Uncertain feelings on a complicated thing

everyone has hormones.

the friend zone is hard to get out of, im in a similar spot.

sometimes a girl doesnt want to have sex with her friends, or be in a relationship. usually they end up losing them. if she has fun with you your more valuable than the "other" guys.

my advice, is to keep her as a friend, wait for an oppurtunity, but dont base your relationship off of sex or an intimate relationship. just have fun.

just go out and find some different girl, keep it casual, you might end up with something good, maybe not. "she" might get jealous and realize she likes you. or she might not...

the heart wants what it wants, same with sexual organs. ive noticed guys can get alot more attached than girls. just keep your cool.

you might not get her, but who cares? plenty of fish in the sea, as well as sharks and whales. be careful.

You say things have "been looking very good". Did you mean that you and this girl were heading for a relationship of a sexual/romantic nature, (how did you know this?) or did you mean that you were establishing a really good friendship?

If you got in a relationship with her, how would you feel if she did what she did at the party with another guy? Maybe she is getting tired of the older guy. Maybe she was waiting for you to make a move, and got impatient?

One thing that does strike me is that you say you think it is wrong to trespass on pre-existing relationships. Well, now you know that she does not always feel that way, at least not after a few drinks have gone down the hatch. Maybe this knowledge puts you off. Maybe it doesn't. I can't tell.

It could be that this attitude about "pre-existing" relationships could be something that you might grow out of. What happened at the party could be part of that process. After all, everybody who is in a relationship (except their first) was in a one before, and they don't always finsih tidily one before the other.

Have you thought of saying to her, "I feel confused because I have strong feelings for you but I held off because of your relationship with (older man) but then I saw what happened at the party, so please tell me if we have a chance."?

What would you have done if she had asked you to go in another room? Would you have said yes? If so, then maybe you should try asking her. If definitely no, then maybe you should just stay friends.

I am curious about the older guy. If he left her to fool around with the other guy, maybe their relationship is not as strong as you thought?

It could be that you are one of those people who needs to have a strong relationship based on respect and trust before you can let yourself go sexually, whereas she has a more light-hearted attitude and can just put out at parties after a few drinks. Maybe it couldn't work because of that. Maybe you need to find out?

I must say that when I was 19, I felt like you do, then in my 20s and 30s I didn't so much, but now I do again.

This is a good idea. What the hell, you have nothing to lose at that point. But recognize that rebound relationships tend to not do well.

Another thing -- I realize it may seem icky but it must be thought of -- if she went off to another room to, er, visit with some other guy, she may do that more than you think. Plus it only takes once for someone to get HIV, herpes, chlamydia, etc. Not pleasant thoughts but reality, I'm afraid. Particularly if she was drunk during the encounter with the other guy, I doubt that safer sex practices were insisted upon by her. Heck, she coulda ended up pregnant from that one visit, you know.

Just sayin' -- have a clear head about this and know that there could be a whole boatload of consequences from that party that you really should not be getting yourself into.

every relationship after your first one is a rebound....

Ranging from STDs to a paternity suit...

d writes


IMO this is your most intelligent and important observation. The fact that it isn't 'looking good' is seriously significant. You are still plenty young to be window shopping more than seriously looking for a life partner, but evenso, do not risk your heart, reputation, and precious time on a losing proposition. If a person gives you reason to distrust their judgment, commitment, maturity, and/or moral center in more casual relationships, you are most wise to keep them at arm's length and keep looking for the person you can admire, trust, and safely give your heart to. She is surely out there. Trust your gut when it is telling you that somebody isn't it.

I sort of agree with Foxfyre.

Repressing your feelings is always a bad move. It might be that not acting on your feelings is the right move, but that is another matter. Always always always be honest with yourself about who you are and what you want.

Secondly, you have no clue what makes this girl tick, who she is. That is fine, you are young, and you have not been around her much.

Order of battle:
1) figure yourself out, who you are and what you want

2) if you think that you might want this girl then figure her out.

You will then know what your best shot is at getting her.

A few things are clear:

She's not "that" involved with the older guy.

She's willing to get involved with other guys when she is drinking.

You are an observer to all this.

Move away and move on.

She is not what you are looking for. You sound like you have more respect for her than she does for herself.

If she cheats on her "older guy" she would cheat on you.
You are light years ahead of her and deserve better.

Just a couple of notes :

She may be with the older guy because he offers her something she needs (like security, or leadership, or a father figure, or something else), but she may be somewhat bored with the sexual relationship with him, and perhaps other things as well (she may be struggling with self esteem around him, or some other).

If she did have problems, it isn't for you to solve them.

You are a 'nice' guy, or you would have made a move on her...being a 'bad boy' would mean that if you did enter a relationship with her, it very likely wouldn't have the same committment (due to the circumstances in which it came to be)....so it's a double edged sword. I would say the most important thing is to always be true to yourself.