Long Distance-Time to Meet or Not...

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I've spent a bit of time lurking waiting for someone to have my exact problem and I have finally decided that's not working for me as it'll never happen.

I wasn't looking for a relationship, love or even friendship when all this started. In a way I feel a little ambushed.

I like to play games, MMORPGs to be specific. While playing one night about a year and a half ago another player asked me if I'd like help leveling a skill. I said "sure" and off we went. It took a good month for us both to get to the levels we wanted and by that time we were pretty inseparable. At first we would just catch each other when we logged on, then we exchanged MSN nicks to alert the other it was time to come play, and lastly cell numbers for texting instead. Other players in this game began to see us as a couple since we were together so much. After about 6 months he told me that he love me. I had honestly been thinking it, but I refused to put myself out there like that first. So now I'm in this long distance relationship. And at times I feel like it's stagnating.

As of yet, we've not met face to face. I'm scared, he's scared but I don't know if our fears are real or just excuses.

We are both divorced. We both were married at 19. I was in an abusive marriage. My ex was a completely different person once I married him. I'm very scared of not "knowing" someone. His ex was controlling, much much older and someone that he'd also met online (in an irc chat room). He's said several times that he is worried we will turn out the same way and doesn't want to jump into anything too fast. I don't want to jump in too fast either, but at times i feel like I should be doing something more. I have mentioned meeting a couple times and he seems interested but acts like it's too soon at the same time.

I guess I'm just not sure what I should do. This long distance thing is basically new to me. I don't know if I should wait it out or pull some sort of now or never card out. I don't want to just throw away over a year of my life but I don't want to waste it either.

Thanks in advance for any advice Smile

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Meet for no more than 1/2 hour for a simple beverage, then wait a week before seeing him again.

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Hi Kallisti,

One of the problems with MMORPG's is that a person can be anything they want to be online. I'm guessing that you already know that.

One of the other issues is that a high percentage of those that spend long hours playing such games are usually looking for an escape from life. I'm guessing you already know that as well.

That said, meeting online is just another way of meeting.

When you meet online, you don't know what the person looks like (you may know that now), and you can never tell what their habits are (whether there's anything they do at home that would irritate you)...but this is the same as when you meet someone in any environment. Because you're not face to face it's much more difficult to tell how sincere someone is about everything they've told you. Those are just a few examples, but it basically means that it's a lot more difficult to tell what someone is like, and whether or not you would truly like each other 'IRL'.

That said, meeting online is just another way of meeting.

In other words, there's nothing wrong with meeting up with him to see what he's like, to see if there's anything there, to see if you want to explore things further...or just to see if you will be friends...or any other reason.

As a suggestion, go and meet him without any expectations, and see where it goes.

If you have some fears (because of the unknowns) re safety, make your meeting in a public place with lots of people around. If you have emotional concerns, take it slowly. If there's something there, and if he's the right person, he will respect you, your wishes, and your needs.

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Thank you both for responding.

As much as I would love to meet for coffee/tea then wait a week it's not quite that easy for me. I live in the Mid-West he's North East.

I think I should have been a little more clear, I've been pushing to meet up although not very forcefully. The times that I have said something I get a "that would be nice ...but" kind of response. We have talked about the "but" and I understand he doesn't want to do the same thing over. I'm not really trying to fall in love and get married with in a year though either. Which was the case with us both before. I would like to meet and see if sparks fly or not then take it from there.

I guess I wonder if I'm being too pushy, if I should put a time frame on things and if it's "normal" for a person to stall like this. At this point we've known each other well over a year.

I do have a trip coming up in November that would put me about 2 hours away from him but I haven't mentioned it yet. I'm holding off because I know it will eat at me if he doesn't jump at the chance to get together.

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If after a year and a half he says he is in love with you, but does not want to meet you (or keeps making excuses), my immediate suggestion would be:
Forget it!

Start going out and meeting REAL people.

Vicorr is right, meeting online is only another way of meeting,
and if things were going smoothly and you were heading somewhere after all this time, I would say: What have you got to lose, if you give him a chance?
But like this? Why make things hard for yourself if you don't really have to?

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Quote:

I do have a trip coming up in November that would put me about 2 hours away from him but I haven't mentioned it yet. I'm holding off because I know it will eat at me if he doesn't jump at the chance to get together.

I know that's a long ways away (time-wise), but that sounds perfect. You can each drive for an hour or so, meet halfway. It allows for the brief meeting.

But yeah, you need to prepare yourself for him not jumping at the chance. You're allowed to consider it a deal-breaker -- if it's that important to you, and it's not important to him, then go ahead and move on.

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Kallisti wrote:

As much as I would love to meet for coffee/tea then wait a week it's not quite that easy for me. I live in the Mid-West he's North East.

I understand but it's still the smart move, a fairly brief, casual meeting and then time to reflect.

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I agree; make the effort to "meet" in person. You apparently have this one common interest - see if it leads to anything else. I hope BOTH of you have other interests. See what develops. If you don't have anything else to talk about - get out of there.

P.S. How much time do you spend on the computer? Aren't there some local clubs that play this game where you could meet some people?

I am learly of middle-age people meeting and having "in game" romances.

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In 1993, when the internet was new, I set up an AOL screen name by the name of AsiaGirl11. I made a profile for "her" that was pretty ordinary except I put in the word "bi-curious". Suddenly women from all over Boston were sending me their nude pictures even though I never responded to those emails! I was invited to "bi girl parties", had sick men sending me perverted emails and generally learned a lesson in psychology -- don't believe everything you read online!

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sozobe wrote:

I know that's a long ways away (time-wise), but that sounds perfect. .... But yeah, you need to prepare yourself for him not jumping at the chance. You're allowed to consider it a deal-breaker -- if it's that important to you, and it's not important to him, then go ahead and move on.

Heh.. He's agreeable, even sounded pretty excited... I'm trying to not get too happy Razz

Chumly wrote:

I understand but it's still the smart move, a fairly brief, casual meeting and then time to reflect.

Thank you for this really, I try to over do everything (even thinking) and really this is the very best thing. And since it will be in the middle of a busy trip maybe that will help too.. Less to expect? I don't know...I'm thinking again.

sullyfish6 wrote:

P.S. How much time do you spend on the computer? Aren't there some local clubs that play this game where you could meet some people?

I am learly of middle-age people meeting and having "in game" romances.

I spend several hours a day online... After classes and work. There are no places to go play this particular game as it's kind of unknown. Nothing huge like WoW which I don't like.

And really, I didn't mean to be in this relationship it just happened. (personally I'm leery of anyone I meet anymore)

Bohne wrote:

If after a year and a half he says he is in love with you, but does not want to meet you (or keeps making excuses), my immediate suggestion would be:
Forget it!

Start going out and meeting REAL people.

Perhaps the fact I have already made plans for this trip and it can't be a meeting much longer than what Chumly suggested helps get this guy out to meet me? I don't know... I do know I'm feeling a little more relaxed knowing it's not going to be a weekend thing or a whole day even. As that's what had been chatted about before. It's also helpful that this is a side thing (totally not what this trip is for) so if 30 minutes of it totally stinks, all isn't lost. Very Happy

As far as meeting "real" people goes... I don't do the bar scene, there aren't any social type clubs to speak of, no where to go and nothing to do.. I don't live in the best place at the moment, it's kind of a dieing town.

@NickFun... That's just wrong... But mildly funny too in a way. I don't believe everything I read, just some of it Smile

Thanks to all for the advices and food for thought, it was all very helpful!

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Long Distance-Time to Meet or Not...

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