don't think you're abnormal at all - but I think you'll feel some relief if you're honest about how you feel with your fiancee. Who knows - she might be feeling the same way.
My fiancee is so wonderful.
I have told her evrything and she is smart, and incredibly strong woman. She knows that this isn't specifically about her. She is not hurt by what I am feeling....but I am being torn apart by it. I mean, completely crushed and feeling physically ill.
I know you are right that there are scars from my past relationships. I see a counsellor as frequently as I can, but the process is slow, and I am unsure what needs to come out--whether it's issues of trust, love, monogamy ( I was also cheated on by my ex), her annoying habits, or my perceived annoyance of these things.
Last night I sat upstairs typing my last message and I heard her singing and laughing....and I just wept knowing what I had with her, but wept also because of the negativity flooding my head.
I have written down all the negative thoughts on paper and "refuted" them with truthful statements. Then more negative thoughts creep in, and I do the same. It's honestly more like an automatic anxious response has been built up and will emerge independent of what actually happens--just being around her makes me feel anxious and tight in the stomach for no reason whatsoever.
Other times, no anxiety.
I am a teacher and school ended on June 30. Typically, teachers suffer "letdown" when holidays begin. To many friends and colleagues, this comes in the form of a cold or flu, or physical exhaustion.
2 summers ago I dealt mostly with panic and anxiety, but improved over the school year, last year I had a big crash of anxiety and moderate depression. This year, here I am, but with a different "target"
2 years ago, the panic and anxiety was targetted at a fear of becoming really ill.
Last year, the panic and anxiety was targetted at flying, public places, and being alone.
This year, it's at my new fiancee.
What has remained consistent is an underlying mild to moderate depressed state. Sometimes it's not eveident, other times it emerges with lethargy, difficulty completing daily tasks, and procrastination.
I know that this is a "me" issue, not her. This is evident in how the past 2 years played out. Something tripped with the engagement, whether it's expressing the fears and doubts that should have been let out with the first engagement with this one, whether it's my irritability being heightened due to a heightened emotional state, whether it's my negativity and raw fear inducing this new thought process.
I have so many fears, many of them irrational--#1 fear, losing someone I love. Others fears include, failing in the relationship, not delivering the love my partner needs, of not being able to handle life stresses, ruining my relationship due to my current state...etc.
@candidone1,
Have you spoken with your counselor about the need for depression/anxiety meds?
My depression and anxiety was caused by a verbally abusive relationship. It took about a year of taking meds to really understand the full impact but it has helped a lot!
Meds are not a viable option for me.
Tried 2 last year and had horriffic experiences on them both.
I know this can be done w/o meds. Counselling has been good, and dealing with some different mood therapies has been effective. I'm just realizing that this isn't an "in-and-out" emotional state and wanted to run the scenario by the members of a2k to see what they think....but again, meds and I....not going there.
@candidone1,
Thank you for your candid answer. I can certainly understand your position on that.
Maybe you need a different counselor to help 'push' you into a different avenue of therapy...? I know one counselor I had was afraid to really delve into some issues because she was an 'enabler' of someone who was verbally abusive toward me. (Did not recognize the true heart of my depression) Another, counselor helped to point out where I was enabling my soon to be ex and ignoring all the warning signs in my head. It took me several sessions with counselor #2 to realize she was right in pushing me into an area that I didn't want to acknowledge.
Oh my gosh...this sounds so familiar, but unfortunately I don't have any solutions or answers. Please tell me when you get one!
[email protected]
Here's how this "fall of me" went down:
Following last year's anxiety/panic/depression (APD), I emerged doing quite well. Unfortunately, I stopped doing what was working--counselling.
Following 6 events, I find myself back in tune with APD.
Event 1: Chronic complaining at work from some colleagues, combined with my own frustrations, had me questioning my career. This made me sad and a bit depressed....and a bit alienated.
Event 2: Nearly cutting my finger off while working on a machine. This may sound insignificant, but it was stressful and induced some of those depressed/anxious feelings--feelings that had become nearly foreign to me.
Event 3: My g/f's dog and I had a "falling out", and I ended up hurting him because I was angry at him (which put me into anger mgmnt. counselling, reading anger management books, etc). He got away from the yard, and, against better judgment, I tried to catch him. When I was near him, I made a very aggressive move to capture him and, being very frustrated and angry, angry, fumbled the catch and sort of drove him into the side of an opening in a gate he was running through. This made me realize my irritability was moving in the wrong direction.
Event 4: Having to speak in front of 600+ students and parents at our year end assembly. Public speaking (not classroom teaching) horrifies me. It makes me sick, and anxious x 1000. Very stressful for me.
Event 5: The build up to the trip to San Fran brought back some of my fears of travelling. I started feeling fear of flying, then anxiety, then a bit more depression.
Event 6: The engagement. Stressful, life changing, symbolic rite of passage where I seemed to be disconnected from the emotional happiness and pleasure that I had felt for 2 years, and became firmly grounded in the anticipatory stress of the event....which has continued almost a week later.
There is a lot of negative self talk in my head regarding my fiancee, but upon thoughtful introspection, are all patently false. My anxiety, is almost anxiety for anxiety's sake.
My irritation is the same. My negativity, ditto.
The annoying things she does aren't "terminate relationship" annoying, in fact, they aren't even really that annoying. I am just picking everything to get annoyed over--and for some reason she is my main target and it is absolutely killing me.
Is it possible, fellow a2k'ers, that I am projecting the self loathing I feel onto her, casting that which I don't like about myself onto her?
Am I possibly trying to sabatoge the relationship out of my immense fear of losing someone I love?
Am I twisting virtues into vices?
Thanks....
@candidone1,
I'm following this and am sympathetic, candidone.
I do think it is normal to have waves of distaste for what is going on around you from time to time. Indeed, people that are always jolly and nice fill me with distrust, as rather controlling.
I may have more friends that freak at heights or airplane travel or crossing bridges than not. I personally freak at cliffs. So, my first take is that you are making some normal trapped type reactions into a whole thing about your own "inadequacy", like you've been primed for feeling inadequate, perhaps by fiancee numero uno -- but you were probably suggestible with all that never worry about anything stuff.
I'm not all that wise about psychological ins and outs, but I do know that when I had adrenalin tharn when driving on a very narrow cliff road with no railbars when visiting a client (luckily only a consultant question), I started to look into what people do. Well, it seems they breathe deep, slowly.
You might be building all this up into a dramatic balloon of impossibility.
I don't want to be trite and suggest yoga, other exercise, meditation, but you might consider looking into all that.
@ossobuco,
I want to add a few more sentences.
I'm questioning some kind of diagnosis of irritability. Eh? Some of us know this as a portion of our days while being premenstrual. I remember all that, and I was damned right on many of those acute observations - maybe that was a time when the patina was off the rose and I was being astute.
The dog story, I'm not sure I get it, that you were so horrible. Maybe I have to reread that.
Spending a life together doesn't mean that you'll never be irritable. Or that she won't. Has she been nicey all this time? Real people get crabby. Marriage is not a lifetime of years of gloss.
Depression can cause irritablity and feelings of being overwhelmed and panic attacks . But you sound like a person that would benefit from rational therapy. Emotions Anonymous also has a 6 step program that may help you, too.
I'd hate to see you lose your love of your life because you talked yourself out of this relationship (sabotaged it, really). Please consider how you will feel if you lose her!
@ossobuco,
I'm still wondering if candidone and fiancee think no one ever gets irritable.
A lot of this is in the realm of normality or would be, if it wasn't boxed up.
@ossobuco,
I think it's perfectly understandable that people get irritable. I just found that I became irritable at everything she said, everything she did. Literally, everything...following our engagement.
Before our engagement, I found some things irritating, but these feelings are mine, not specifically caused by her or someone else.
I do believe that there is an underlying cause, because I love her, I am very excited to be with her, and I look forward to being engaged and married to her.
I just know that I have a lot of fears, and a lot of hurt that is, as you say, boxed up.
I have very low self esteem, which I need to rebuild. I have a lot of self doubt, which needs to be worked on. I have a lot of hurt, which needs to be let out. I have anger pent up, that needs to be released.
What tears me a part is how this is all manifesting as an "attack" on her...that she has become the target of all the bad stuff I feel inside, and about myself. She has done nothing wrong, yet that is all I make out to be happening--"she this, and she that". It brings about one of the most devestating emotions. guilt.
@sullyfish6,
This is becoming soemthing I am aware of....I don't want to sabotage this relationship. Losing her would be the biggest loss.
Emotions anonymous is a bit to religious in its orientation, but I will try it out and see what comes of it.
@ossobuco,
She has been extremely nice all the time. Very understanding. Completely compassionate.
The frustration comes from me feeling irritable all the time. It comes from me feeling irritable toward her all the time. She doesnt' deserve it.
Seems I can hold back the level or degree of frustration with other triggers, but I become overwhelemed when it's with her, because, like I have said, I have occasionally pumped up her mere presence to cause me anxiety and irritability.
It's just so unfair, and so....unreasonable.
It all happened the day of the engagement....and I have soured the emotions she should be feeling at this time of happiness. She's afraid to tell people at work because I have been a mope all week. She doens't have that natural elation she should be feeling due to an event like this taking place.
I just have a negative self talk routine that is so toxic....it's ruining my ability to enjoy this relationship, my hobbies, my friends, my family....all because of negative self talk.
I've got tools to overcome the negative salf talk, but it's like I'm determined to be negative.
I hate feeling like this, thinking like this.....
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