Pansy, sissy, weenie, mama's boy....

I tell my boys to be firm but kind - make sure they are not mean to them just because they are weenies and annoying (truly it is) but to be fair in their treatment. They don't always know what that looks like - example - Our neighbor is a big boy - 100 lbs easily - my two might weigh 50 a piece. He will tackle them and is so rough...they take it. But the minute they do it to him he gets up crying and runs home.

Fortunately his mom knows he is like that and is trying to deal with it. I told the boys not to be mean to him, but if they don't feel like playing with him because of how he acts - I told them to be honest with him and let him know why. A while back I heard J. telling him he was tired of taking all the stuff and D. crying when he played back. J. told him that he wasn't fun to play with.

Harsh truth. But last time D. was over, there was no crying and going home. I guess it would vary some from child to child and situation to situation as well.

Thanks mismi. That's good advice. I'm still processing......

That sounds like a good tacit. In general in dealing with other kids that you either don't like or don't like what they are doing - I tell my daughters this:

You don't have to play with some one or be friends with them if you don't like them, but you still need to kind and nice to them. And for behavior you don't like - tell them you don't like and you will not play with them when they act that way. Like you said - firm, but kind.

Thanks Linkat.

I'm still waiting for more info on this situation -- I emailed the teacher and I am waiting to hear back.

Here's what I do know from a very brief meeting with Mo's teacher and a conversation with Mo:

About three weeks ago all the kids were playing this basketball game at recess. Mo tipped the basketball away from this kid, said "ha ha" and made a shot. It made the kid cry but from what I understand about the way the game is played is that "stealing" the ball is part of the action. Admitedly, the "ha ha" wasn't nice of Mo and when I found out about it (the day it happened) I told him so.

This week the kid's mom wrote a letter to the teacher saying her kid is "afraid to come to school" because Mo stole his ball and that Mo is a bully.

Now Mo might be a lot of things but he isn't a bully. It might have been bullyish is the other kid had been.... I don't know.... three years old but he's the same age as Mo.

Maybe I'm seeing through mom-colored glasses so I wrote an email to the teacher saying there has to be more to it than stealing the ball during a basketball game. A kid is afraid to come to school because of that?

It is notable that another kid who "was afraid to come to school" (nobody knows why) didn't have to come for four months but just returned this week.

Seriously, if I had complained to my parents that I was afraid to go to school because some kid stole my ball they would have laughed their asses off.

If Mo had come to me with the same complaint I would have told him to get real.

It just seems like the slightest little injustice results in these huge issues. Kids are never allowed to just work things out.

I'm ranting. Apologies.

But seriously, based on what we do know, does this sound like bully behavior to you?

I'm with you Boomer - That is how you play basketball...you steal the ball and go for the shot - and my understanding - in any sport - is there is a specific amount of smack talk required ..."Ha Ha" falls into that category. No, it may not be polite - but for pete's sake - they are playing basketball - not having a tea party. I do believe the crying kid's mom is doing him a disservice by not teaching him that that kind of play is just part of the game and not meant to be mean or hurtful. He should have laughed it off and got the dang ball back and Haha'd Mo back.

But I will say - many parents don't seem to have that perspective - they are raising victims - and unfortunately that will follow him his whole life. That's my take on it anyway.

I'll ditto that - Mo was being a normal kid. Although the Ha Ha wasn't nice - it is normal behavior for a kid. You handle it the right way - Ha Ha isn't the way to behave.

It is not normal, however, for a kid to be too scared to go to school because he got the ball taken from him and some one said ha ha. It sounds to me as if the kid is manipulating his mom. This kid will grow up to be a wimp if he can't handle this little altercation.

Just that he be reasonably polite n civil.
If the kid is a crybaby, that is only his business -- a personal matter.





David

I agree! These parents are raising a weenie, a sissy if the boy doesn't want to
come to school because the ball got taken away from him during a game.
I wouldn't even bother with such nonsense, boomer, just ignore it!

My daughter never could be bothered with sissies, so I guess I was lucky
to not have had these kind of issues, but at the same token, she immediately
ran up to a teacher once when a boy sissy was pushed and shoved by other
boys. So she stuck up for them but didn't want to be bothered otherwise.

I see that there are some kids that can't take up for themselves...either they lack the internal fortitude or whatever. I am trying to teach the boys that they should not let other people intentionally pick on other children - that is bullying and they should do their best to stand up for the child - or alert someone if the child possibly might get hurt.

But there are those children that seem to thrive on being weak. They can't seem to cope well with any disagreement, or not getting their way, or want the game to go their way so they cry or tell or go home and tell their mama. I do think that this is the parents fault. I may be wrong.

It seems to me though that the ones that do this have parents that are constantly intervening in their child's life trying to get their child to be treated fairly or even preferentially (is that a word? anyway) What they are teaching their child is that everyone should do that for them and when it doesn't happen the child cannot cope. That's my theory anyway.

I have always told my boys that life is not fair. When someone comes over, we allow the child to do what they want to do. After all - these toys will be here when the other child is gone and they can play to their hearts content. This does not always happen when we go to someone elses house. So my boys tell the child..."But I'm the guest", and I have to tell them that it doesn't always work that way at others house. That is our rule and it's okay when we go to someone elses house if that child doesn't want to do the same thing....find a way to enjoy it and make the best of it.

It's hard for kids...but I do think teaching them to cope with things themselves is one of the best things I can do as a parent. Protecting them and not teaching them to deal with situations where they are treated unfairly is not how to do it. I will say - when they tell me that they were treated mean at school - it tugs my heart - of course I want my babies to be treated kindly - I do my best not to over react - and I ask them how they think the child should have acted, and how they would have acted...we generally come to a way to deal well with it the next time - if it happens again.

Then I hug them and send them back in again...

Saying "ha, ha" does not amount to much.
I remember when I was 8,
I had just arrived in Arizona and an adult (teacher ?)
cajoled me, against my better judgment,
into playing baseball with my class in school.
I had no idea what to do, what the rules were or who were
on which team. I got a lot of contrary advice and screwed up,
since I had no idea what to do.

I was then confronted with fiercely vituperative obscenities cast at me
by my 8 year old classmates (half of them; the other half were laffing),
until I began slugging them in their mouths or elsewhere in their faces,
whereupon thay chose to recline on the ground,
discontinued their characterizations of my nature,
and the others that I coud not reach scattered n fled the scene.
I never played baseball since then; (well, I didn 't play it then, either).

Remembering that, saying "ha, ha" seems more socially acceptable.





David

I agree - ha ha isn't much. However, you do want to teach your child to be a good sport. And saying ha ha isn't being a good sport.

Either way though, a normal kid should be able to shrug off a simple ha ha.

YES.
I believe that he needs someone in whom he has confidence (maybe a parent?)
to explain to him that guys will be rude to him -- worse than that was-- and
he needs to understand that rudeness is a defect in the impolite person,
not in the victim of the rudeness, so that the victim shud not
emotionally abuse himself because of the error of someone else.





David

You know I think sometimes our kids also take their cues from us. If we make a big deal about it, they want to. I generally try not to make a big deal about it...but I also think my example in my reactions when I am treated unfairly is important for them to see as well.

I am just trying to avoid the rest of my housework. Got to go finish. dang

Thanks for the input, everyone.

I thought that it sounded like normal kid behavior too and that's why I was so shocked to hear about the bully letter to the school. I don't want Mo unfairly branded as a bully.

I just keep thinking there's more to the story than what I heard. The teacher related the info to me with a shrug and an eye roll which I took to mean that she thought the other parent was over reacting too. But when I asked Mo about it things really came apart "I hate myself! Everyone hates me! I'm stupid!"

It's really scary when he gets like that. This morning he seemed fine and was ready to head off to school without any problem, thank goodness. He has a lot of friends at school so he obviously isn't the mean kid.

In fact, one of his new friends is "Will". "Jack", who's mom wrote the letter, insists that Will is his best friend and is mad that Will accepts Mo's invitations to come over and play. Maybe that's got something to do with it.... I so totally don't understand kids.

We're trying not to make a big deal out of it. In fact, other than the short conversation I had with Mo about it after school yesterday it hasn't been brought up. Mr. B thinks the whole thing is so stupid he's not even going to mention it to Mo unless we discover something bigger is going on.

True - how many times have you seen yourself in your child (usually not at your best).

One time when my daughter was a toddler, she had her dolls all lined up and she was looking at them sternly shaking her finger at them and I wondered where the heck did she get that finger shaking thing. Then low and behold, that same day I caught myself doing that to her. I never even knew I did that!

And I'm avoiding looking at a report.

I think you are right...To kids (boys and girls) it is a big, fat, hairy deal when there are friend problems. But I do think it will blow over and those other two will be fine. I think the hard part is trying to help Mo see that he didn't really do anything wrong. He was not being intentionally mean.

I think the one that needs to be punished is weenie boys mom.

I should probably make it clear that I never suggested to Mo that this kid was a weenie. I would never do that. Never.

Only in my head and on here did I utter the weenie thoughts.

It really seems like kids are a lot more weenie-esque these days. I missed out on the touchy-feely movement in education. Sometimes I'm glad I'm an.... ahem.... older parent but other times I'm just mystified at how much has changed.

When Mo feels sad, as u indicated, quoting him,
u might remind him about his FRIENDS n his popularity with them.





David

I am an older mom too..mystified as well.