Smoking pot: when is it not ok?

Reply Fri 12 Dec, 2008 10:06 pm
I have been kicking this issue around for awhile. My hubby likes a puff quite frequently. I knew he liked pot before I married him 17 years ago. We have had a lot of discussions over the years about why he 'needs' to smoke pot. He says he doesn't need to, just likes to. I think it's more need than want. The issue right now is this:

I am having chemo every 3 weeks for breast cancer. I asked him to not smoke pot while I'm having chemo for several reasons. One, I need to know he's available mentally if I need him. Example: He had to drive me to ER a few weeks ago and he was going 25 MPG when we could have gone faster, but since his brain was on weed he maintained that he was going a 'safe speed'.

He goes into a pretty deep sleep an hour or so after smoking and I worry that if I need help I won't get any. We live in a very remote area and especially this time of year everyone - most of the neighbors - are gone snowbirding. He sulked about my request to quit so I relented and said, ok, smoke if I'm doing ok and can get around. Otherwise I need help cooking, etc or it doesn't get done. So he's back to smoking. He seems to have a temper if he doesn't get his smoke. Is that typical? Weed rage? I think it's selfish of him. Or am I being unfair? We have talked to counselors over the years and the last one actually sided with hubby and said she smoked pot too, and what was the problem? Duh.

Here is a typical day in the life of Bathy: hubby is typing his life history on the computer all day (I mean ALL day) then he comes down to dinner, which I have prepared after having had chemo two days prior, then he has his smoke, then falls asleep on the couch for the rest of the night. This was going on before my diagnosis. He maintains that he does pay attention to me (yeah, right) same old story, eh gals? I think if the guy cared I wouldn't have to even ask him to give up his little habit. I could talk to his brother about this but didn't want to involve the family until I had talked to some of you guys, who can be more objective. Thanks, I will appreciate any input,

(had treatment #2 Wednes)
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Reply Fri 12 Dec, 2008 10:11 pm
People who are NOT addicted to something naturally put things like that down when they are needed. There is no question, discussion or issue. It is just put to the side to be 'smoked' later .

I agree.. there could be an issue.

My first idea was depression,.. but .. DUH>.. he is smoking pot. Of course he is depressed. Marijuana causes depression. duh

so what about having him take some vitamin suppliments? that might get him enough energy by day to find other things to do besides the pot..

like help clean, cook, get you to doctors appointments, help YOU take care of yourself. etc. etc
Reply Fri 12 Dec, 2008 10:32 pm
I didn't know pot caused depression. He is not exactly Mr. Sense of Humour but gets downright silly sometimes after a few puffs. He thinks he's funny anyway. He does take vitamins/supplements and has energy to do what he wants to do.

He will do cooking/cleaning IF I ASK HIM TO. The problem is, sometimes I'm so tired I don't even think to ask. Like today I scrubbed the shower stall because I couldn't stand looking at the scum. He says he doesn't notice - guess that's a guy thing. I have to try & remember to take meds, drink water, walk the dogs, feed the dogs, etc or it won't get done.

Sigh. I don't know what to do, shewolfnm. I don't have the energy to get into battles with him.

Reply Fri 12 Dec, 2008 10:40 pm
Truthfully, I don't think the pot's the problem.

He likes to do what he likes to do, doesn't like to do other things - and won't do them unless prompted. Not necessarily a man thing, just the way some people are wired.

You've seen counselors about the pot specifically or the relationship generally? It seems it's more about his personality and how it works in a relationship with you.

Sloughing the problem off onto pot doesn't make a lot of sense to me.


Interestingly (perhaps), I thought this thread was going to be about you considering the use of pot - as it's often helpful to folks in chemo.
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Reply Fri 12 Dec, 2008 10:52 pm
quoting bethie...

"Interestingly (perhaps), I thought this thread was going to be about you considering the use of pot - as it's often helpful to folks in chemo."

Pot does not "cause" depression...

Hey Diane...
Reply Fri 12 Dec, 2008 11:05 pm
agreed. Nothing I've ever seen from friends (or experienced myself), read or seen research on has stated that marijuana causes depression.

bathsheba: I wish you the best..and that you beat this illness. I've seen decent rearch that has shown that marijuana has helped people with nausea from chemo.
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Finn dAbuzz
Reply Sat 13 Dec, 2008 01:36 am
I have no problem with people smoking pot or taking any other drug, providing they are able to keep it within the bounds of their personal life and commitments.

What you are describing, sad to say, is someone who is addicted.

Either that or, forgive my bluntness, he doesn't love you.

I'm going to assume the former, not the latter, is true, and there is no reason why you should not also.

I'm sure he likes to smoke pot.

I'm sure he likes to eat cake or watch TV, or take a nap at 6:00pm.

The question is, if his wife, for reasons that are entirely not frivolous, asks him to not smoke pot, why won't he or can't he?

Frankly, I doubt he feels good about the situation, but addicts never do. They are also going to strongly resist admitting they have "a problem."

What to do?

I think you should discuss this with his brother or other members of his family.

He needs additional perspectives as I'm pretty certain he has rationalized away yours.

At the risk of seeming cliché, he's going to need a wake-up call.

You might be able to deliver him one if you left him, but I would suggest you first try involving his family.

Be prepared though.

Addicts don't appreciate efforts to break their addiction. Chances are pretty good that he will, at first at least, react negatively to your involving his family.

Someone (perhaps his brother) needs to break through his addictive defenses and make him realize that your needs are more important that his own.

Ultimately, your current needs are more important than any he can manufacture and rationalize.

I'm not sure that your are actually in peril from his smoking but it is enough that you think you are. You deserve his attention and sacrifice, and if he can't give it to you should consider the value of the relationship.

I'm going to be brutally frank here: You are not describing a healthy, loving relationship, and I think you know it.

By all means make the effort to set things straight, but if it doesn't work out, you can have a life without him.

God bless, heal and sustain you.

Reply Sat 13 Dec, 2008 01:47 am
@Finn dAbuzz,
i smoked my last bowl of weed for a while and i come back and see this post, Sad

chronic too

lol @ 25 mph
Reply Sat 13 Dec, 2008 01:48 am
speaking of addicts, the tweaker my dad let stay here ws in a state of psychosis earlier and kept makin moves on me.

be glad he only smokes pot, be so sosoososososo glad.
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Merry Andrew
Reply Sat 13 Dec, 2008 07:53 am
EhBeth and Finn d'Abuzz have the two best answers on this thread.

Your husband sounds as though he has a self-centered, addiction-prone personality to begin with. But there's no question that he is addicted to pot. I say this with some authority as I am a recovered alcoholic. I was addicted to booze and refused to admit it. With the help of Alcoholics Anonymous I've now been clean and sober for more than 13 years. Finn's advice is sound -- talk to members of his family about this; if that fails, a "tough love" solution may be necessary. Like Finn, I have no objections to anyone using the drug of their choice. That's their business, not mine. But if his behavior is making life difficult for you, then it becomes your problem, too.

Btw, I've never read that marijuana causes depression; prolonged use, however, has been documented as a cause of feelings of paranoia.
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Bi-Polar Bear
Reply Sat 13 Dec, 2008 08:06 am
Pot addictive? Horseshit. Sounds like your old man is just a dick. My sympathies on your illness and good luck fighting it off.
Merry Andrew
Reply Sat 13 Dec, 2008 08:12 am
@Bi-Polar Bear,
There's addiction and then there's addiction, Bear. Pot may be less addictive physicially than a lot of other stuff (certainly nothing when compared to tobacco) but there's such a thing as mental and psychological addiction. Anyone who is unwilling or unable to curb a potentially harmful habit is addicted to that habit.
Bi-Polar Bear
Reply Sat 13 Dec, 2008 08:22 am
@Merry Andrew,
so I should stop farting altogether? that could be painful...
Merry Andrew
Reply Sat 13 Dec, 2008 08:30 am
@Bi-Polar Bear,
Ain't nuthin' harmful in a good, loud brrrftttt. (Long as gas masks are handy.)
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Reply Sat 13 Dec, 2008 08:36 am
Here is a typical day in the life of Bathy: hubby is typing his life history on the computer all day (I mean ALL day) then he comes down to dinner, which I have prepared after having had chemo two days prior, then he has his smoke, then falls asleep on the couch for the rest of the night.

Doesn't your husband work? Is he supporting your household?
Reply Sat 13 Dec, 2008 08:37 am
@Merry Andrew,
Exactly, MA. Addiction doesn't have to be chemical. I consider a sex addiction behavioral rather than chemical, just as one example.

Bathsheba - Re-read Beth and Finn responses. Read Finns post three times.

This probably isn't the time when you feel up to being strong, but you are. Please keep us posted on your progress. You'll be in my thoughts.

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Bi-Polar Bear
Reply Sat 13 Dec, 2008 09:13 am
I don't think pot is addictive so much as people lack good judgement. I love to get stoned...but I almost NEVER do....because I have too much to do and I'm aware that once stoned...it's the tv. So again, I think the problem is just that your husband is thoughtless.
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Reply Sat 13 Dec, 2008 10:07 am
Bathsheba - sorry to hear about your life at home. I agree with Beth and Finn as well.

Treatment #2 out of how many?
Reply Sat 13 Dec, 2008 11:01 am
It does sound as if a bit of thoughtlessness is going on there. However, have you tried it yourself? It's supposed to be great for relieving the symptoms of chemo treatments. I have a toke now and again, maybe once every couple to three weeks.
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Reply Sat 13 Dec, 2008 11:46 am
He sounds terribly inconsiderate bathy, at a time when you might expect him to step up more. I'm sorry he hasn't been able to do that, for whatever the reasons.

Since it's been a long standing pattern though, I really do find myself nodding at beth's post, it feels about right, though only you could really say.

Depression may not be part of the general effects of long term pot smoking (I'm not sure I agree with all who have said it isn't) but in my own experience (FWIW), apathy certainly is.

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