Going through a divorce...custody battle

You don't say how old your son is. That is important.

You must do what is right for the child. Ask for court mediation right now.

The mediator will help you two come up with a plan for where the boy actually lives, and visitation for the other parent.

I don't get what he means by he wants custody but the boy will live with you. Joint custody is the norm, now, but where the child lives and goes to school is a whole 'nuther thing.

If he is in school now, staying there and in the family home would help. Is the home being sold, or is he staying there.

You say you are moving out of town. The court will look for stability for where the child lives. Get yourself settled ASAP and be able to show that you are the better parent to have the child living with you.

It used to be that the woman got the child - automaticually. Now it is different. You could end up having him on weekends, only.

Again, the court will look for the situation where the child is least disrupted.

Good luck - I know these custoday battles can be gruesome. My daughter went thru hell with her battle to have living custody.

Her ex. has them every Thurs. night and e/o weekend. Those kids have two separate bedrooms and lives. It was chaotic at first, but at 10 and 13, they are used to it now.

Grandma doesn't like it . . .

Re: Going through a divorce...custody battle


Yes.

No one fights for custody in a nasty divorce in order to just (unofficially, according to the court) hand over de facto custody to the other party. Even if he wants to do that, even if he believes it's a good idea, etc., it will not happen or at least if it does happen it will not last. And then he will have the court order over your head.

You might want to talk to a poster named Montana about what happens when you go along to get along in a custody matter, about how your kids inevitably would not get enough $$ in support, about how the battle would not really be hashed out, etc.

I understand your reluctance to go to the mattresses as the guy is nasty and you want to protect your children. You may feel spent from the ill treatment. Plus of course there's the financial aspect of fighting a custody war.

But it is possible to get less expensive legal help (go to your local bar association or legal services organization and ask!) and it is possible to steel yourself for the battle. From what you have said -- and there is his side to this story, too, which we have not heard -- it appears that you would be around more for the children. Courts do not want to hand over custody just so that a child can be brought up by a nanny if they can at all help that.

So keep your head together, get a lawyer and, as they say, gird your loins. I predict that the nastiness has barely begun and, while I recognize that that's the Voice of Doom in me talking, it's also meant to alert you to keeping a clear head about you. Compromises are fine so long as your children (and you) are not unduly harmed. The compromise he has offered is a doozy in terms of crapitude.

You and your children deserve better. It's just like negotiating for a salary or to buy a car. Reject the first offer. There is something better to come.

LoveBD,

I'm so sorry....I know that this is a rough time. How old is your son and how far are you moving in terms of time in a car?

My son is 7 years old. I have 2 older boys that live with me as well. We have lived in the same home his whole life. My soon to be ex is in nursing school full time. I am a personal trainer/fitness instructor. The gyms that have hired me all offer free child care while Im working and when Im not, we will be home. Our new home is quite a bit larger and in a really nice neighborhood. It is different and I know that but it is a step up in my mind. My ex is making my life so miserable with constant badgering and complaints. He was VERY verbally abusive during our marriage and he is just worse now. I love my boys more than anything. How a person could try to manipulate me and think that a fricken car would be worth the custody of my son is crazy! He is a control freak and yes, I do realize this is just my side, he has NEVER liked anything I do and thinks that everything I do is centered around me. It isnt. Everything I have done is centered around my boys. I have never missed a school function, party, practice, game and play dates. I was PTA president for 3 years in our town. I work SO hard to be involved with my boys. this ass didnt do crap for all these years and all of sudden hes super dad?? How does that work?? I gotta say, Im scared because as of right now, I do have a lawyer but I guess I have to pay more. Its just so sad cuz all this money we are spending on lawyers, could be spent on my boys. I could be buying my son a new mattress and instead, Im spending money so some rich lawyer can help me keep my son that I feel is already mine. I hate it. I would NEVER keep my son from his dad and family. They are welcome anytime, just wont give up custody, not without a fight. GRRRRR, Im so tired!

You keep saying MY SON, that confuses me a little.
It is HIS son, too, right?

Not knowing the situation, I am wondering, if you soon-to-be ex has just realized what he has missed out on in the last 7 years, and is now worried that he might not get a chance to make up for it.

Is there any chance that the two of you can talk to each other sensibly?
Why is he so keen on full custody?
Joint custody will already make sure that he keeps a vote in things concerning your son. And he does not seem to have a problem with him living with you.
So WHY?

At seven years old, I think the children's opinions are taken into consideration.
If your son had to make a choice, where do you think he would want to live?
You have two other sons, I cannot imagine, that any judge would rip apart the brothers unless they were concerned for their safety or well-being.

So my advice: Try not to panik!
If you have been the mother you are describing in your post, and he has been the father you are describing, then I see no way he is getting full custody for your son.

You're right, he is our son. I guess I just write that for how I am feeling right now. I am pretty consumed with emotion. I dont know what my son would say to be honest. My ex is saying things that freak him out about moving. I dont put my husband down in front of my son and would never. I dont say bad things about him seeing his grandparents. He constantly tells our son that their are going to be bullies at his new school and all his friends and family are going to miss him so much and they will cry if he moves. He is tearing him apart. I cant stand to watch it. It absolutely kills me. I just cant imagine why a person could stoop to such a level in regards to his own son. I guarantee you though, if you ask him, its all for the greater good. He wants full custody and doesnt mind him living with me so as he says "to have control over the situation and if I dont like how things are going, I have every right to pull him back." I told him he has the same right as with joint custody and he doesnt seem to understand. I guess maybe in court he might.

Do you have a Friend of the Court? You need to have a 3rd party determine where this child is going to live and go to school. Ask for mediation ASAP!!!!


Your ex's words to his son are verbal abuse and intimdation. (Scarey Dad!) Do everythng you can to reduce contact with him, if he talks like this to his son.

Ask for joint custody with living rights with you.
Dad can have visitation anytime he wants, but with the way he has spoken to your son, it will probably be supervised.

Tell him to stop terrorizing this child!!!

What does your lawyer say about all this?