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Sun 23 Nov, 2008 07:45 am
My husband of 24 years has recently divulged to me, after much prodding, that he doesn't know how he feels about his marriage to me. He feels dead about it, and about many other things as well, including a new promotion that is very stressful as there is no on-the-job training. Our kids are both in college, being away more than here, which is normal, but he misses them terribly. He does mention the expenses that are never ending - $5,000 every ten weeks, rent, etc.. but insists that he loves doing this for our kids. One of his best buddies died 2 years ago, his dad had open-heart surgery last year and is doing fine, but both parents are in their early 70's. We built a house a couple of years ago before the economy went sour and I work fulltime as a teacher. We both have such potential to have a great future financially and personally. Why is he doing this? Is it a clinical depression or is it that it really is me? I am trying to be kind toward him and he has chosen to stay here, but does not open up about his feelings, and is not physically or emotionally affectionate or comforting. He has never been a romantic man and now says we have nothing in common. I guess I could go on and on, but I will end here. If you have some concrete advice that you could give me, or if you want to know more specifics, please write. Thanks in advance. P.S. He does not rule out the possibility that he is depressed and says that he wants to see a counselor for both him and us.
@mamamia84,
Wanting to see the counselor is a good sign. It means he wants to make things work. I will say, that in my blue moods I am not a big talker myself. It is hard work to divulge information about yourself...working through your feelings is exhausting really. I would think doing what you are doing is good - understanding that he is having to work it out. His numbness is a way of dealing with the stress at hand. Financial stress, a new home, kids being away - it can pile up fast - and be very hard to deal with.
I know how he feels and have often done the same thing....shut down the outer doors hoping a solution would come along. And I did get to a point where I was tired of existing in that numbness. Do encourage him to go to a counselor....get some suggestions from his Dr. and give them to him...tell him you will help him however you can. It is hard...and though I cannot tell you whether it is a mid-life crisis or depression - I am hoping that you will see an end to it soon and that he will find a place where he can be content again and open to you.
best wishes to you both.
I wholeheartedly agree. The fact that he wants to see a counselor is a fine sign that something good can come out of this.
I'm with everyone else (no surprise).
Your husband wants to do something, which is truly fantastic. Your role is to facilitate that. He might not be up for looking around for a counselor. You can help by asking your doctor, or suggest he ask his doctor. He may need help with the days he goes in for counseling, e. g. errands run or the like. So help. I'm not saying you have no say in this or that you don't have a life or feelings (you might want to visit that counselor yourself, too, in order to help with getting tools so you two can work together on working things out), but if your picking up the dry cleaning gets him to get the help he needs, well, then, grab the ticket and pick up the dry cleaning.
I wish you both the best.
Hello mamamia84 and welcome to A2K.
Yes, he's dealing with a lot which might eventually become a clinical situation if it isn't already. Counseling is a good idea. Here's another one. Check out Gail Sheehy's book
Understanding Men's Passages: Discovering the New Map of Men's Lives from the library or bookstore. Everything you've described is perfectly normal for you and your husband to express. Being perfectly normal does NOT make it easy but understanding that adults go through transitional developments the same way kids do is helpful when trying to cope.
No one is surprised when a 2 year old toddler acts 2. No one is surprised when a 13 year old adolescent acts 13. No one should be surprised when a man approaching 50 acts like a man approaching 50. This is an excellent
book which I highly recommend to both of you.
Good luck and keep us posted.
@Phoenix32890,
I will do just that, Phoenix! Thank you kindly for your input. Have a nice Thanks Giving.
@mismi,
Mismi, You were so kind to respond to me as you did. I'm glad to hear that someone understands my feelings and his. I will call the doctor tomorrow morning. Have a nice Thanks Giving and know that you helped a stranger feel better and not so all alone in this.
@eoe,
Eoe,
Thank you kindly for responding as you did. It is nice to know that people can be so understanding and giving of themselves . . . even to strangers. I will, indeed, seek a counselor tomorrow morning. Have a Happy Thanks Giving and bless you!
@jespah,
Jespah, Thank you kindly for responding as you did. I will, indeed, seek a counselor tomorrow . . . and, I will pick up that ''drycleaning''. Have a nice Thanks Giving and I will keep everyone posted. Bless you!
@JPB,
JPB,
Thank you kindly for responding as you did. I will, indeed, seek a good counselor tomorrow and I'm going to go on Amazon. com and order the very book you are suggesting. I myself went through years of anxiety and depression and with the help of my family doctor and I have felt better than ever. Have a great Thanks Giving, JPB, and know that you helped a stranger feel better about things. Bless you!
It sounds like the man is spiritually sucked dry, lots of demands upon him but nothing that gets his motor running. A great deal of the problem might be the marriage....if the couple have seen themselves primarily as co-parents the empty nest is hard to take. The work of the union is done, now what?? This is why the experts always tell parents to make an extreme effort to carve out time for themselves with out the kids while the kids are at home, so that the couple always see themselves primarily as a couple. If the man and wife have kept in touch with each other over the years, if they have maintained a piece of the relationship that has never involved the kids, the transition of the marriage to the empty nest stage is much easier.
AS is often the case one of the best answers to the problem that you describe is sex. If you two can fan the embers of passion he will feel like he has a reason to get up in the morning, and you both will feel closer to each other. Another good thing would be to actively work on your friendship with each other, find reasons to want to spend time with each other.
Mama - It's really important that HE makes those calls to the Dr. and/or counselor. He needs to take ownership for how he feels, not you.
You take care of yourself.
@sullyfish6,
Interesting point. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I'll think on that. Have a nice Thanks Giving, sullyfish!
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