Guilty by the thought of leaving

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I have a problem and maybe someone out there can help me. I have been married for 6 years now (second marriage). For the last 4 years, things have been falling apart. My husband belittles me, in fact, during one of the last fights we had, he called me a loser, bad mother, and told me he was not attracted to me because I have gained a bit of weight over the years.

I have been battling depression and have been prescribed antidepressants to help get through my days. It helps, but is not the answer. I shouldn't even BE depressed!

He has slept on the couch for the last 2 years and hasn't touched me at all during that time. Lately he has been somewhat nicer to me and the girls. However, he still sleeps on the couch.... still raises his voice.....and won't touch me intimately.

My girls, who are 7 & 10, are so unhappy and confused...just as I am. I want to leave, and have the financial means to, but every time I think about it, I feel guilty. I feel like I will hurt him deeply by leaving him alone. Is this normal?

An example of something else he said to me which really hurt me badly. We had a border living in our home. The border was a single father and his daughter who was 10. After 2 months, I had the police remove the border and his daughter from our home as they had no respect for anyone else in the house and he was deeply into smoking pot. We don't do drugs in our home so it was not a good situation.

After the border was gone, my husband accused me of trying to seduce the border. I was shocked! I asked him who he heard that from and he said the border. I couldn't believe that he would take a drug addict's word over mine. And I couldn't believe that he did not trust me!

I think we both felt pressured to marry because we had a daughter together, (my 7 year old). I know this is NOT a valid reason to vow your life to someone, and I have certainly learned from that.

I know now that I am not in love with him anymore, because he's hurt me so much. But how do I get out an not worry about the guilty feelings??? Any suggestions????

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@Cheleanne,

Bad news does not improve with age: Leave.

1 Reply

@gungasnake,

But Gungasnake, I am going to leave, but I need to get over this stupid guilt... how do I do that???

2 Replies

@Cheleanne,

Why should you feel guilty? He's sleeping on the couch for 2 years ... hasn't touched you in that time ... he's already alone, and it's his own doing.

1 Reply

@Cheleanne,

Nietzsche once noted that a lot of what we perceive as guilt is actually man's native instinct towards cruelty turned inwards when there is no external scope for it.

My advice: turn the scope outwards and beat the **** out of the guy; that would HAVE to make you feel better. The guy who wrote the book on bullying people bigger than yourself was Roberto Duran; watch and see what you can pick up:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EG5rzlDLyxg

1 Reply

@Ticomaya,

Ticomaya wrote:

Why should you feel guilty? He's sleeping on the couch for 2 years ... hasn't touched you in that time ... he's already alone, and it's his own doing.

Tico's right.

The marriage is over; it's just limping along on life support, in name only. He may not be out the door but he left a long, long time ago.

Time to jettison the guilt. You can do it.

0 Replies

@Cheleanne,

I think you need a little extra support as you go through this. A sort of divorce coach. Most women have a friend that can play this role, but you might have to pay someone if you don't have the right friend. You could probably contact a local Al-anon group for suggestions on local professionals who can help you go through this change in your life.

You also might want to try and change you thinking. Instead of feeling guilty about staying with this guy, start to feel guilty about keeping your children in such an unhappy home. Your girls are likely to repeat the lessons they are learning from you here. They might end up trapped in abusive, loveless relationships because it was what they knew while growing up. You owe them better than that.

1 Reply

@Green Witch,

I agree with Tico and GW

I mean.. really.. how much farther away can the man get from you besides moving out?
Physically, he stays on the other side of the home.
Mentally he isnt even in your corner for major decisions
I would bet money he has thought about, or might have had an affair.

How much farther can he get from you? And why do you have to stay put to GIVE HIM a point to move farther from?

A couch, a friend, a therapist all of those are a necessity right now.
Everyone feels guilt on leaving a relationship. That emotion is normal. I dont care how bad a relationship is, we always feel guilt to a certain extent. But its ok. What is not ok is allowing that guilt to dictate your safety, your security, and your childrens psychological health. And that is where a therapist can help.

I wish I knew the right words to say to send you packing today, shiny happy and confident but I do not.
Just know that what you are feeling is common and its ok .

0 Replies

Accept your guilt. Embrace it. But don't let it stop you from doing what you want to do.

Unless, of course, you're using it as reason to stay.

2 Replies

Why does the guy sleep on the couch? That must be

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@eoe,

Quote:

Accept your guilt.
Embrace it.
But don't let it stop you from doing what you want to do.

Cheleanne:
Based upon what u said,
I see no reason for u to feel guilty; none.
However, insofar as ridding yourself of the guilt that u indicated
is concerned, I have 2 psychological techniques to suggest,
one of which I have successfully tried.

1 ) Instead of mentally pushing away the emotional pain
of guilt (as is the natural thing to do) EMBRACE ITand with your mind,
try to make it hurt as bad as u possibly can.
Think of it like a bear hug. Let do its worst; make it do its worst.
Pain is not structured to be treated that way; it will vanish.

I have done that a couple of times about emotionally painful
memories and ideation; it worked great !

2 ) I saw this on TV:
A psychologist was treating 2 people with painful thoughts
so severe that thay were both considering suicide.
(A woman had been raped, and a guy had bad memories of combat.)

The psychologist did the following
to each of them:
thay each thought of what was bothering them,
while the doctor moved his fist (or another object)
from their hi left field of vu,
diagonally down to their low right (from the patient's point of vu).
As thay continued to think of the painful ideas,
he kept moving his fist diagonally, as aforesaid.

Thay both reported, individually,
that thay had relief from each of their respective emotional miseries.

Try either of those; or both.
Thay don 't cost much.

David

0 Replies

@eoe,

I agree with eoe. It's easy for someone to tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty about but you knew that already. Knowing one's feelings are irrational is one thing, not feeling them is another.

So -- ok, you feel guilty. Accept that. It's a feeling. You probably have other feelings too. Do you get on with life with a bundle of feelings or do you get bogged down by them? I'm sure you know how many women are trapped in a bad marriage because they don't have the financial means to leave. You're feeling trapped in a bad marriage because you would feel guilty for leaving.

Pack your bags, take your children, move out, and show your kids what it means to have some self-respect even when it comes coupled with a dose of guilt.

1 Reply

@JPB,

That's what i wanted to add too, JPB.
If not for yourself Cheleanne, do it for your girls. They look to you for example and as their mother, you owe them the best possible example that you can muster. Even if it kills you. (which of course it won't.)

0 Replies

@Cheleanne,

You are all wonderful and I know that you are all right! I do have to leave but the other concern I have is how will I feel if he tries to hurt himself because I've left him alone? I know that should NOT be my concern, but it is.

I'm really trying to muster up the courage to go and keep hitting an invisible brick wall...and I don't know why. I WANT to leave.... because I want to find myself again and then possibly happiness. I know there is someone out there for me, someone who will respect me and love me for who and what I am.

I do believe my husband loves me, but not in the husbandly way. And I have to admit, I care for him, but not in the wifely way either. I feel for him, and I know he must be depressed. But I've begged him to see doctors and straighten this out... he won't. He will go to the doctor for everything else, except this problem.

I guess that splitting up is the only logical next step.... You are all so wonderful for your positive, enlightening comments. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart as you have opened my eyes a little more to know what I have to do - for my children....and for myself.... :-)

1 Reply

@gungasnake,

Thanks Gungasnake.... I watched the video, and picked up a few pointers. Thanks for that! FYI, hubby doesn't beat me or the girls. He's more verbally abusive.

Duran threw a right which reminded me of the punch I threw hubby the one and ONLY time he ever touched me in anger. He picked me up and threw me down on the couch. He then proceeded to pin me. I got my right hand free and connected directly to his lower jaw. Oh God, that felt so good!!!! :-)

I am grateful for your comments and the video (even though I'm not a sports fan). I will remember the kindness of you all!

1 Reply

@Cheleanne,

GOOD LUCK !

0 Replies

@Cheleanne,

Cheleanne wrote:

You are all wonderful and I know that you are all right! I do have to leave but the other concern I have is how will I feel if he tries to hurt himself because I've left him alone? I know that should NOT be my concern, but it is.

Ah... what if? what if he tries to hurt himself? what if he doesn't? what if my children are being hurt in our current environment? what if they aren't? what if by leaving him he decides to get some help? what if he doesn't? what if he finds someone else to "keep house" for him? what if he doesn't?

what if? what if? what if... what? Write out the list of what ifs and you'll see that staying in what if paralysis is counterproductive for both of you (not to mention your children) from moving on with your lives. You can't prevent him from hurting himself and any action you take won't "make" him do it either. I have a daughter who used to self-injure. It took awhile but we learned to stop walking on eggshells around her from fear of triggering her cutting. Everyone chooses how to cope with what life throws at them. He's chosen to sleep on the couch. You're choosing to stay in paralysis.

If he makes a certain choice then it was his choice to make. He's chosen to separate from you emotionally but stay with you and the girls at the house. You can accept his choice for the longterm or you can say "Enough!" and make some choices of your own.

What if.... what?

2 Replies

@JPB,

As a minor variation on JPB's idea:
Y not draw a vertical line from top to bottom
of a yellow legal pad, and list the pro s and con s
of leaving, as an aid to help u decide ?

0 Replies

@JPB,

Let the door hit him in the ass. Act now. Worry later. Put your big girl panties on Xena.

1 Reply

@missconduct,

Well, you all have certainly opened my eyes a little more. JPB and MissConduct thank-you for letting the light in a bit more.

You are so right when you say I can't live my life on 'what ifs'.... and yes, I should let the door hit him in the ass!

Another question for you all, when put in a situation such as mine, do you think there is a possibility that he could change? I know it seems like I'm making excuses, but really, I am more confused than anything.

Hubby is acting nicer towards me, although we still have our differences and tiffs, it seems like he's making SOME effort. He still sleeps on the couch and that still hurts, but at least the verbal abuse has calmed down somewhat. What do you all think? Am I fooling myself with this 'logic'?

Chele

1 Reply

Guilty by the thought of leaving

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