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Wife Is Passing Copious Gas

 
 
Chumly
 
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 01:46 am
It's 11:30 p.m. and I'm sitting in bed watching the Colbert Report on the boob-tube, configuring the network for multiple automatic backups from my various machines, posting on A2K, and making an on-line purchase of a digital camera.

My trusty wife is soundly sleeping by my side.

You might say this is a picture-perfect example of middle-aged, high-tech, middle-class, materialistic nirvana...........except for one foul-fatal-flaw!

An unspeakable oder is leaching out from her privates, instilling the air with noxious vapor, no doubt generated in her large intestines, and indiscriminately expelled through her anus.

I have tried to force her into a spare broom, but all attempts have failed. She half-wakes claiming I'm tearing off her limbs off in the process, then goes back to sleep and farts to high-heaven.

My breathing is becoming ragged, a general malaise is setting in, death by fumigation is imminent, that damn cat has again taken up residence on the bed despite my best efforts to keep him out.

All is lost, this is the end of my known existence, please be kind when you write my epitaph.

"Roger, WILCO, Over and Out"
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Type: Discussion • Score: 8 • Views: 3,404 • Replies: 16
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Sglass
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 01:55 am
Ah for goodness sake. If you can't handle it, you go to the spare room.

If you are looking for sympathy, I think you will find it between **** and sphyllis in the dictionary.

I don't believe you posted that. Then on the other hand I don't believe some of the stuff I've p0sted.

What did you have for dinner.
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 04:21 am
@Chumly,
Lighting the farts provides odour relief and amusement...but needs fire safety and good timing.

Otherwise, lighting a match in the room seems to work with toilet odours.

Do you have a box of matches handy? Be careful you know...gas is explosive at the right concentrations in a room.

There are room fresheners with filters that one can buy.....they are electrical.

Erm...what are you guys EATING?

This all sounds a little excessive.


NB: ANY partner would resist being placed in a spare broom, which horrid fate you appear to have attempted to inflict upon your wife.




There there...you can have sympathy from me.

plantress
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 09:47 am
open a window!
0 Replies
 
Sglass
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 09:55 am
@dlowan,
You can light farts? Is it dangerous?
gungasnake
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 10:17 am
@Chumly,
Get rid of the processed sugar in the diet...
0 Replies
 
DrewDad
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 12:31 pm
http://www.nosefilters.com/images/filinnos.gif

http://216.119.70.170/images/mainimg_1.jpg

http://bookofjoe.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/12/10/kl.jpeg
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 12:51 pm
get her some of these-

http://www.vincentchow.net/815/underwear-with-fart-filter
Chumly
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 01:08 pm
Does it come in a leopard-trim lace bikini style?
0 Replies
 
Sglass
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 01:38 pm
@shewolfnm,
Get out, a fart filter?
0 Replies
 
Ticomaya
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 01:43 pm
@Sglass,
Sglass wrote:
If you are looking for sympathy, I think you will find it between **** and sphyllis in the dictionary.

What sort of dictionary do you have?
Sglass
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 01:57 pm
@Ticomaya,
Gotcha Tico-Bell, think about it (there is no sympathy) you articulate, erudite so and so you.

Happy Holidays.
0 Replies
 
hamburger
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 03:09 pm
@Chumly,
nothing unusual about that at all !

Quote:
Do people pass gas when they're asleep?

Yes! We all do it, some more than others, Flatus (gas that is passed from the anus) as opposed to gas that is passed from the mouth(belching or burping) and gas that is stuck in purgatory(bloating)

For some, most gases escape when you are SLEEPING.. ...

Intestinal gas is made up of oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, hydrogen, ammonia, methane, and hydrogen sulfide. The latter 3 gases account for the more toxic levels of the odor. The composition of the gas varies depending on the types of intestinal bacteria that are present.


Factors that increase gas production include:
--Anything that increases swallowing of air such as talking while eating, chewing gum or sucking on candy, using a straw or sports bottle, deep sighing, smoking or chewing tobacco, or ill fitting dentures.
--Tight-fitting garments
--Long-term use of medications for relief of cold symptoms
--Smoking or chewing tobacco
--Overloading your stomach
--Hormonal changes such as during menstrual cycle
--Constipation or Irritable Bowel Syndrome


Foods that cause an increase in gas production include:
--Milk products especially if you are lactose-intolerant which means that you do not have the enzyme lactase needed to digest the carbohydrate, lactose.
--Carbonated beverages
--Spicy, fried or fatty foods
--Broccoli, cabbage, onions, celery
--Beans
--Apple or prune juice
--Dried fruits
--Anything containing sorbitol, mannitol or maltitol, found in many low-carb or sugar-free foods
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 04:54 pm
@Sglass,
Dangerous?

Not in my experience.

'Tis a brief but amazing sight.

But in night attire? I wouldn't try it.

Good healthy jeans.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVoIT7oUC3s&feature=related
Sglass
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 05:19 pm
@dlowan,
In my best Hawaiian pidgeon "Really?naaaw." which means in good old USofA slang "are you shitting me?"
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 05:22 pm
@Sglass,
Well, I have never seen enough to light a candle....but they light all right.

Sounds like Merry will be a good candidate when you get him home.

I guess shitting something is an occupational hazard in the fart lighting industry.
0 Replies
 
msolga
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Dec, 2008 08:00 pm
Chumly

I thinks it's best if last night's leftovers are thrown out. Or perhaps fed to the dog? No, on second thoughts, that might not be such a good idea, either!
0 Replies
 
 

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