Dating a widow and need advice.

It depends on the person. How long has she been a widow for, and how long was she with her former husband?

There is a cycle of grief that everyone goes through.

What kind of signals is she giving you? What kind of unusual behaviour does she exhibit?

she has been a widow for 2 years. she was married for 6 years when he died. She still is angry wth him because of the way he died. She is angry because her daughter will never know her father....was 1 1/2 when it happened. There are wedding pictures in living room and bedroom. She wears her wedding ring on her right hand ring finger. She is planning events with her deceased husbands friends that do not include me. She has met my parents and I have not met hers. Im crazy for doing this huh??

she's not ready for a relationship, take a break, a clean break, maybe contact her in 6 months or so, if she misses you enough she may start trying to move on in that time, if not you should move on

I think that I knew the answer, just didnt want to admit it. I guess life goes on....

You might be premature in writing this lady off. That's she's still wearing her wedding ring is the only warning sign I see here. Of course there are wedding pictures around her house. That was a very important day in her life with a very important person and your relationship is going to have to be pretty far advanced before you can expect her to pack 90% of those shots up. Never expect her to put them all away. It's not like this guy was an old boyfriend.

To play pop pychologist here, she is not only mourning her husband, but also the life she thought she was going to have. She went from happily married with a young family and probably a high level of financial security to a single mom with a hole in her heart, high stress and very little free time. That's a fair amount of baggage, but on the other side, you did not say she was constantly comparing you to her husband or constantly talking about the great times they had together. If your dates are fun and don't drift into therapy sessions for her, you might be ok in time.

I guess Im ok with the photos as long as they are not in her bedroom. She does talk about him a lot.... but does not compare me to him. I think that our relationship is more entertainment and practical than anything else. I think that she needs the help and I am more than willing to do it. Problem is I want more than that, and I dont think she is ready to love another man yet. Waiting for someone to be "ready" is a risky proposition.

No. You are not crazy, but by trying to engage in an intimate relationship with someone who is clearly not emotionally healthy, you are at risk of co-dependency. Widow(er)s are a lot like drug addicts. They are in recovery from an emotional trauma which impairs their thoughts, feelings and behavior. As they navigate the road to recovery, widow(er)s may acknowledge their loss, but are often oblivious of the negative impact their grief behaviors have on those around them. Widow(er)s often resist letting go of their grief state and will enlist empathetic parties who tolerate and often even enable unhealthy behaviors. In trying to be "nice" and "good," those of us who date these people often incur emotional damage of our own as a result of our willingness to tolerate inappropriate and hurtful behaviors. The woman who you describe is not available to you as a partner. By your own admission, she is full of anger. She is secretive. She is denying you and your existence. She is emotionally engaged in her previous life and that life does not include you. You are in an abusive relationship and you are very likely accepting behaviors from her because she is "widowed" that you would never allow from another woman. If you continue in this relationship, then you are as responsible for the misery that you will incur as she is for her behavior. If you choose to continue in this relationship, you need to establish boundaries and expectations. If you do not have the strength to do that on your own, then I would recommend relationship counseling with the single goal being that there are mutually agreed upon behaviors that serve as the foundation for your relationship. If she does not agree to counseling and/ or the two of you cannot come to reasonable terms that you BOTH feel good about, then you may consider seeking personal counseling to determine why you would decide to pursue and invest in such a one-sided, empty and emotionally unsatisfactory relationship.

You're right. She's in mourning for her husband and her life. That's the whole point.. People who are in mourning do not have an emotionally or spiritually healthy disposition, which is a base requirement for the development of a successful relationship. Unless Boatman wants to add "grief therapist" to his list of personal attributes, this guy is going to spend the better part of this relationship subordinating his wants and needs to the benefit of a woman who is unable and unwilling to do the same for him. That creates from the outset an inherently imbalanced relationship, which breeds resentment and distrust. The time that they should be spending trying to determine whether they share the same values, goals, interests and worldview, is instead going to be spent with him serving as bodyguard and tourguide as she attempts to navigate this brave new world as a single adult.

Here is the best advice I can give (I am a widow)...

I do not know ALL of your situation's details, but I know what I would want in a new partner if I were to find one. She is feeling a lot of guilt and confusion right now. She wants to love and be loved again, but she has a lingering feeling in the back of her mind that by loving someone else, that she is betraying her deceased spouse, someone she loved and who loved her back. The best thing to do is not be harsh with her, instead, support her. This will mean more to her than you can imagine. Try these...this is what I would like:

1. Let her talk about him when she needs to. Of course, not during an intimate moment between the two of you, but in normal conversation.
2. Do not insist that she put away the pictures. Let her do it when/if she is ready. Instead, add some pictures of you and her together. Adding is a loving move, replacing will make her feel guilty.
3. Allow her to mourn on those "special" days...birthdays, anniversaries, death days. If she wants to be alone, that is a great day for you to go play golf. If she wants you there, let her cry and offer to get some takeout.
4. Accompany her to the cemetery if she would like. Hold her while she cries. Smile when she talks fondly about him.
5. Remember, this man helped shape the woman she has become, the woman that you love. If it wasn't for him, she wouldn't be the woman she is today.

I cannot stress to you how much all this will mean to her and how much all this will make her realize how much you really care about her. She may be surprised in the beginning, but if you keep it consistent, she will realize what a gem she has found, and she won't let you go. If she is the lovely person that you think she is, she probably has a big heart with plenty of room for both of you.

You can try reading this, it might give you some more insight of what widows go through when we decide to date again: http://widowchick.blogspot.com/2010/08/be-patient-loveim-trying-to-make-some.html

Two years is not a long time in the mourning picture. That second year, one can FEEL more rationally, i.e. without falling apart and being over emotional.

Besides, she is also overseeing the mourning of her child for her father. Double whammy.

Yes, there are 3 of you in this relationship.

I don't know what to tell you, but she will have to stand alone for a while, perhaps even without you, to be able to come back around to you someday.

If you have the patience and can put off YOUR needs for a while, then wait. If not, then take care of yourself first and find another love.