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Sun 7 Jun, 2009 03:39 pm
I just need some advice. My best friend lost her husband about three years ago. About one year ago we became intimate. We talked about it A LOT and she was very certain she wanted to try this relationship (first woman relationship for both of us, both had prior 'interest' but only dated men). The first few months of the relationship were great. Then the anniversary of his death came and things have been hard since. She has said so many times how she will never have that kind of support again, how she will never have that kind of love, how things will never be good again. I crumbled into a silent void of despair. I never told her how I felt because I am so protective of her feelings and so willing to grant her her pain (I go to the cemetery, have never asked for pictures to be taken down, listen to the stories, etc). But, the pain from hearing these things so frequently has become extremely hard to deal with. My self esteem has suffered, my work has suffered. Most nights when we are not together, I cry. I love this person with everything I have. I have been in love with this person for as long as I can remember. I don't know what to do anymore. I know she would give anything she had, including me, to have him back. She has said that to me directly (excluding the part 'including me' - though how can that not be implied). I don't know what to do with that information. What do you do with that information?!
I recognize that time and space can work wonders. I just feel like I am who I am, a good person, someone who could and would give her everything. But nothing seems to be enough - not time, not space, not what I offer, and not me. She constantly puts up walls now (pulls away emotionally and physically), and then feels bad about doing so and comes back and the cycle starts again. How do you stay close to someone who you feel you aren't enough for (at the moment?) for no reason other then you aren't a person who can never come back? How can I make this better? I know she loves me, but she loves him more and she is still more sad that he is gone then she is happy that I love her. Here. Now.
@gg1983,
Has she participated in any type of grief counselling?
@ehBeth,
Yes. For many many months. She tells me frequently that she is working on all of this in therapy, but the words and feelings don't seem to change. They will for a day and then the next she again falls into despair. I know some of this is situational as we both have busy professional lives. My real concern is that she doesn't believe she can ever be happy again. No matter how hard I try, nothing works in terms of helping her believe her future can be good. I'm just not enough.
@gg1983,
I went through extreme grief when my fiancee passed away. It takes a long time! No one can hep her unless she helps herself first. It took some time but I became stronger than ever and joy returned to my life. Hang in there with her. She needs a friend more than anything right now.
@gg1983,
gg1983 wrote:
Yes. For many many months. She tells me frequently that she is working on all of this in therapy, but the words and feelings don't seem to change.
<snip>
No matter how hard I try, nothing works in terms of helping her believe her future can be good. I'm just not enough.
Two things:
1) months is a very short time line in terms of handling grief, with or without counselling. Nick's point about the amount of time it can take is really important;
2) you can be there as a good supportive friend, but this is something she has to work through on her own. It sounds a bit horrid, but you can't really help. Nobody else is enough, that is the reality.
She is still grieving right now. You really can't expect anything from her, much less a commitment.
Yes, this is going to one-sided (your side) and don't be surprised if you are really considered a "transition" love.
I hate to be harsh, but your love is a diversion for her right now. Please don't set yourself up for a big disappointment.
@gg1983,
Another take on this is that the relationship is not working out from her point of view. You dated for a few months and everything was great, but now you're not getting the same vibe from her and the excitement of this relationship is not comparing favorably with her memories of the last one. It's hard enough for a teen to tell someone they've been dating for six months that it's not working, so I can't imagine how hard it would be to tell a long time friend. Perhaps she's pushing you away to avoid the hard conversation.
@gg1983,
For any such type of situation my suggestion is that ,physical and mental fitness ids required and by involving some other activities we can change our mind set and by reading personality books we can become more mature , If what I am saying is not wrong
@gg1983,
Generally, in healthy relationships, the idea of "whether" to move forward isn't an issue. Given that you both talked about dating one another "A LOT" before doing so sounds to me as though you knew that getting physically intimately involved might not be the best course of action, but you chose to go forward anyway. Your actions ran counter to your intuition with the hope that the risk would pay off, but it hasn't, and it likely isn't going to, at least not any time soon. You indicate that you feel that you aren't enough for "no reason other than you aren't a person who can't come back." I would counter that your relationship isn't being hindered because of your friend's mourning, but that you were only able to move to this place of intimacy because of your friend's grief state. In short, widows are vulnerable and loneliness often drives them into unsuitable relationships. On some level, your friend realizes that this relationship is not appropriate for her, at least not at this time. If you truly love her and you believe that she loves you, pull back and allow your friend the time to mourn and recover without her having to worry about hurting your feelings in the process. The emotional and physical energy she is putting into developing an intimate relationship with you is diverting her from the real job of healing and putting closure on the past, which is where she she should be putting her attention right now.
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