And All The Sad Little Crabs Went, Oh My Freaking God

And All The Sad Little Crabs Went, Oh My Freaking God
Mark Morford 9/29/03

Darden Restaurants Inc. said it had replaced the head of Red Lobster after an all-you-can-eat crab promotion went awry. President Edna Morris, who had been in that job just 18 months, left to pursue "other interests," the company said, including but not limited to sitting around all day sulking and pissy and wondering if Spaghetti Hut was hiring and chowing down boxes of Twizzlers all disgruntled and cursing the day Red Lobster ever entered her unfortunate life.

Darden execs said Red Lobster management had badly miscalculated how many times customers would refill their plates after paying $20 for an "endless" crab entree, never guessing that people would drop their Jefferson at the register and grab a plate and then run like sceeching demons and literally leap on top of the steaming vats of crab, writhe and kick and rub themselves all over and hoard it all and shove it down their gullets as fast as possible while trying to block any and all others from taking the good hunks and the claws, everyone grunting and screaming and reeking like pre-frozen three-day-old crab, a nightmare vision of this horrid feeding frenzy thing, because if there's one thing American's love, it's serious and unadulterated gluttony at a scary-ass vacuum-sealed chain restaurants, and pity the poor innocent crabs somewhere that gave their lives only to be sucked down in a all-you-can-eat Red Lobster promotion somewhere in rural Des Moines.

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2003/09/24/financial2241EDT0391.DTL&nl=fix