How can I fix my marriage????

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Okay, so here we go. I am 16 years older then my wife. One day she was walking by me and I saw her and fell in LOVE. about 1 year later we were married.

From the beginning, I always gave her her freedom, she was 19 I was 36. We spent all of our time together as friends. She left her boyfriend that was sexually abusive and didn't do anything for her. I spent my time making her realize she is a strong person and has the ability grow.

I got lazy in our marriage but I was also over 300 lbs. I have had surgery and I am down over 100 lbs and I am trying to make up for lost time. But she left me. She told me on Friday night she was going to sign her new lease on Saturday morning. After that she stayed with me for a few weeks because she said it would be easier for me. During that time she made love to me (she was molested while she was younger and making love was not in her character, especially how we made love that night).

Now she is as cold as can be telling me that she just doesn't want to be in a relationship. She is out with her friend until 4:30 am at her friends boyfriends house and she says that she fell asleep on his couch.

I am very much in love with my wife and I take my vows very seriously. She wants a divorce and I feel like killing myself, I am that sad and broken over this. I waited until I was 36 to get married, she knew I dont believe in divorce and neither did she, that is until now.

In my own way I know it's over, I just cant deal with that. Any advice? Because I told her from day one that instead of divorce one of us will leave in a pine box (till death do us part). I meant it in my heart and soul. I love her too much to have her leave that way and I am able to shut myself down and complete the job whereas she couldn't. So any advice would be helpful. I am sitting here with yet another rum and coke and drunk, crying (just a little because I know what I need to do).

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I see the biggest problem as your age difference, and the simple fact that you got involved with her when she was still very young without much time to grow. I doubt very much there's much you can do to change that now.

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I agree with cicerone: you married a 19 year old girl who hasn't had time to
grow up and do all the things teenagers and young adults do - going out, having
fun, dating, traveling and so on. Instead she married a 16 year older guy who
by his own admittance got lazy and obese.

I don't see much hope for this marriage either, and I strongly suggest you
put these "pine in the box" thoughts out of your head. You are very selfish
to think that way! You knew what you were getting into when marrying a teenager, don't fault her for not sticking it out.

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@CalamityJane,

I agree with posters so far, but will add ahat at 36, you have a lot of time in front of you to learn and grow. Stop all the pine box ****, are you a drama queen?

Really, you plucked a youth. Do not blame her, but look into how you can grow up yourself.

I have some sympathy for this, I fell in love with a younger man. But... I'm not whining about it.

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@ossobuco,

Quote:

I have some sympathy for this, I fell in love with a younger man. But... I'm not whining about it

Yes. Me too, osso. (20 years, it lasted. Crikey.)
I still whine & then, I'm afraid .... but it's a fast fading away thing now. Wink

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@ossobuco,

ossobuco wrote:

Stop all the pine box ****, are you a drama queen?

A woman after my own heart.

Im sorry , but you ( poster) sound like you are a bit needy and overly dramatic about things.
At 19 , a little girl can handle that. She can even dish it out. She will live in, create and feed her own overly dramatic behavior. You two matched then.

She has grown out of that and does not match you anymore. Dont be a leach on her ass by telling her " I wont leave you until I die!! To death to we part"" and all that other stuff. You are an adult. You are strong, intelligent and you have self respect yes? Then why throw yourself around hoping she will come back and trying to manipulate her by saying things like that? Telling someone that " one of us will leave only in a pine box" is scary, manupilative, overly dramatic, disrespectful and just.. stupid.
That sounds like something a teenage BOY would say.

be a man. Be mature. Help her along her way.If she loves you and you two work well together, she will be back... but this extreme 'star crossed lovers' stuff is for the birds.

Now how do you fix things?
I think you may not remember the extreme changes you went though in your early twenties . Laughing

hell, I dont think anyone does.
But I would suggest REALLY giving her some space. REALLY letting her learn and backing away.
If you choose to smother her right now you are -giving her ammo to leave you- on , and she will use it.

I do wish you the best of luck, but please don't be so needy and overly dramatic. That is "woman repellent" in the worse way and will smash any hope you have of getting this relationship on track.

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@ossobuco,

ossobuco wrote:

I have some sympathy for this, I fell in love with a younger man. But... I'm not whining about it.

Kicky? Slappy? Gus? Oh, wait - he's much older.

1 Reply

@Mame,

Msolga and I probably have similar stories, but we're strong, well, now. (waves).
I think we talked early on. I've twenty years into it as well, to not work out.

Stop with the big papa persona.

Move along.

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@bigpapabill,

You guys are great . . . .I sent this to the wife so she could get a kick out of also . . . . I will move on. . . . Enjoy!!!!!!!!

1 Reply

@bigpapabill,

Glad to hear that, Bill, and we're not all one way or another on points of view.

But moving along is good, mostly. As in, breathe in, breathe out... while considering stuff when you can stand to look, with a counseler or by yourself.
Pace that, as your take can change.

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Having "another rum and coke"?

H-m-m - could that be part of the problem?

1 Reply

@sullyfish6,

Actually, no it isn't part of the problem, She has been molested by so many people that she doesn't know who she is anymore. She is lost in her own world doing things she never would have done before and is losing our marriage in theprocess

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@bigpapabill,

What you say may be true, re the marriage.

You two will probably need to talk with more folks than us. As a reading from a stranger, I figure your wife needs good help, probably from other than you. And you need big help, to get a sense of all this from afar.

Me, I don't think of marriage as material to all this -
but that's my personal take.

I see your problems, together and separate, and don't want to push you to stay married.

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@bigpapabill,

Quote:

Actually, no it isn't part of the problem, She has been molested by so many people that she doesn't know who she is anymore. She is lost in her own world doing things she never would have done before and is losing our marriage in theprocess

You can't do anything about her, and the choices she makes for herself. You can however investigate why you are drawn to an abuse victim. If you don't get a handle on you there is a very high likelihood that you will continue to get into relationships with women who are incapable of loving. This woman has not "been molested by so many people that she doesn't know who she is anymore" by way of very bad luck, on some level this is what she wants for herself. And you choose her. WHY?

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How can I fix my marriage????

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