My wife is a stripper

This is a no-win situation. Your wife is out at night, drinking, and entertaining other men. Some job description! The money must be very good, otherwise no spouse would have put up with this kind of "job"

And . . . Now her "professional" life is spilling over into your marriage.

You two need counseling quick.

Things can't go on as they are. Your child's life is at stake.

I'd say you and your wife, first of all, need to deal with her drinking problem. Sounds like she is getting drunk a lot, and that's when the trouble starts.

She doesn't get drunk that much, but when she does I dont like it and I make sure she knows it, I think thats what causes the lashing out? I know she drinks because she wants to numb herself from what shes doing, but its when she drinks to make money that bothers me, certain customers require her to drink with them in order to tip her for her time, not all customers want private dances, they just want someone to sit and talk and drink with them.

I agree its not, I do put up with it because I lost my job back in September and havent been able to find another one in this crappy economy (another thing that adds stress to our relationship). I do believe she hates spending time with these pigs but its something she has to do in order to make money from them, something we both dont understand is the mentality of the men who think these woman are whores and all they wanna do is have sex. Most of these woman are in a relationship or married and doing this to bring in extra income, I just wish these men would understand its a JOB and enjoy my wife while shes there and pay her well for all that shes giving up every night! The money is good on occasson, but like everything else has dropped off in the last year, funny, these men still go to these places to get drunk but hold onto there tips, giving them out sparingly? Theres a buncha lookiloos getting a free show and turning there backs when it comes to tipping.

I also agree that her professional life is spilling over into our marriage and it does bother me a LOT! I feel like her customers get more of her than I do because when shes home shes usually sleeping and by the time she gets up she only has a few hours at best for us, her family, before going back to work. I do appreciate her days off but she is usually still sleeping late. I would definately agree to counseling, Id like to see what if anything im doing to cause all of this?
When we met she was going to school for nursing and when she finally got into the program she had to decline because we just had our daughter and it would have been too difficult for her, she still regrets not going because she would have been finished already and working as a nurse (way better money!) I feel guilty alot about that. I want her to be able to go back, but the way things are going I dont think its guna happen anytime soon?

As far as our daughter, she in no danger whatsoever! My wife loves her with all her heart and would never do anything to hurt her, her anger when shes drunk and we're fighting is directed at me because im usually blasting her for being drunk (my insecurity) and she cant handle it. It usually ends with one or both of us crying and appologizing for making such a bad decission.

Let me just explain first, my wife only came home 2 times drunk in the 2 1/2 years dancing, but for me that 2 too many times.

If she is/was a half way decent stripper she has to (or had to ) enjoy doing so, and enjoy the attention received from men, and the sense of power derived from doing so.

Stripping inevitably warps ones view of the world. Women treat you like a slut, and men treat you like you're easy and you want it. The stripper sees how easy it is to manipulate males using her sexuality. The stripper gets every pickup line, and every type of guy hitting on her, until most bore her and so she only gets excited by the best / most different / most manly / funniest ones.

If your wife is very sexual, loves attention, and is a stripper - you've every reason to be worried, but why did you marry her in the first place (or agree to her becoming one, if you were already married)?

It does seem that your wife believes she can walk all over you.

As a personal observation, I've noticed that anything that is repressed by a person, tends to come out when they are drunk. If your wife is very abusive to you when she's drunk, she's harboring a lot of anger (either towards herself, you, or everyone...or any combination thereof)

As for how this affects you - Do you know what you want? Are you worthy of receiving what you want? (that's not a condescending question - that's asking if you believe, in your head, if you are worthy of such).

Understand that our minds want congruency. In otherwords if you act one way, while believing a different way - your mind will work to make the contradictor action/belief meet (usually by trying to supress the old belief by attempting to modify or change the old belief). That can leave a tangle of repressed and unresolved emotions. Note : This paragraph applies to everyones lives, but in this case, most especially to your wife's stripping, and to your settling for thigns you don't like. The resultant state of your mind is something you are totally self responsible for.

It's why being true to yourself is both the hardest (at first), and the best course course (because in the long run, you get the life you want, not the life you got lumped with).

I do not want to get involved with the personal nature of your post. However, your daughter is at the age where a child can learn to read with word cards. There might even be a website that explains the best approach (Google - teaching/child/"to read"). I believe that a young child that has mastered the basics of reading before first grade is often treated special by many teachers, and can become one of the "gifted" children we hear about. That can lead to scholarships, schools for the gifted, etc. If that is your "charge," that may be a way to enhance the excellent job you are already doing. Naturally, this is your decision; I just wanted to make the thought known.

Hey - I don't understand you. You complain because your wife is in a profession that is physically, emotionally - and now - financially UNHEALTHY for her. Besides, its DEMEANING!! And you want to know why she can't pay attention to YOU.

Why don't you get a backbone and work double shifts at McDonalds and get your wife out of that hell-hole?? Can't you see it's killing her?

Sully, why did his wife choose to become a stripper?

I think stripping is certainly emotionally unhealthy, because of the things I listed in my above post. As for the other unhealthy 'things', I would say I disagree : Stripping certainly isn't Physically unhealthy - usually the opposite, although to keep up the good looks, many eventually resort to plastic surgery, which I would say is physically unhealthy. The OP doesn't say it's financially unhealthy for her, and it usually isn't (until they start the cosmetic surgery stuff).

How is stripping demeaning? (Yes, I have my own view, but in the case, the point being - such things passed as one word sentences without explanation tend to sound judgemental - and the OP wouldn't have posted here if he didn't want help). In answering, Remember that his wife made the decision to become a stripper...and she certainly wouldn't have become one 'because it's demeaning'.

If your wife is very sexual, loves attention, and is a stripper - you've every reason to be worried, but why did you marry her in the first place (or agree to her becoming one, if you were already married)?
It does seem that your wife believes she can walk all over you.

the "wife" chose to become a stripper because the "husband" wanted a new toy.. a new Hummer H2, that depreciated $30,000 once driven off the lot. We have 2 choices: bankruptcy or dancing.

As far as physically unhealthy, she totally blew out her knee 3 months ago, and could not walk for 2 weeks(housemaids knee-happens to a big percentage of dancers, along with wrist and back problems). So don't act like the job is easy! Get up on the stage, contort your body in ways it should be in and perform like a monkey for worthless assholes and tell me if your body wouldn't hurt?!

Pastic Surgery isn't bad!? With the right docter and circumstances it can work wonders as long as one doesn't go overboard. If your "wife" has kids, breastfeeds...why can't she go to a great surgeon and regain the body that she had before kids?! What is wrong with that? Addictions happen in all forms: eating, exercise, drinking, internet.. My wife's goal is to get her nursing degree and work for a top surgeon.

We both made the decision for her to dance..not strip nude!! dance.. And, yes, she finds it demeaning. She has a hard time putting on her game face and hustling. I have my own fears related to her work, and I thought I would get advice, not someone tearing down my wife or me.

You asked her too? And you’re worried about the consequences? Everything we do has consequences, and it seems you don’t like the ones you’re facing.


That’s makes it physically hazardous...healthy to me would be the aerobic fitness, the muscle tone, and the extra energy it would provide for day to day activities.

Done for the self, and just one or two pieces, there’s not much of a problem. Of course, as a stripper it’s not done just for the self, because they are under pressure from their industry to keep up their looks " what message does that send them subconsciously about their worth as an individual?


You’re practicing avoidance on a number of levels.

Your two sentences avoids the truth in each other sentence. One says she just dances, the other says she finds it demeaning. You can dance without demeaning yourself.

Also, if you’re encouraging her to demean herself, who do you think she’s going to blame? Take the bankruptcy and tell your wife you support her dignity and self esteem over money.


Odd, I haven’t torn down your wife one iota. You appeared to be unaware that there are psychological effects on strippers. My comments were generically aimed at pointing that out to you, without judgement on her as a person.

You have been getting advice. And you’ve stated finally come out and given enough information for the correct course of action " that is to support your wife’s dignity and self-esteem over the money. As long as the message you send her is “I prefer money over your dignity and self-esteem”, what possible respect can she have for you?

Your two choices haven't been stripping or bankruptcy, they were bankruptcy or supporting/protecting your wife's dignity and self esteem.

Grow some balls and protect your wife like you're meant to.

what do you do: you get her out of the sex business as soon as you can, as she is ill suited for it and you are not able to deal with it either. Talk to her, see if she is in agreement that the best plan is to economize in the extreme now, get her out, and then to work to getting her into nursing training.

You were a damn fool, buying a toy that you could not afford and putting your wife into this position. You put your fun in front of her well being, any woman is going to lose respect for a man who does this.

Thank you, I do agree and appreciate your suggestion that our daughter needs extra attention, she is very smart and picks things up quickly and would definately benefit from these kinds of things. I do feel like I have been neglecting her intelligence by not reading to her or helping her learn when shes so obviously ready to.
Thanks for not landblasting me over my obvious lack of respect for myself or my wife, and for focussing on whats truely important, our daughter.

Let me respond first by sayin that my wife was the one who previously responded to your response (if that makes sense?). She found and read my concerns and everyones responses and decided to make the point the Hummer H2 which we BOTH purchased the main issue, thats not my issue, my issue was how she changed during the time she began stripping as well as the constant discrepancies in what she was doing versus what she was saying, they weren't lining up and I began feeling as if I was being lied to, she started smoking and drinking, something she never did while we've been married, she did drink rarely during our dating which was ok because she was spending that time with me, she tends to get VERY sexual when shes been drinking and usually forgets what happened during this time? that obviously concerns me, my wifes only complaint before going in to work is "I hope its busy", she has been in this industry in the past, I never made her do it, I will never tell what she can or cant do (I do tell her what I dont like). I was hoping that someone would read this who was in my same position (a husband of a stripper). I dont need someone telling me to get a back bone who isn't in my position and likewise if your wife or girlfriend for that matter isn't a stripper maybe you shouldn't give advise on to someone who does.

She does it for validation of her beauty, her mother had told her, her whole life shes ugly, fat, not good enough and all my wife wants is to prove to her mom that she is beautiful, sexy and worthy. I dont know why she holds onto these feelings but during our whole relationship shes been insecure and theres nothing I can ever do to change it? It drives me crazy most days because she totally HOT and extremely SEXY! She got the breast augmentation because she never felt like she was big enough and when she did the doctor wouldnt give her the size she wanted because he said "its too big for her", she wants to go back after a couple years and get them bigger.
So you tell me, why do insecure people do unhealthy things? Never satisfied with the truth but always holding onto the hurtful things said to them in their childhood by hateful, controlling parents.
I believe she strips because its specific to the insecurity she has as well as something she knows she can do and make lots of $ doing. Her biggest fears are not being good enough physically and losing her credit rating. I dont care about physical things, the car can go for all I care and go ahead and file bankruptcy, I did several years ago myself and im doing fine. I dont believe in the worlds system because as we recently found out, its going to hell anyhow no matter what we do. All I care about is my family, I want my wife to be happy and secure and I want to know that our relationship is sound and doesnt include any extra marital discrepancies? I love my wife and would do anything for her, I just want what every husband or wife wants - to be the only one!

I dont encourage her to demean herself, I am the one constantly telling her I dont want her doing it, its her who doesnt want to stop because she feels like its the easiest way to make the money she wants to make, her first concern is her credit score and making sure that shes paying her bills, I would love for her to STOP dancing, I tell her constatly to do something else! obviously she wants to continue dancing or she would be doing something else. I try and support her every day, even while shes dancing, do I like it? NO! but what other option do I have? Support my wife NO MATTER WHAT SHES DOING! Isnt this important?
I could care less about the money and have stated to her numerous times to let the damn car go! I JUST DONT CARE... Shes the one who cares, she doesnt like the responsibility but doesnt want to lose her credit rating. Another truth is we had a Hummer prior to the one we purchased before she started dancing and the payment was just a couple hundred less than our current payment, what she failed to mention in her response was that she was getting her breast augmentation and didnt want anything to get in the way of that, so its not the H2 alone but the addition of the bigger boobs that sent her over the edge (I never wanted her to get the augmentation).
My balls are just fine! She does what she WANTS to do, NOT what I tell her to do (she would NEVER do that!) As i've said before, I choose my wife's dignity and self esteem over money any day of the week!

I appreciate the honesty and agree that I was a fool, I should have know better but to fill in some blanks, we had a Hummer prior to buying the one we currently have, the one we traded in was the same year as our new one and is only a couple hundred more a month, the hardship is the car payment along with the new boobs (I never wanted the boobs, although they are wonderful).
I do want her out and have told her since the begining, its her who wants to stay because she feels like its the easiest way to make the money she wants, I could care less about the money and she knows it. It was never my choice for her to dance, in fact it was her who suggested it and I stupidly agreed to it (still my fault). I do want her to agree to a plan to get her out of this industry, and hopfully soon?!

you are contradicitng yourself, first you have it that she hates the work and only does it because you spent so much, now you have it that she was helping to spend the money and does not want to quit.

Did she play you to get to where she could step out on you and have some fun??? Sounds like you need to do some soul searching about what has happened to your marriage before you start trying to figure out where to go from here.

I'll agree with Hawkeye here - your latter posts sounds much more reasonable, and contradict your earlier posts (in fact, the tone of the posts are quite different).

There's only one way to grow as a person that I know of - find out who you are (what your values/beliefs/principles are etc) and be true to yourself.

let her be the stripper you've probably trust her, it's not sex work