ON THE BRINK OF AN AFFAIR

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I have been married for 5.5 years and have two small children. My huband works 3-11pm and I work day shift so I only see him two days a week. He has not touched me in over a month. I have been lonley for a long time and have more than once brought this to his attention. I have a crush on a co-worker who is a single father. We spend alot of time together. our kids like to play together or maybe we just use that as an excuse. I do not want this to happen, What am I supposed to do? I spend 40 hours a week with this guy and 10 with my husband. I have asked my husband to find a different job but he just does not understand. Any adivice?

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@peanut84,

Do you suspect that your husband might be having an affair? Or are other things between you the same as always, besides the fact that he has not touched you in a month, are there other problems? Also have you and your co-worker also spoken openly about your feelings, or is this crush one sided?
I know that you have spoken to your husband about his work schedule, but maybe if you make it more clear how this is not working for you and you feel neglected and that you are maybe growing apart? Or whatever it is that is happening as a result of the mere 2 days a week you have to spend with him.

Anyway though im very sorry you are going through this, i have never been in this situation but i am sure that it is a difficult one, i hope you get through it ok.

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please, please, don't do it. you have no idea of the troubles you are about to have dropped on your head. if you carry out your plans to do this, one day you will look back on today and wished you had not walked down that path.

i have never had an affair or cheated on either wife i have been married to, but i have had to nurture both male and female friends because of the problems they had after having affairs. once you cross that rubicon your life is never the same psychologically.

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@carriegirl1,

Yes my co-worker and I have talked about this alot. The worst part is that is divorce from his wife was caused by her cheating. He understands where I am coming from, that I don't want to do this. Today we talked about not talking for a while in or out of work to help us to prevent anything. I really want my husband to see what is happening.

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@peanut84,

It seems to me that the lack of sexual contact is often a mask for deeper problems, an expression of them. Other than the flipped schedule, do you have problematic issues that you are aware of?

I think it's good that you are examining the situation critically rather than just acting out of frustration, as happens so often; it's difficult to take a step back and get perspective on your own imminent actions. I would suggest further reflection and study before making any sort of decision.

Cycloptichorn

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Get a sitter and go away with your husband for a weekend ASAP.

It is vital that you get to the source of this problems, especially the sex issue. Is he tired? Depressed? Overwhelmed with kids and work? Feeling your distraction?

If you really want this marriage to last, then you need to WORK at it. Make time for your husband before you get involved with anyone else. If things were OK at home, you would not even be considering this "temptation".

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@peanut84,

Try just to be friends with this guy. As for your needs, you should probably invest in an "adult toy".

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People seem to think that once you get married you stop being human (ie. you stop having a need to be touched, to be loved, to be communicated with, to have sex, to have human attention etc...as well as you stop being attracted to the opposite sex - which may happen when you are in love <as opposed to just loving somebody>, but unlikely otherwise).

People also think that once they get married they don't need to try anymore, they d0n't need to be creative anymore, that things 'just are'...despite the fact that we humans (in general) have a need for variety, stimulation, and and richness of life (all of which usually requires effort).

Ie...marriage doesn't change who we are, nor our individual / relationship needs (ie what we need to be happy individually/relationship wise).

When one party doesn't understand that the other party is miserable...that unhappy person needs to help their partner see it. With women, they are often not blunt enough for men, not wanting to 'hurt them'...this isn't generally how men work (though women don't seem to understand that) - we prefer directness (tactful directness of course)...I would suggest gradually upping the directness of what you want to say.

...oh, and by the way, don't start with 'Darling, we need to talk'. Start with 'Darling, I've been miserable for the last <however long...and make sure you get the start of it, even if it's a year or more>, and I'd like to let you know what's been going on with me, and how I've come to be this way'

When talking about each individual thing you would like him to do, make sure you don't blame him. Just say things like "We haven't touched in over a month. Touch for me tells me that I am loved and wanted. When we don't touch I begin to doubt my worth, and wonder if I am loved by you" (all that's just made up by the way - the important part being, you are taking responsibility for your own feelings).

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I don't accept the unsupported premise that your husband is unresponsive to your needs. Usually in the situation as described a decision was taken by the couple to work alt schedules in order the make child care work. Normally what looks like a smart move to the rational mind turns out to have irrational consequences that were not anticipated, and then the blame game starts.

I find it very troubling that you blame your husband for not finding a job to match your work schedule, you are just as much to blame for not finding a job that matches his. I also am troubled by the tone of the OP, which has it that you are being swept along by forces outside of your control, presumably so that you don't have to take responsibility for your actions. You are not a victim so far as I can tell, acting like one is unbecoming.

You and hubby need to get onto the same page that much is clear. Your emotional affair with your coworker may or may not effect your marriage, and if so it could be either a positive or a negative. Should you chose to make take the affair to the next level by making it sexual your situation does not change except for the likelihood of a bad reaction from your husband should he find out.

What should you do? Decide what you want, go after it with full knowledge of the potential consequences, and don't try to pass yourself off as a victim......standard everyday rules of life.

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@hawkeye10,

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I don't accept the unsupported premise that your husband is unresponsive to your needs.

Um, Hawkeye, do you think your response might have something to do with your life rather than Peanuts?

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Usually in the situation as described a decision was taken by the couple to work alt schedules in order the make child care work. Normally what looks like a smart move to the rational mind turns out to have irrational consequences that were not anticipated, and then the blame game starts.

Haven’t seen her lay blame.

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I find it very troubling that you blame your husband for not finding a job to match your work schedule, you are just as much to blame for not finding a job that matches his.

That’s the second time you’ve mentioned blame where she hasn’t apparently laid any...maybe you really are basing this on your life, rather than hers.

Btw, it’s much easier by large degrees to find a 9-5 job than a 3-11.

Quote:

I also am troubled by the tone of the OP, which has it that you are being swept along by forces outside of your control, presumably so that you don't have to take responsibility for your actions. You are not a victim so far as I can tell, acting like one is unbecoming.

Keh, mate, she’s not talking about her actions or her husbands actions, but rather - the lack of actions on her husbands part. That she has probably contributed to this outcome by no means invalidates her concerns and needs.

What she had to say :

Quote:

He has not touched me in over a month. I have been lonley for a long time and have more than once brought this to his attention.

I have asked my husband to find a different job but he just does not understand.

I really want my husband to see what is happening.

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@vikorr,

Quote:

Um, Hawkeye, do you think your response might have something to do with your life rather than Peanuts

No, my advise is sound. The fact that you are dismissive of my point of view speaks to where you are, not me.

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I think that anytime we answer a post like this, we do some "projecting" i.e. answer based somewhat on our own experience or knowledge. I enjoy and learn from other viewpoints. Please, let's all feel free to express them without negative comments from others.

In any case, in any relationship BOTH parties must accept responsibllility for their own part in the deterioration of the relationship. We are seeing just one side.

I, too, thought that she will have to make some changes, but she is very distracted right now by the "greener grass." I don't think she is very motivated to work on her own marriage right now.

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@hawkeye10,

Quote:

No, my advise is sound. The fact that you are dismissive of my point of view speaks to where you are, not me.

Two things :

1. The underlined part shows that you are talking about your life, rather than peanuts.

2. I wasn't making reference to your advice which is fine, but rather, to your many judgements...and where/how those judgements originated.

Quote:

I don't accept the unsupported premise that your husband is unresponsive to your needs.

It's not up to you to accept or not whether or not her husband is unresponsive to her needs - you can't know, and I can't know...so your not accepting seems based on your life, rather than hers.

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... and then the blame game starts.

I find it very troubling that you blame your husband for not finding a job to match your work schedule...

See, the problem is, she hasn't blamed anyone for anything (certainly I didn't interpret anything in her post that way). Saying "I've talked to my husband, but he doesn't understand", is not blame. Saying something like 'it's his fault I'm lonely' is blame. Interpreting her words as blame has to come from somewhere...and it doesn't come from your future.

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You are not a victim so far as I can tell, acting like one is unbecoming.

She is hardly seeking validation, and is obviously seeking advice/help, which is rarely what a victim does (victims don't want to acknowledge anything that destroys their image of them being a victim)...so where do you get this judgement?

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@vikorr,

By the way, the fact I didn't originally comment on your advice, yet you came to the conclusion that I was dismissive of such (your advice), should also tell you something (about how you are interpreting things in this post).

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@vikorr,

Quote:

I wasn't making reference to your advice which is fine, but rather, to your many judgements...and where/how those judgements originated.

Our life experience shapes our judgments, it could not be any other way. The weakness of your argument though it that my life experience includes not just me, but all those whom I have come in contact with over this life. There is a school of thought that goes that those attempting to help others should be nonjudgmental, this is not my school however.

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It's not up to you to accept or not whether or not her husband is unresponsive to her needs - you can't know, and I can't know...so your not accepting seems based on your life, rather than hers.

the point, which has completely escaped you, is that there are two sides to every story. I was articulating what I expect her husband would say if he were to speak, what in my experience the other side of the story usually is. Playing the Devil's advocate is often a useful method to help people who are locked into their own head space, who need to be shown alternative viewpoints. I was my judgement that Peanut acted so locked, and thus my response might be helpful.

Your chant "it is all about you hawkeye" is your dismissal of my point of view, which no doubt has to do with some emotional residual left on you from some previous encounter you and I have had. Your last couple of post are all about trying to get at me, and you have polluted Peanut's thread to do it. You should consider growing up and knocking it off.

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@hawkeye10,

Quote:

The weakness of your argument though it that my life experience includes not just me, but all those whom I have come in contact with over this life.

That's not a weakness - that’s a given...and again, I was talking about how your past resulted in your judgmental attitude towards peanuts " your judgements don’t appear to be about who she is, nor how she articulates herself - they appear to be about your life.

Quote:

There is a school of thought that goes that those attempting to help others should be nonjudgmental, this is not my school however.

There’s nothing wrong with making (specific) judgements (qualified is best) if you base them on the given circumstance of who the person is, where they’re at, and what they're experiencing... but there is a problem if you base your judgements of others on who you are and where you’re at.

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the point, which has completely escaped you, is that there are two sides to every story.

You aren’t reading my posts accurately to arrive at that conclusion.

But to make it clear for you - there are two sides to every story. One side rarely contains the whole picture (they may not see, or they may not understand, or they may indulge in self deception, or some other reason leading to them having a limited perspective, or wishing to put their case to others in the most favourable perspective)...and yet, for that person, that may be all they know .

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Playing the Devil's advocate is often a useful method...

I would disagree in that I don't think the devils advocate is about blame, but about expanding perspective. Once again, I have no issue with your advice.

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Your chant "it is all about you hawkeye" is your dismissal of my point of view,

Would you care to quote where I dismiss your point of view?

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Your last couple of post are all about trying to get at me, and you have polluted Peanut's thread to do it. You should consider growing up and knocking it off.

I have no interest in ‘getting at you’. My posts have been about one thing " letting you know that I think your past has adversely affected your judgement of Peanuts. The reason for letting you know, is such things are quite unhelpful to people who come here for help. If we let these things go on, they get repeated, especially if the poster is unaware of what they are doing.

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