Dating for the first time after divorce

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First of all let me say I don't like whatever they have done with this website and I hope they change it soon.

I've been separated from my ex since October of 2007 and have been fighting for him to sign the divorce papers ever since. I had no choice but to move back in with my parents during the separation process until I got back on my feet. I haven't dated anyone since I left my ex because I just wasn't finding anyone I was attracted to, plus I already had a lot of responsibility back at home to concentrate on.

Now that things at home have calmed down I have more freedom to meet people, I met this guy a few months ago but I was immediately turned off when I found out he was 21 and I was four years older. I was looking for a mature man not so much older than myself until after I met this 21 year old and talked to him. I realized he was more of an adult than my own 23 year old younger brother. We've gone out a few times in the past week and being with him makes me happy not just because it has been a while, but because he is such a sweetheart. Now here's the dilemma...

I just found out that he leaves next month to go into the service (which of course I completely support) but it makes me wonder exactly how far I should go with him. I'm starting to feel things for him but I am also trying to push those feelings away because he leaves in less than a month. I don't want to hurt myself and I don't want to hurt him. I think serving the country is a very noble thing to do, but I want his mind to be clear when he goes. I don't want his head mixed up with feelings about me. He signed up for 6 years which means I will probably never see him again. I just don't know what to do. Do I go with it as long as it will last, or cut it off short so no one gets hurt?

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@kitkat bar,

Hi kitkat,

I am glad that your home life has settled down and I hope your Mom is okay too!
As to your question: considering that he is only 21 and you're also very young with 23, I would say that it's probably best if you both part as friends and
don't carry on a long distance relationship. You shouldn't be tied down like
this and neither should he. Remain on a friendly basis with no strings attached
and no promises made.

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You have been through a relationship where you started out " liking each other" and having those same giddy happy feelings and learning that those feelings dont last.

So why try to have those feelings with someone whom you may never see again?

You know that those feelings will not be maintained through a long distance relationship so why even bother?

You know this. You know this. You know this....

enjoy it for what it is.

Im too glad to hear that things are calming down for you and your life is starting to become normal! Smile

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I think you are right, I think at one point it is going to have to end. I have a feeling that is going to be a lot harder for him than it will be for me. Either way it's going to be hard because he's completely falling for me right now. The hard part of it is, is that we are both in the part of our lives where we are ready to get back on the horse again, unfortunatly, we met each other at the right place in the wrong time.

I know that being out of a reltaionship for so long has nothing to do with how I feel about this new guy because originally when I found out how old he was I wasn't interested in the least. He gave me his number and I never called back for weeks. When we ran into each other again months later we began to talk a little more and I realized how wrong I was about him. He told me he feels like the luckiest man on the planet right now and finds it amazing that "a girl like" me is even talking to a dorky guy like him, almost like an episode of Beauty and the Geek only this geek is actually adorable and not your typical pocket protector computer nerd.

This is a very difficult situation because I'm starting to have feelings for him. But I care more about his leaving tearing us apart so I hope to have the conversation with him soon about where we should really be going with this realtionship.

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@kitkat bar,

Quote:

I don't want to hurt myself and I don't want to hurt him. I think serving the country is a very noble thing to do, but I want his mind to be clear when he goes. I don't want his head mixed up with feelings about me. He signed up for 6 years which means I will probably never see him again. I just don't know what to do. Do I go with it as long as it will last, or cut it off short so no one gets hurt?

KitKat, believe it or not, you can't take responsibility for other peoples feelings. It does a disservice to them (because you can't trust them with their own feelings), and to you (because reality is, you can't control another persons feelings, and trying to do so just drains you of energy).

Also, worrying about another persons feelings clouds your judgement of where this is going for you (and if it's not going anywhere for you, then there is no point)

That is to say - make your decision on what you want and need in life (the decision will become clearer to you then). After you know what you want, then you weigh his feelings into the equation and make the best possible decision you can (but try not to make a decision in a way that removes his ability to make his own decisions, which is a disrespectful method - eg. You won't be able to handle this, therefore I won't let you) .

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@vikorr,

I see this going one way or the other. If the other, be smart and use a contraceptive.

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NEITHER of you is ready to make any kind of commitment for the long term. He's going away and you are new to the dating scene.

So - why not not make a "deal" with him that you two are going to keep it casual and what will be, will be. He will have "leaves" - you can see him then. But do not "wait" for himt let him foce any promises on you.

Now - if you are asking if you should have sex with this fellow - only you can answer that. But he seems very vunerable and ready to fall in love, so be very careful with what you are doing with him.

A 21 year old male is really just a boy. The service will help make him nto a man.

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@sullyfish6,

I wouldn't make such a generalization, though I might usually nod. I've known some super 21 year old boys.
I don't mean so much sexually, but as great humans.

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@ossobuco,

Just a thought on that - I recall reading a study that found that 90% of guys who married in their teenage years were divorced within 10 years. I wouldn't doubt that they were still great human beings Smile

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Dating for the first time after divorce

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