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dating a widow

 
 
Reply Fri 19 Sep, 2008 01:43 pm
realitionship is getting serious..she still wears the ring they had on the other hand. still has pics up. and still hasnt put up alot of his stuff. she keeps finding his clotes and articles in her room. he's been gone for well over 2 years..i feel uncomfortable to the point where i may take a break..am i wrong
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Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 1,947 • Replies: 3
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Foxfyre
 
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Reply Fri 19 Sep, 2008 02:51 pm
@miketallica,
The lady apparently has not yet completed all the grief process--two years isn't really a long time--and the chances that you'll be in second place behind the memory of the dear departed for some time are pretty good. If you enjoy the lady's company and she yours, and you can accept being second fiddle for awhile, there is no reason to stop seeing her. But if you're ready for a serious relationship, this does not look promising to me at this time. My rule of thumb is that when you gut is running red flags up the pole, listen to it.
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Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Fri 19 Sep, 2008 04:53 pm
@miketallica,
I've been through something similar to this and it's not a pleasant feeling. You've got my sympathy.

I see that you feel the relationship is serious but when she still wears that ring, she's clearly sending out the wrong message - giving you feelings that she's ambivalent - a recipe for potential heatache for you.

Perhaps you could have a heart-to-heart chat with her and explain in non-accusatory or non-judgemental terms that you want to this relationship to progress and prosper but with her wearing that ring and keeping c0nstant reminders ever-present, it's putting you off and cramping your style.

Of course, she has to know that you're not trying to replace him, but your relationship needs some space to grow without those constant reminders in your faces. Perhaps she can have a room in her home with some keepsakes, but memories all over the place is a turn-off for you.

This could be that it's just an awareness issue, but maybe not. Has she gone through any counseling or therapy? There are probably some great grief-therapy groups she could attend (or did?)

Regardless of all that, many widows remove clothes from their clothes closet fairly quickly..like within a month or two. She perhaps hasn't made the kind of progress with her grief as would warrant for a intimate relationship. We all grieve at different rates, but to me it sounds as though it's not working out for you, at least. Maybe, it something that could change with time...or maybe this isn't her time for an intimate relationship right now.

Here's my personal experience:
My fairly recently experience with this dating of a widow was somewhat parallel and reasonably similar. I dated a widow (hubby passed 3 yrs prior) for 11 months. She'd gone though some long term grief therapy (his was a suicide) and was still in a grief counseling group.

After seeing her for more than 3 months, I had that heart-to-heart discussion about presence of photos, etc. She removed the hanging ones from her bedroom. This helped a lot as we were an intimate couple. However, she had some still in the living room/TV room of her and her late hubby, which did not come down. I wasn't happy about that but it wasn't a show-stopper.

Ultimately, there was no way for us to progress as her loss was part of her every-day life in a way that just didn't work. My goal was not to just have someone to see date-wise, but to have a partner. After almost one year this wasn't the sort of relationship I felt that I could settle down with. Maybe your goals and situation is different, though.

The bottom line is have a heart-to-heart with her and tell her your concerns about the relationship's future and see where she is at with this. She may surprise you and maybe she just needs to know how those reminders affect you. Maybe it is something she can modify or change! People do grow and soemtimes need a gentle push.
justaguy205
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 May, 2014 06:12 pm
@Ragman,
Ive been in a relationship for 20 months with a widow. She still wears her ring and wears his around her neck on a chain with a cross. He passed about 18 months before we started dating.
At first it took some time to get used to this and after about 8 or 9 months it was starting to make me feel uneasy and had a heart to heart talk with her since we were both really getting serious and making plans with the future.
After about 2 months the rings came back on, she said she needed them. Having feelings for her I didn't say much about it. But, I can tell you it had made me feel less confident about our relationship. She has noticed this, but I really don't believe it is my part to ask her to remove the rings.
I feel bad, I've decided not to feel this way anymore, it's very uncomfortable. I couldn't spend the full night with her for some reason. It's very confusing because we have stopped seeing each other. I know she needs to work on her grief and I would be here for her after that day. I know this could take a few years, I'm not sure what will happen, it is really hard for me to not see her. I am in love with her but I felt I had no other choice. I felt as if I was always second and it was very uncomfortable to me, I didn't want to spend my life feeling that.
I'm glad I came across your thread it has helped to ease the pain of not being with her. It's nice to know that I am not the only one to have made this choice. I miss her.
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