I was so tired. Nothing at school worked today, it’s like I was an electrical isolator – the printer, the telephones, the photocopier, the shredder went backwards – nothing was working properly, it was infuriating to the point of comical, the keyboard kept defaulting to numbers lock, Fn press the F number, can’t remember which one, 11 I think. Little boy whose a runner ran straight out the front door which should never be open, he didn’t go far but then a little girl trapped her fingers in the toilet doors, she’s only 4, the netball and football teams turned up for the tournament so I had to stay longer as no-one was at the front…
I had to sleep when I came home, so tired….
<cold, couldn’t get warm under the doona>
Drifted… seemingly endlessly
What was that film with the ice and the water and being dragged under, not The Sixth Sense, no, not The Fifth Sense or Element; The Dead Zone, that’s the one
K-bro arrived with Loops and Tulip came in with the kids after him – it was a hot day, rocks that lit up, there was a beach and the sunset, we were at the sunset, I had a camera but I wasn’t shooting, Tulip had gone and Kev was dancing his silly dance as my brother appeared in the doorway – he brought a cake, on a cake stand – he would never do that. I thanked him and asked him why he was here, it was for “the day”… what day, what day, did I miss a day, what day would you bring a cake for
Where was I when they cut the cake, I think I slept through it whilst everyone ate cake, it was coffee cake - I don't eat coffee cake, it's like the Revels Kev brought to the rugby on Saturday
I had gone to bed
There was a present from Beth, on my pillow I don’t know where it came from, a small round pillow circle just a few inches big, soft, I’d seen it before, I was sure S had put it there, he had made me one once which said "MUM" which is in the mouldy car compartment that had milk spilt in it once, but iin the dream he said he hadn’t on my bed where there was a spider thismorning, he looked all wide-eyed and promised forever he hadn’t put it there when I asked him – everything is so familiar, but so far away - words in black text “For You”
I got in the car, we were going so fast, too fast to stop, I had to swerve in quick and could see the kids faces smiling at me in the back seat of the car in front, my car stopped dead like it had crashed but it hadn’t, it stopped all of a sudden, it always does it in the same place on the road past Betty Cottles and going down the hill, why does it always stop there, it’s like I should have crashed there, but didn’t, not yet, it's happened in the same place so many times
I was at the doctors, I don't know why, he gave me a piece of dark blue paper and started filling it out, he kept turning it around and then drew some more, his hand was drawing a spiral four different times, but I was in the spiral, I could see the long grass changing and made a pattern - you had to go with the pattern. I was watching the light in the long grasses, the light was parting the grasses which were like palm leaves or rushes that Bear Grylls would use to make a hammock on the deserted island with sharks
I was following the pattern and was up high because when the doorbell rang, I ran but I ran so fast that my shoe came off, I had to hop down the steps, through a scullery and there was Tulip looking through the French doors in the lounge smiling – the children were only about 6 years old. She Tulip had chocolates, Thorntons in a gold box. Why were the children so young… She thanked me for a wonderful family day with K-bro.
I didn’t know why we were all together. There had to be a reason. I was missing something. I am missing something.
I semi-awoke, half in, half out of it, had the covers pulled up tight, someone kissed me below my ear, I thought it was Kev at first saying goodbye, but it wasn’t. Soft at first, I remained asleep and then longer staying connected, just kissed me longer on my cheek below my ear, it could have been “it will be alright,” or was it “hello” or “I’m here”, or “goodbye”
Heart was beating bang bang bang when I woke at dusk, scared, don’t know, the water hadn’t taken me in the fish pond, I broke through but it was so cold, so cold, it tried to drag me under but I broke through – the doctor was familiar, I knew him but I don’t know where from; lay there for a while trying to figure what was real, had something happened, had I woken out of 8 years sleep. Opened eyes, it continued, Charlie was wearing a beaded tunic, no it should have been a long dress like the one from the moors in the sun, it has to be a long dress, not a tunic and cropped faded jeans - how did we buy the same jeans again when we weren’t together, lay there for a few minutes longer , then I found myself downstairs, and typing to remember
Remembering, remembering, it’s fading fast, the unease is still there, or is it, could be acceptance…it’ll be gone as soon as I speak or do something, it’s almost gone now, the spell will be broken
I haven’t turned the light on yet, the house is dark, I can hear Scooby snoring on his mat
Writing to remember something I don’t know, something that hasn’t happened but when it does, I’ll know I knew it already.
The tea beside me is cold. Was it from when I came in or when I came downstairs. If I taste something the dream will end.
Time to turn on the light and put the kettle on.
Phone is ringing. Mustn’t answer it yet, it will stop now, it's broken but somethings still there.
REM sleep - man, that's weird