long distant relationship issue

Reply Thu 14 May, 2009 08:31 am
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months. It's a long distant relationship, we're both 25 and we've been visiting each other and have been having lots of fun. We're still getting to know each other and at the beginning there was a total spark between us...whatever we did we saw signs that indicated how we could be the one for each other (I sound like a total teenager) but for the first time in my life, I've experienced something magical. It was truly amazing and we couldn't wait to see each other more. But when we visited each other a few more times, I think because our expectations were high, things weren't as 'special' as it was on our first two dates. That didn't matter to us but it was only on my last visit seeing him, I did something awful which may have 'killed that spark we had'...to me I feel like it has, but I don't know about him.

Couple of weeks ago when I visited him, he was so happy being with me, he told me he wanted to introduce me to his parents and he said that I would be the first girl he would do that. He had lots of girlfriends in the past and half of them had lied to him or just played about with him. He did something really nice for me, he got me a new guitar I was dreaming of having, he went all the way to another continent to get this for me and he spent a lot of money on it. I was so greatful and that day he wanted to cook for me as well at his house. When he forgot an ingredient, he said he was going to pop down to the shops and asked if I wanted to go with him, I said I'll wait whilst playing the guitar...If only I went with him. When he left for few minutes, he left his phone behind, and the whole time I've told him how I trusted him. But at that moment I felt so curious, I had the urge to have a quick peek and see if he's been good whilst we've been together so far. But I felt like I broke the rules and I felt so utterly bad at what I did. When he came back, he noticed I changed, and asked if I was OK. It didn't take me long to admit what I did wrong. He didn't get angry about me looking at his phone, he said he would've preferred me to ask him instead, but he was annoyed at the way I told him I trusted him, when this showed that I didn't. I was angry with myself and I walked out. I wish I never did, but I just did it. That night I called him and I told him I regretted walking out but I wanted him to come after me, he told me he thought I wanted to be on my own, so we straightened things out that night and everything turned back to normal.

It was then I wanted to introduce him to my sister and I told him my sister was living with a girl (really she lives with a male) but I didn't want him to get the wrong impression of my sister about this. How I was wrong, when we were going to go out for dinner, my sister told me her roommate wasn't going to be in when went to the flat, but when we went over there, my sister's roommate had opened the door for us! It was an embarrassing moment but I tried to make him forget about it all and just have fun with him and that night we had fun together, he was still happy. Only thing I knew was I lied twice...they maybe white lies but it made him feel bad about it. I felt worse.

Few days later, we talked about it and begun to get over what happened with the telephone issue. But we hadn't talked about my sister's roommate. It was only when I went back home, he opened up the subject. We didn't argue. In fact we've never argued, but we've tried to discuss the matter and it was beginning to upset us both remembering what happened and it was beginning to make me feel sad. We tried to get things back to normal and he was beginning to be happy once again so this made me happy and things were turning out good. Our last day together was special so that kept things alive.

It was only later on this guilt started to bug me because I felt insecure, pathetic and I felt so clingy after what had happened. I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend he's ever had, someone fun, faithful, positive, and laid back. But now I was wondering if he still wanted to introduce me to his parents after these two issues had happened. I'm getting to be that positive person again, not for him but for myself also. But with this sense of guilt, maybe I should've let go but I wanted to tell him how I was feeling about everything so we could sort this out. It's not like I cheated on him, in fact he told me he knows I wouldn't do that to him, but he told me I kept opening up the subject and that I was overreacting a little, and that he doesn't see our relationship as a problem, we never argued or had a fight about anything. Only thing that matters is understanding one another and not abusing that. I'm really hoping everything will turn back to normal soon and we can be happy again. It's not been long since that day we had the discussion but I wonder if he'll ever get over it, sometimes he sounds like he's a little down about things and he wasn't like this before. He tells me he still really loves me and his feelings hadn't changed. In fact he tells me he still trusts me and when I checked his phone like that, he kinda liked the way I got jealous of him...But it still made me look so damn insecure! I've decided I'm going to let go of this and move on and just concentrate on the good stuff about us...Yet sometimes he still mentions about our first two dates which were almost perfect. I want us to have that again.

Do you think there's a chance that the past may end up forgotten? Even when it's long distant relationship?

Please let me know if I'm overreacting. Perhaps this is a hefty guilt I'm feeling at the moment but I want us to be able to get over it. If we could see each other more often, I'd at least make us forget about it all and just have fun with him. But by us not being together that often, it makes us remember what had last happened between us, which causes the problem. I really need help!
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Reply Thu 14 May, 2009 08:46 am
Yes, I think you are over reacting and you are also a tad immature.
If you want to have an honest relationship then be honest to him and yourself and stop playing games.

I realize that at the beginning of a relationship one cannot fully trust the other
person yet, but being nosy and looking through his things and checking out
his phone is a definite no no. This is something you shouldn't do regardless of
the relationship, or do you snoop around at a friend's house too?

He seems like a decent guy who aims to please, you should embrace that and
act accordingly.
Reply Thu 14 May, 2009 11:00 pm
Yes, I have to admit, it was very immature of me, and you can only realise you're being one when you have something that means a lot to you. I shouldn't blame him for my past but I've been messed about a lot by other people and it's hard for me to trust others, and we discussed about this as well and he partially understood why I did this. But then again, looking at his phone like that would make him lose trust for me, that's why I told him the truth in the end...Maybe I should've kept quiet but he felt my vibe when I was feeling bad about what I did. But this isn't something I would do at my friend's house, you have a valid point CalamityJane.

I'm not attempted to do that again and I only hope he forgives me in the future. I'm willing to win his trust back, so I guess I want to say that if there are any of you girls who are immature like myself, please don't do anything like this to your boyfriends when they're being good to you! Now I only wish I could turn back the time, but hopefully we'll get over this if he's willing to make this work as much as I do.
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Reply Fri 15 May, 2009 08:12 am
Do yourself a big favor and, if it's at all possible, stop being so dramatic. You snooped, confessed and then walked out with hopes that he would follow you? That's a drama-queen move if there ever was one. You're 25. Time to grow up.
We've all done some goofy things in our relationships. Good luck.
Reply Fri 15 May, 2009 08:19 am
Thank you for your honesty - yes that was pretty dumb of me to do.
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