"Black Tie Requested"

@chai2,

oh....I know it's a little late, but heres my 2 cents on the matter....

I too think weddings have gotten out of hand, what everyone here said.

however......

If the bride preferred that the men where black tie, I think they need to just suck it up and do it. Same if the female guests were asked to wear floor length.

Without thinking that's pandering to the wedding industry, or giving in to some spoiled bridezilla, I'd just do it.

Why? Because the bride might be a bridezilla, or she might be a really lovely lady (some lovely ladies can turn into bridezillas for a few months, then go back to normal). She is however going to be stressing. If a little thing like renting a tux or buying a gown is going to keep her from peeping out at her guests before the wedding and thinking "oh no, so and so isn't wearing black tie, I'm so disappointed", then so be it. I don't need to be a stressor to anyone on that day.

In the big cosmic wheel of life, this is one of any number of weddings you'll go to in your life, but to the couple, it's (hopefully) a one time deal.

Especially if someone was dopey enough to put on a t-shirt tux, or one from the 70's or some such thing. To that person it might be a laugh, to the couple, you might be a bad memory that will last for years. Being catty and writing a note saying you're deducting the cost of the rental/dress would cause me never to look at you the same way again.

Ya gotta choose which hills to die on, and this wouldn't be one of them.

3 Replies

@chai2,

sorry....back again....

I just remembered something from my younger sisters wedding.

Ok, my sis is the gentlest of souls, really (she's nothing like me).
Very giving, very considerate.

She wasn't a bridezilla, and realized nothing is ever perfect.

She had a medium size wedding, at a really posh place.

Anyway, at some point, like at any wedding, a conga line started, with her in the lead.
There was a woman at the reception, the date of the guest, who was really flashy, had been out on the dance floor all night, and was like something from dancing with the stars (well, not that good). Anyway, suddenly there were 2 conga lines, with this babe leading that line.

OMG! There're Conga Line Fighting!!!!

My sister stopped for a minute, and everyone joined miss thangs line. She came over, really upset, and actually had tears in her eyes. She said to me "I'M the bride. I'M supposed to lead the conga line!" Seems that since she was a little kid, she always associated a conga line with weddings and being a bride leading the way. She quickly got over it, but it was a bummer

Who would have known?

A few years later, the subject of her wedding came up, and she still remembered that someone stole her conga line. I'm sure ms conga never thought about it.

anyway, one never knows.

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@ehBeth,

Ooh, I forgot about this thread. Cool to see the picture, George! Looking handsome - and Clive's got an adorable grin!

ehBeth wrote:

You're going to be getting a decent amount of use out of it as your kids go to uni and more formal award ceremonies and their friends get married and they get married and there are destination weddings and and and ... [..]

your kids are just getting into prime time territory - the next 15 years will be expensive

Just wanted to add that, wow, maybe in some circles - but unless America's really seriously different in this respect, your standards / experience seems pretty, um, I dunno - class/culture-specific.

I went to uni, my friends all did too, people've started marrying ... and I've never seen a single tuxedo around. Ever.

Yeah - once - the directors of the international documentary festival I was volunteering at, who were all women, decided it'd be fun to have guys in tuxes instead of girls in dresses delivering the congratulatory flowers to the award winners. They paid, I didnt care, so off on stage I went with a couple of colleagues. Laughing

But yeah - I mean, I know that kind of thing is big in the fraternity / sorority crowd ... they had galas and everything. And, you know, the upper class and the celebrity crowd. But it's not standard or even all that common, at least not where I'm from (and apparently not where George is from either) ... thank goodness.

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@nimh,

I still have mixed feelings on this. My first stomach clench is that someone would decree what I wear as a guest and if I don't obey I don't get to go.
I'm a tad rebellious - I haven't always bought from some registry list either. But some of people's favorite gifts have been from me and that not just polite talk.

Next, I can see wanting a certain ambiance at a wedding, especially if I am going all out on it financially - admittedly a strange thing to me, but I can envision being someone else for a bit - thus the simple concept of the courtesy of fulfilling the request.
So, my reactions clash.

Well, I'm old and grey now. Or getting there. If I was told to show up in a floor length gown, I'd probably wear a caftan. Maybe a caftan with sparkles.

1 Reply

@nimh,

nimh wrote:

But yeah - I mean, I know that kind of thing is big in the fraternity / sorority crowd ... they had galas and everything. And, you know, the upper class and the celebrity crowd. But it's not standard or even all that common, at least not where I'm from (and apparently not where George is from either) ... thank goodness.

the invites to what I consider fancy-dancy weddings tend to come from people who I don't think can really afford them. It's almost a reverse classism thing here. Lower-middle class/middle-class - those are the all-out, tuxes and spangles weddings. Fraternities/sororities I wouldn't know about, they're illegal here. Celebrities, again, something I don't know about personally.

People put buying houses on hold for these weddings. Not my gig, but I've had my share of invites to them. Ooh, and the 'ethnic' weddings here. Big and expensive. 400 - 800 guests, sometimes 2 or 3 ceremonies over a week. Big $$$ weddings, not big $$$ families.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

I am from a sorority and none of my sisters' weddings were black tie. I realize I am not the looking at the biggest sample out there but, really, the frat/sor crowd is certainly no monolith.

We didn't request black tie or anything like that but if someone had been wearing jeans and sneakers I would've been wondering why the hell they couldn't've bothered to dress themselves for once.

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@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

so, how many men where wearing tuxes?

As it turned out, about half the men wore tuxes. Many of the tuxes were worn
with black four-in-hand ties, so we pretty much blended in. Funny thing, the
men in the wedding party wore tuxes, but not black ties. They each had a matching vest and four-in-hand tie. Each was a different pastel color.

Another funny thing: the Lovely Bride pointed out that there were more men
wearing tuxes than women wearing full-length gowns.

1 Reply

@George,

Gorgeous, George.

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@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

If the bride preferred that the men where black tie, I think they need to just suck it up and do it. Same if the female guests were asked to wear floor length.

Without thinking that's pandering to the wedding industry, or giving in to some spoiled bridezilla, I'd just do it.

Why? Because the bride might be a bridezilla, or she might be a really lovely lady (some lovely ladies can turn into bridezillas for a few months, then go back to normal). She is however going to be stressing. If a little thing like renting a tux or buying a gown is going to keep her from peeping out at her guests before the wedding and thinking "oh no, so and so isn't wearing black tie, I'm so disappointed", then so be it. I don't need to be a stressor to anyone on that day.

In the big cosmic wheel of life, this is one of any number of weddings you'll go to in your life, but to the couple, it's (hopefully) a one time deal.

I see your point, chai2, but I still can't help feeling a little annoyed.

Anyway, water under bridge. The bride and groom looked like they were
having a great time. The hotel was gorgeous with a huge ballroom. They had
a good band (8 pieces and a vocalist), an open bar (actually three bars) before
the meal and a filet mignon and shrimp main course. I've been in smaller
crowds at baseball games.

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@ossobuco,

I think if I wanted that sort of look at my wedding, I would put on the invitation - black tie preferred or suggested. It just seems like - do you prefer some one to attend your wedding or some type of look to attend your wedding.

Along the line of the registery - I look at the registery as if suggested purchases (in case you have no idea what to buy the bride and groom). And on being a rebel - I once received an invitation to a bridal shower that (believe it or not) said green back only. I purposedly purchased a gift rather than give money. No one tells me what sort of gift to give. And as a result I gave a gift at the wedding too - I usually give money for a wedding gift, but because I was told to give money before, I refused.

2 Replies

@Linkat,

Yes, I like the word "preferred" too.

Interesting, in that it sounds like more than half the folks "disobeyed". Picturing all those people considering whether to get a tux or full length gown or just not go or go to the wedding anyway..
but, glad it worked out to be swell and fun for everybody.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

And I wonder how many would have worn the black tie if it was wording as preferred rather than a command.

1 Reply

@Linkat,

those huge overdone weddings are so odd to me. what's it got to do with the relationship of the two? very very very little.

(then again, marriage itself is an institution i find inessential, so the whole thing couldn't possibly be further away from my world...)

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@chai2,

about 15 years ago i thought it might be time to buy a tux .
went to a 2nd hand shop and got a great (double-breasted) tux for $100 !
it tuned out that it had never been worn - the pantlegs still needed hemming - added a couple of regular white shirt (which i found out is quite o.k. - and so are ties !) . i wear regular black shoes with the tux - seems to be in style SINCE I'M THE TRENDSETTER <GRIN> .
hbg

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@Linkat,

Linkat wrote:

...

Along the line of the registery - I look at the registery as if suggested purchases (in case you have no idea what to buy the bride and groom). And on being a rebel - I once received an invitation to a bridal shower that (believe it or not) said green back only. I purposedly purchased a gift rather than give money. No one tells me what sort of gift to give. And as a result I gave a gift at the wedding too - I usually give money for a wedding gift, but because I was told to give money before, I refused.

For us, the registry was stuff we really needed. People ignored it a lot (and we were careful to go with a chain with stores pretty much everywhere, and a range of prices) so we ended up with towels up the wazoo, way more Champagne flutes than people have ever come to our home -- and we were in NY and planning to move, so they were a PITA to pack up -- and three sandwich makers, none of which we wanted. I spent the first week or so of married life either exchanging stuff or trying to dream up places to regift it.

As for the stuff that we got that was off the registry, there were a few pieces we liked, but not many. It seemed that no one had a clue about our tastes, despite the enormous registry hint we had dropped.

What do we still use?

From the registry: * Our dishes -- which no one got us
* glasses, again no one got them for us
* towels we wanted, these were bought for us

Not from the registry: * silverware bought by my aunt
* corningware we already owned, plus some from a cousin
* two pitchers

I think that's it, but we've been married for 16 years so things break or get worn out or I've forgotten their origins. Of course we use more things than those but those are the ones I recall from that vintage.

1 Reply

@jespah,

My favorite gift story (actually I have two) -

1) unwrapped a gift and noticed that the box's paper was a bit torn (and not where any tape was), inside was an o-k glass vase (of course not from the registry); also inside was another card (there was one on the outside of the box) - it read congratulations Joe and Sue - funny we are not Joe and Sue, but Joe and Sue gave us the gift! (also we just went to their wedding about a month before and gave them two nice place settings from their registry)

2) open a card with a check (from my aunt); deposit said check; check returned to me with angry red stating do not try to redeposit - that "gift" cost us $5 in bank fees!

2 Replies

@Linkat,

Why'd auntie take back her gift?

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@Linkat,

Um, I usually do the non registry thing only when I'm sure of the people's taste. I've a good piece of ceramic art to a friend who still has it in her living room, despite that first husband being long gone and the next one married to her for a decade or more. I've given pricey cookbooks to mad cooks, knowing they liked the author/cuisine and liked cookbooks. They used them. I gave one couple one of my paintings, which they like and which at one time marketed for serious money, or semiserious money - that's risky but I was money-low at the time. Luckily it worked out. I (crazy broad) have given a couple a set of two very expensive forged knives, one of a kind sort of items. They said it was the best gift they got and they are wealthy with moneyed friends, go to some of the world's best restaurants on their travels. Obviously I knew they wouldn't be appalled... in fact the wife had admired the knives when she was visiting and we had been in that specialty store.

On the other hand, I've done my share of getting items registered at Crate and Barrel, Restoration Hardware, and back in the day when they were more popular, the local better department stores.

My own wedding - was spare. We did get a few gifts, two Dansk enamelled cast iron pots (I figure the two gift givers came to the same conclusion that we'd like them, and we did.) Still have them. My cousin gave me a food processor. The rest is a memory blank - probably some glasses.

I'm older - that could be a difference. Most of the weddings I've gone to in the last couple of decades have been household established people, sometimes very established; only a couple of people were sons of/daughters of pals, and then I am much more apt to do the registry thing.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

Its great getting more personal stuff for your wedding (at least in my opinion) buy only if you do know the individual's taste - either way the re-gift gift was a bit tacky. And it wasn't because they knew our taste as it was a nice, but non-descript vase.

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