How to be a good liberal

Reply Fri 10 Oct, 2008 06:35 am

In order to be a good liberal you have to believe...

that there were no charities before welfare,

that there was no art before federal funding,

that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high,

that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding,

that taxing the use of gasoline or other energy will reduce the use of gasoline or other energy, but taxing work and investment will not reduce work and investment,

that the right to the pursuit of happiness is morally repugnant because it is selfish,

that bigotry and prejudice are evil unless they're against selfish bastards, in which case they're good,

that honest hard-working people who want to spend their money on their own damn families and businesses must be lumped-in with criminals so we can feel self-righteous about despising them as if they were the exact same kind of selfish bastards as criminals,

that private property rights are also morally repugnant because they too are based on selfishness,

that the best ideas are more government intervention in the economy, more aggressive confiscation of private property, more government funding of socially destructive behavior, and a foreign policy subordinated to world opinion,

that a man's home is his castle only until the city condemns it so a politician's developer-crony can build a high tax-paying shopping mall there (which would be for "the public good"),

that freedom of speech and of the press does NOT apply to TV, radio, cell phones, PDAs or the internet, all of which must be government- regulated to enforce OUR ideas -- oops, I mean our ideas of "access" and "fairness",

that whenever there is a question about the purposes and motivations of the United States, one must assume -- no, make that believe -- the worst,

that the United States must not make the decision to defend itself by itself; it must first get permission from the U.N.,

that the terrorist cells busted in Lackawanna, New York City, Miami, Chicago and London weren't a real threat, but a nondenominational prayer before a high school football game is,

that the only people worthy of being a leader, especially president, are those who display our definition of intelligence, which is: showing signs of being an analytical, reflective, self-doubting, slow-acting intellectual who accepts, and adheres religiously to, modern liberal doctrines, including the following:

that all generalizations are false,

that there are absolutely no absolutes,

that you can be sure that nothing is certain,

that it's really bad, even evil, to make or pronounce moral judgments,

that all cultures are equal, but ours stinks; that all truth is relative, except the unquestionable truth of "post-modernism", that no race, class or gender is superior, but middle class white males are clearly inferior, that no books are superior, except, of course, those by third-world authors,

that it's good to support minority, homosexual and women's rights and simultaneously make common cause with Islamofacists, who would attack all of them,

that identifying individuals by their uniqueness is "racist," but identifying them only as a member of a race is not,

that those who oppose liberalism, nomatter how thoughtful or scholarly, can be dismissed out of hand simply by calling them "racist, sexist, fascist homophobes," because, after all, they have to be such, don't they?

that the independent broadcasters who give us 500+ TV channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does,

that good economies are caused by politicians and not by entrepreneurs,

that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity,

that farmers, ranchers, hunters and fishermen don't care about nature and the long-term survival of species, but "animal rights" activists who've never been outside the city do,

that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate and in the cycles of the sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs,

that people who drive cars are bad, but people who ride buses or trains are good,

that people who live in single-family homes (or want to) are bad, but people who live in high-density apartments (or admit they ought to) are good,

that the thinning of forests by lumber companies and forestry workers "destroys habitat," while burning them down in their entirety by allowing unhindered forest fires makes animals "thrive,"

that American corporations' drilling for oil in "environmentally sensitive" areas is bad, but paying billions of dollars to moslem countries for their oil is better,

that the entire earth is an "environmentally sensitive" area, so no development, drilling, or building of any kind is justifiable ANYwhere,

that limiting the supply of fur-bearing animal pelts will make their costs go up, but limiting the sources of gasoline and other petroleum products will not make their costs go up,

that Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, George Washington Carver or Thomas Edison,

that any person or any country which has a higher standard of living than any other must have achieved it as a matter of luck, not freedom, opportunity, foresight and work -- and must feel guilty about it -- but if they're not, they must be forced to "pay" for their good fortune in a manner which we (who feel guilty for them anyway) will decide is best,

that there is only one moral code, and it is the pure altruism of the "self-sacrifice: first-foremost-only-and-always" kind,

that the only people who should decide which sacrifices anyone must make are the ones in government and/or their sycophants in academe or the media,

that the correct view of the state is one that sees citizens as children who need nurturing, and bureaucrats and politicians as the only adults who can do the nurturing,

that private citizens should not be allowed to choose their doctors, their childrens' schools, where they live, what foods they eat, where and if they smoke, and when they speak or write: which "politically correct" words they may use and which "incorrect" ones they may not -- without your help,

that there is no such thing as a "sovereign citizen." In fact, there is no such thing as "inalienable rights," only permissions from government,

that everything not forbidden should be mandatory, and everything not mandatory should be forbidden,

that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid,

that Robin Hood should be remembered for "robbing the rich to give to the poor" (because that was "good"), even though it wasn't his motive, and not for "taking back from the taxors and giving back to the taxees" (because that's always bad), even though it was,

that recessions and depressions are caused by businessmen, and not by politicians and bureaucrats,

that it would be vastly preferably to risk destroying the economy of the United States even in wartime than to allow drilling in areas which might risk the well-being of wildlife,

that FDR must be remembered for "ending the great depression," even though he didn't (in fact he made it worse), and for giving half the people "hope," even though he decimated the Constitution and gave the other half despair,

that the explosions in medical and prescription drug costs since 1965 have been caused by greedy doctors and drug companies and not by medicare, HMO subsidies and labyrinthine government regulations,

that you can acquire self-esteem without actually doing something to earn it or living up to a code of ethics,

that public schools must be given ever-more money and protection from competition, no matter how poorly they perform,

that intolerance may be horrible, but "zero tolerance" is wonderful,

that social changes must be made by classroom propaganda and coercion, not by persuasion, and certainly NOT by example,

that it is racist to be color-blind and that good policy is to be color conscious -- in fact to identify people ONLY as a member of a group,

that all cultures are precious, must be preserved at all costs, and must all be treated as equal, not because of their outcomes, but because we say so,

that the new ideal paradigm to be established is "multi-cultural diversity", which means making sure every organization has at least one black liberal, one militant-feminist liberal, one gay liberal, one Latino liberal, one transgender liberal, one Native American liberal, and so forth. The one kind of diversity NOT permitted is diversity of philosophy, politics, views or values (especially merit- or accomplishment-consciousness),

that, since hatred is horrible, it's okay to hate haters. And independent people. And SUV-owners. And gun owners. And business people. And the merit-conscious. And other individualists. And any other politically incorrect policy advocates. And whoever else it's chic to hate today. In fact the new definition of "hater" is "anyone who disagrees with us."

that if a private person or organization refuses to sponsor, finance, allow or provide a venue for, a speaker, movie maker or demonstration, then that's "censorship," and that's bad, but if a government or government-run enterprise does it, then that's quelling "hate speech,"and that's good,

that it's shocking -- and worthy of detailed, damning and deliciously horrifying exposés -- to find that free-market scholars are actually able to fund their work with voluntary donations from wealthy individuals -- while it's pleasing and virtuous to find that socialist scholars are able to fund their work with government money (extracted from their opponents -- and victims -- by coercive taxation),

that CHANGE is good -- but ONLY so long as it is change TO liberal values FROM other values,

that people who resist your vision of social change should be jailed,

that everyone who believes in free markets is a religious conservative (or if we know better, we pretend we don't -- since we don't want the general public to know about libertarians),

that everyone who believes in civil liberties is a big-government liberal (or if we know better, we still don't want the general public to know about libertarians),

that the ancient left-right political spectrum must be defended as the only yardstick for evaluating ideologies because (unlike the Nolan Chart, for example) the old left-right one conveniently implies that "the democratic ideal" is nothing more than a compromise between socialism and fascism, and so the ONLY question is "WHAT KIND of huge, powerful, all-pervasive government do you want?",

that black people can't succeed without your help, but those who do, or tell others they can, must be vilified as "Uncle Toms,"

that the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution,

that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists,

that more people are killed by guns than are saved by gun owners simply brandishing their weapons,

that even though there are 54,000,000 children under 16 in the U.S., and you can never achieve "zero" accidental deaths from drowning, choking, fires, falls, poisoning, motor vehicles and medical mistakes, you can somehow achieve zero from firearm accidents (perhaps because there are always so many fewer such accidents every year),

that it's possible to develop a system to identify and locate absolutely all random suicide bombers so they can be stopped before they strike, but it's impossible to develop a system to identify, locate and shoot down incoming missiles before they do,

that corporations are more dangerous than governments -- even when they haven't been sold a government-protected monopoly and can't make you buy from them, and even though the federal government is hundreds of times the size of the largest corporations and has guns, jails, IRS kangaroo courts, and can and does make you buy from it or deal with it,

that the quantity of natural resources in all of existence remains finite, and will always run out unless government controls its use and mandates horse-and-buggy "substitutes",

that the quantity of wealth in all of existence remains fixed, and always has from time immemorial, so only people in government should decide how it's allocated,

that any attempt to tax successful entrepreneurs at less than 100% of their incomes must be met with horrified screams of "giveaway! giveaway!! giveaway!!!"

that businessmen are parasites, but politicians and bureaucrats are not,

that people who work in the private sector are evil, but people who work in government are saints,

that a contract can mean anything any time anybody wants it to, especially if it's named "The Constitution of the United States",

that private citizens are too stupid to make their own decisions about anything, but people in government are too smart not to give them dictatorial powers over everything,

that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because "the right people" haven't been in charge,

that the only answer to the millions of problems caused by government -- is always ... ("ta-da!") more government (of course!),

that the only choices Americans are given by the Republicans and Democrats include having to choose between legal abortions and "overkill" security from international terrorists (ignoring the fact that Libertarians support BOTH Constitutional security measures and states' rights to legalize or outlaw abortions),

that contributions to the Democratic Party by the Chinese Communists are in the best interests of the United States,

that both "hard" and "soft"-money contributions to the campaigns of politicans by Americans are not in the best interests of the United States because they are always initiated by the donors as bribes and never by the politicians as a "protection racket,"

that people who get upset about the misuse of the FBI, the military, the BATF and the IRS belong in jail, but that the misusers, liars and Constitution-violators belong in the White House,

that William J. Clinton, as a wonderful president, should not be remembered for any misdeeds at all, but if he is, it should be only for the sexual ones, and not for any of those other things,*

that Hillary Clinton is normal and really a very nice person,

that it would better to see civilization destroyed than to see your cherished beliefs in cultural equivalency and moral ambivalence dismissed,

that you must be a knee-jerk "pass a law!" big-government control-freak in order to get any poor people or any "good" people -- especially the professionally unselfish "saintly" people -- to even like you, let alone to love you,

and last, but definitely not least -- that good intentions are all that are needed to pave the way to utopia, especially if all your friends have the same good intentions.

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Reply Fri 10 Oct, 2008 08:51 am
I think we'd trust your judgement were your "how to" tutorial something like: "how to lose your ******* mind on an internet forum," or "how to stock your basement with ammo and canned goods on the eve of a Martian invasion."

2 Cents
Reply Fri 10 Oct, 2008 08:56 am
I think Ceej is on the cusp of a major nreakdown. Lets help him so he can see whether some charity will help him.

Ive got canned fruit smarter than Ceej. Hes a moron, but he is fun to read. Sort of like listening to the babblings of some squeegie-man.
Reply Fri 10 Oct, 2008 09:00 am
Funk you funkman.

Seems the whole world wants Oboy - they should be happy to have the messiah coming - so why are they selling everything? Hmmmmm.

Liberals = lying stooges.
Reply Fri 10 Oct, 2008 09:55 am
Don't you realize it FM? Liberals own everything otherwise they couldn't be selling everything. Conservatives have nothing not even their minds.
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Reply Fri 10 Oct, 2008 10:00 am
Ha! Funny list! I laughed at quite a few of them as they are so spot on.
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Reply Fri 10 Oct, 2008 10:18 am
you must admit McG that one of the defining points re: being a Conservative is a deluded sense of what they think others believe, and they are usually all wet.
There is more variability among DEms than GOPs, thats why you can speak of a "base". Dems dont really have a base, just bounds.
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Reply Fri 10 Oct, 2008 05:43 pm
Because one good inanity deserves another...


1. You have to believe that teenagers shouldn't learn about safe sex because ignorance is the best way to prevent pregnancy, and besides,only those homos get AIDS and you thank God for that.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to lead all kids in prayer regardless of their faith as long as it's your faith.

3. You have to believe it is intelligent to buy a gun to protect your family and home despite the fact that you are 40 times more likely to kill your own family member than an intruder.

4. You have to believe that it's OK to have an affair as long as you divorce your spouse after you've been caught and marry the mistress. (Dole, Reagan, Gingrich, Barr, etc.)

5. You have to believe that your SUV should be exempt from emission standards even though it spews out 4 times the pollution of any car, because you enjoy sitting high above the congested traffic.

6. You have to believe abortion is always wrong because all lives are precious and you'll kill any doctor who performs one.

7. You have to believe that the minimum wage should be outlawed because thanks to the extreme generosity of corporations you are overpaid.

8. You have to believe that your children will have a well-rounded education by banning books in the public schools and libraries.

9. You have to believe that in case the government goes bad, you'll need your handgun to successfully fight off an organized army that has tanks, aircraft, battleships, missiles, satellites, and 2 million well-trained soldiers.

10 You have to believe that the NRA is good because it supports a self-serving portion of the Constitution, but the ACLU is bad because it supports all portions of the Constitution, even the right for your fellow Klansmen to have a parade in a Jewish neighborhood.

11. You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multinational corporations should make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.

12. You have to believe that diversity on your presidential ticket means two Texas millionaire oilmen from different corporations.

13. You have to believe the Hate Crimes Bill is bad because it gives "special protection" to a group of people, but think that laws that prohibit citizens from suing Tobacco Corporations, Gun-makers and HMOs are not special protection.

14. You have to believe that freedom of speech is cherished as long as you like what is being said.

15. You have to believe that over the past 20 years, no Presidential primary is complete without the name Dole and/or Bush on it.

16. You have to believe that trickle-down economics works because the rich surely won't keep all that money to themselves. Look how well it worked during the Reagan-Bush years.

17. You have to believe Clinton is bad because he lied about a private sexual indiscretion under oath, but Ronald "I don't remember" Reagan and George "I wasn't there" Bush are heroes because they lied under oath about illegally selling arms to Iranian militants and giving the cash to drug-smuggling Nicaraguan Contras.

18. You have to believe that its OK for government to sanction religion just as long as it's your religion.

19. You have to believe the homosexual agenda is to get a purple Tele-Tubby to turn our children gay.

20. You have to believe that hunters need assault weapons to assist in natural selection, because they shoot only the starving and sick animals and will not shoot that magnificent 12-point stag.

21. You have to believe that Reagan's tripling the deficit was good for the economy.

22. You have to believe that the best leaders to espouse family values are those with one or more failed marriages (Dole, Reagan, Gingrich, Barr, Limbaugh, etc.)

23. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an "illness" and needs our prayers for "recovery."

24. You have to believe that the members of your national convention represent a good cross-sectional and diverse group of Americans.

25. You have to believe that a national sales tax is better than income tax because everyone uses the same proportion of their income to buy food, clothing, and housing, but really, the only good tax is one which only the poor pay.

26. You have to believe Jesus was a Conservative and shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton. You also ask yourself "What would Jesus Do?" and completely ignore the fact that he stayed out of politics, never tried to get a law passed, never tried to obtain wealth, nor spoke of divisive drivel.

27. You believe that charitable organizations should take care of the poor and then give nothing to charity (i.e. Dick Cheney).

28. You believe that a rape victim should be forced to raise her attacker's offspring and then fight her attempts to get welfare when she tries to do so.

29. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher (Dubya doesn't count, because he's not a minority. He just became President with the minority).

30. You have to believe that a great way to lower air pollution is to get others to ride mass transit; that way you can get to work in your SUV much faster.

31. You have to believe the talk of Randy Weaver and David Koresh are more important than actions of Franklin Roosevelt and Martin Luther King, and what happened at Ruby Ridge is more important than what happened at Selma, Alabama.

32. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton was crazy for talking to spirits in the White House, but Nancy Reagan is OK for consulting astrologers to help her decide U.S. policies while Ronnie was in the hospital.

33. You have to believe everything that is said by right-wing wackos on talk radio.

34) You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him with chemical weapons to fight Iran, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him for Halliburton, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

35) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the extinction of several species of plants and animals therein. Besides, it will prevent forest fires.

36) You have to believe that Aid to Mothers with Dependent children is wasteful, but giving tax breaks to companies moving American jobs overseas is just what government is for.

37) You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is good.

38) You have to believe that the public has a right to know what the government is doing but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.

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