crush

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I'm 16 and I'm in 12th grade currently. i met a guy when i was in 9th grade..when he was in 11th..we didn't talk much but i started liking him. He was a sort of all-rounder,and he's really polite and kind and amazing. Everyone likes him.Even the teachers,he's the best at sports and academics.i really liked him,i would talk to him occasionally but not much and then i gradually got rid of those feelings. when i went to 10th grade..he had become the head boy of our school..and me and my friends used playing chalk fight with the boys of our class..and he complained to our class teacher(who was really sweet..she was like a mother to us# and she got really sad that we were playing and running behind boys..#but actually those boys were like our good friends..nothing bad or vulgar in it)and then we got angry and we started ignoring him and insulting him in public and stuff..but he never said a thing. i don't get his psychology..i mean we were insulting him(well not that much) but he only smiled and went away without shouting back or saying anything bad!! those times my feelings for him were that just of hate..i hated him 2 the core of my heart..i couldn't even think about liking him...i could only see the bad points in him as i was angry! after 10th got over..one of my friends made me realize that he wasn't as bad as i was imagining him to be..and actually he had not even complained..it was another girl in my class who had told him to complain! well that time i felt kind of stupid and i sent him a text message saying I'm sorry and stuff..he said it's ok and he never minded it! by then he had finished his 12th and gone to India to study...he would visit our school in the holidays and all..and then i was confused..as now i would think about how good he is. but whenever i would see him i would just walk in another direction without noticing him..i get nervous when i see him..so i thought its best not to talk to him. i don't know what he thinks of me..probably he thinks I'm just a crazy girl who hated him. And now I'm in 12th grade..he isn't here..will probably come next month..but i still have feelings for him..i dream about him..i cant seem to get rid of him even though he is not here..not around! but i just keep thinking about him. i don't know what to do. i try so hard to forget him,but i just cant..what do i do??? i really want to forget him..its like I'm obsessed with him..please help me!!Is this love???as i think crushes don't last for more than a month or two..but i couldn't forget him...for the past entire year I've been trying to forget him!! Please HELP me..what do i do???

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@pinkevil666,

Well, he's not around so you are, what's the opposite of demonizing? You're mentally making him out to be better than he is, simply because he's out of sight. There's a whole kettle of unknown stuff about him, and you get to fill it in with lovely fantasies. That he takes in stray puppies. That he gets the best grades. That he kisses better than anyone. That he helps little old ladies across the street. Etc. etc. etc.

And there's nothing wrong with fantasies and crushes, long as you recognize that that's what's happening. It's perfectly fine and normal. Reality, however, is probably far different. His grades may not be perfect. He may text while driving. He might not call his mother as often as he should. He might be a lousy lover. Who knows? Neither you nor I do, that's for sure.

When he returns, find out some of these things for yourself (I'm not suggesting that you sleep with him). That is, get to know him as a person. Yeah, you're shy and giggly around him. Welcome to what being a teenaged girl is all about. But ask -- do you want to go to the movies? It does not have to be a date. Just get to know him. He may be fun. He may be a jerk. He may be somewhere in between.

But you'll never know unless and until you replace the fantasy with the reality.

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@jespah,

jespah wrote:

Well, he's not around so you are, what's the opposite of demonizing?

Idealizing.

I agree with Jes' advice... of course, he might not be interested, and you might not have the chance to get to know him better. Do you have a lot of friends now, pinkevil666? Stuff to keep your brain occupied? Not just school work but hanging out, dealing with people who may have crushes on YOU, that sort of thing?

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@jespah,

I'm not over exagerting...not making him better than he is. he is that way..really kind... i mean even the teachers used to praise him. he was like the star of the school!
i do want to shake of the feelings for him but i just can't . i keep myself busy..i got out,shopping with friends and i have a lot of school work to do as im in 12th! and its not like i want to fantasize about him. i just cant control it. and i dont even know whom to talk about this to. how do i forget him? i dont understand. if i go ahead and try to know him and all that then it'll just get worse...thats why im trying to keep a distance. but these feelings wont go away!!!!

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@sozobe,

I don't know people who have had a crush on me. No one approached me with stuff like that.... i have loads of friends..im not a lonely!and my family is great..besides all that i do have a lot of school work..! im not an emotional fool..im jus an average ordinary teenager..trying to get rid of a guy who i thought i loved!!!

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@pinkevil666,

I had a huge crush on a guy in high school. I thought he was the epitome of the bees knees so I can understand some of where you are coming from.

Something to keep in mind, boys who are confident in themselves will be less likely to fall for a girl just because she likes him. You want a guy who loves YOU for who you are. If you have communicated your 'like' of him and he doesn't reciprocate, it means he has other priorities and he is not the right guy.

Spend more time with friends, find a hobby which you really enjoy and dive head first into it. Make something else your 'love' and obsession.

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@pinkevil666,

This is a bit of a reach, but an idea I had based on my own experiences -- I think crushes can be a little bit protective for teenage girls. (Mine was on the college guy who came in to teach advanced philosophy... it was a nice, engrossing crush until it looked like he might reciprocate! Then I got spooked. I was about 16 at the time too I think.)

Anyway, I think it can be a way to direct all that energy without the entanglements of a real relationship. You're 16, you have time, so I'm not sure you really need to DO that much about this as long as you have an active social life, you're not bothering him, and the obsession isn't causing any problems for you.

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@sozobe,

Agreed. It's not like that's all you're doing is obsessing (we do see people who are doing just that here). You have a life, you have friends and you have interests. These are all fantastic and important things at any age.

PS Thanks for idealizing. My brain is spazzing more and more these days; I blame incipent menopause.

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pevil

I think you're very bright and well grounded...I mean compared to me at your age...I was in a British public school and suffered from terrific crushes on older grrls who felt sorry for me but treated me like a kid brother.
You seem to be able to deal with the whole moon and june thing pretty well.
Carry on!

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thanks alot 2 all of u...it really helps 2 share ur thoughts with people... i feel alot better! ur views mean alot 2 me... i hope m successful in finally getting through with these feelings! thanks again...

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@pinkevil666,

Stick around. We love sensible people.

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Perfectly normal.

If you can examine the things you like about this guy, you can get a good idea what you should look for in other guys you might want to date as you get older. Plenty of fish in the sea for a young lass.

Cycloptichorn

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@pinkevil666,

take a deep breath, and enjoy being young. you have all the time in ur life to deal with all this lovey dovey stuff later on. Live like ur 16, study hard and have fun and just chuck all this out of ur mind cos its not worth thinking bout!

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