Reply
Fri 20 Mar, 2009 01:24 am
I got married in the month of May 2008 to a highly qualified, well employed person who seemed extremely sensitive, patient and in love with me. It was an arranged marriage and we were living with his parents in a joint family set up. Since June, our life has been quite rough with him resorting to hitting himself or me over small day to day issues. In July he abused me in public at a beach, and threw my mangalsutra on the sand saying i didnt deserve to be married to him. He happened to be furious with me as i hadnt made a cup of coffee for his father. On another occasion, he slapped me repeatedly in front of his mother as he felt that i wasnt being cordial with his relatives. He even called my parents and abused them for my wrong brought up. In October he once again got abusive over my not calling his parents over a weekend and slapped and punched me leaving my eye swollen. He refused to take me to a doctor and even took a picture of me just after he slapped me so as to create evidence before any swelling developed. When my parents came over and threatened to go to the police, he was abusive towards them.
He was incapable of having a rational discussion with me, and would land up hitting himself accusing me of driving him up the wall. He hit his head using his hands, or banged his head against the wall. Once he even picked up my slippers and slapped himself. He has always clarified that the abuse was because of me and he wouldnt repeat it.
In a fit of rage, he has broken his phone, thrown his laptop, broken my glasses etc. The wierd part was he would make me keep quiet about the violence and make me feel guilty about and I would even apologise.
I had promised myself that i wouldnt put up with this anymore, and moved out when his abuse didnt stop. He refused to see a counselor, and believed that it was because of me. His parents said that he never behaved this way before our marriage and his actions were because of me. Am I responsible of it? Should I help him? He has no respect for my parents, and repeatedly called me a liar when i narrated these incidents to anyone.
There have been the good times, when we have spent time with his friends or relatives. I never realized that i was in such a bad marriage till i thought about it. I was living in hope that it would never occur again and we will be happy, but it doesnt seem probable. His mother says he will become better if we have a child. He hates children and has very low interest in sex. Will such a person change or was i being an optimistic fool? I dreamt of a great future with this guy... should i give it another shot or just move on?
You should leave. As nations like India become increasingly industrialized you'd figure that people would be marrying at later ages and that arranged marriages would pretty much go away.
He will not change. Move on.
Depending on which country you live in there are support services available for women living in abusive marriages. If you live in Australia post which state and I will find relevant links to support services.
Why is he behaving like this? doesnt he understand that it is wrong?
@indianmantra,
It doesn't matter. The cause and the reason do not matter. What matters is you are being hurt and don't deserve to be. The only way you can really and truly make it stop (people can change but it is extraordinarily rare; the odds are not good at all) is to leave him and hope he gets the help he needs.
You will never have a good marriage with this man. He will probably get worse by many times and never better. I hope you will find some support and that you will stay away from him permanently.
@indianmantra,
I don't think you
could help him, indianmantra, even if you wanted to ... And I'd very much doubt that his anger/violence problems actually first began during your relationship, as his parents have suggested. As for his mother's "solution" to his problems (you having a child), that really is not a terrific idea! (Then there'd be two of you living with his violent outbursts!) The thing is,
you must decide whether you stay or go. It sounds like he has no intention of taking any responsibility for his own behaviour - or even acknowledging that he has a problem. Me, I couldn't stand to live with anything like what you've had to cope with. Very frightening.:
Quote:In a fit of rage, he has broken his phone, thrown his laptop, broken my glasses etc. The wierd part was he would make me keep quiet about the violence and make me feel guilty about and I would even apologise.
I had promised myself that i wouldnt put up with this anymore, and moved out when his abuse didnt stop. He refused to see a counselor, and believed that it was because of me. His parents said that he never behaved this way before our marriage and his actions were because of me. Am I responsible of it? Should I help him? He has no respect for my parents, and repeatedly called me a liar when i narrated these incidents to anyone.
There have been the good times, when we have spent time with his friends or relatives. I never realized that i was in such a bad marriage till i thought about it. I was living in hope that it would never occur again and we will be happy, but it doesnt seem probable. His mother says he will become better if we have a child. He hates children and has very low interest in sex. Will such a person change or was i being an optimistic fool? I dreamt of a great future with this guy... should i give it another shot or just move on?
Dear All,
Thank you for your replies... I have decided on moving on. The fact that he doesnt change, coupled with his parents supporting his horrible behaviour makes me deeply fear for my security. I cant see him as the father of my children, or a support system for me. My parents and sister have understood my point of view, and thankfully despite the social taboo, they have chosen to be with me. I need to get a divorce and get rid of a lingering guilt that i was responsible for it and i could have helped him...
@indianmantra,
hi,
I'm glad you'ved decided to move on. He will not change. Especially since his parents support his behavior, there is no hope that he will change.
Good luck, indianmantra
@sakhi,
Dear Sakhi,
I have seen your post on this site. His behaviour seemed quite similar to what you had written about. The added quirk was that he used to hit himself.. and even cry saying i was driving him up the wall whenever we had a disgreement and was convincing me that I responsible for his behaviour.
When we were out with friends or with company he was totally different. He was charming and nice... At home he was spoilt and aggressive. He was picking on me more than my mother in law, and that really hurt!
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace