Feeling lost

leave
You need to leave him. I know it is EASIER said then done! I know this, i have had experience with immediate and extended family with similar experiences.. But you have to sit down and ask yourself one thing.. Are you Happy? Do you lay your head to rest each night with a grin and can't wait to greet a new day?. Do you laugh often and embrace life?. Are you healthy, talkative and pleasant? What's the point of life if your just unhappy/worried or not trusting the person your with... It might be tough, but it's your life, and you don't want to be 85 years old and realize these things. As i said, it is easier said then done.. but it can be done and thousands (at least) of women are examples of that. I wish you luck!

You're probably going to hate this suggestion, but I think you should get counseling. Why? Because, for one thing, you're taking "punishment" from someone who is a peer, not a parent. You are tolerating a breach of trust but it's eating you up inside -- and probably giving you massive stress issues, some of which you may not be seeing. You've also got self-esteem that is so lowered you're willing to go anywhere, work anywhere, and take any kind of crap, in order to keep the marriage together and somehow fix it all.

You cannot fix it all by yourself. It may not even be fixable. But you need to have a perspective other than your own in this. With your friends absent, a counselor is a good choice. Even if your friends were around, you'd still do well with an objective professional. I am talking about counseling here, not drug therapy. I am not suggesting that you are ill. I am merely suggesting that you speak with someone.

And another thing. You have a child (whose gender you did not mention, but it doesn't really matter). What is happening is that your child is growing up thinking that this is a perfectly lovely way for men to treat women. It's not. It's crap and it sucks and you don't have to take it.

I agree - off to counseling you go . . . . even if he won't, you need to find someone to help you look at this situation more clearly.

A big clue are these dreams you are having. (You can't be heard! You can't get his attention!) This is upsetting you. Mostly because you feel that you are losing "controll" over him. He was always so needy (and you took care of him and your child) and now your child should be going off on his/her own soon, and husband does not seem to "need" you either. In the meantime, you have no ID of your own. You have done this to yourself over the years . . .

You don't say how old you are, but these things happen when the kids don't need mom much any more and the parents - who have forgotten to be spouses to each other - look at each other and can't decide if they really want to grow old with each other.

Family counseling is wonderful, it gives everyone a break from
that blaming cycle thing that goes on. Gets you to focus your
energy on what you CAN DO. Another thing I see about the
relationship IF you are really in it for "THE LONG HAUL" is like
K. Gibran says in "The Prophet" about marriage - something
like marriage being like a MOVING OCEAN BETWEEN TWO
SHORES ... and it leaves me with the sensation that this is one
of life's longest-term things that goes on, aside from life itself.
Longer than a person stays at one job usually. Longer than
you continue with a hobby usually. Over long long years, lots
of changes happen, feelings come and go, change and change
again. People often seem to go through some of the most
horrific periods - only to come out on the other side a few mos
later as much in love as when they first met -BUT BETTER and
GREATER and WISER. I think it is worth the work, and hedge
the bets with the assistance of therapy for OBJECTIVE POINT
OF VIEW.

im so sorry for your problems.

I would suggest immediate counseling and if that doesnt work Make plans to leave him....I cant even fathom How Difficult something like that may be but as ive read in your Post he's Cheated on your,Lies to you,fights with you and doesnt treat you right.....and Done some other Horrible things (leaving You After you just had a miscarrage? Omg)

your BETTER than this and Shouldnt have to put up with someone who treats you like that.Stand up for yourself and dont let Him Go again "ive seen the light! I love you!" It sounds like you've given him so many chances its rediculas.....

Find someone who can Treat you Like the wonderful person that im sure you are and you'll be happy Again...best of luck to you and Your son.

Everyone does -- but it doesn't sound like you're ever going to get this from him.

Gosh.
Dont wait so long to be important to yourself.

Relationships should not be dull and full of pain.

Get out . Its simple from the outside (here) looking in ( to your post)
get out.

Agreed!

Thanks everyone for your posts

First.. I am 33 yrs old so not super young. We have a daughter and she is aware that parents are not always going to get along. We have talks about how people should treat others and that it is human to sometimes make mistakes. I know that when she is older that she will make good decisions for herself. She is a very smart little lady.

As for myself.. I agree.. I am looking into counseling and am on a wait list for us to go in. It is not something as simple as "get out". I am taking time for me and doing things that I enjoy.. Most of the time things are really good. (yes I am sure many people say this) He is not physicaly abusive so there is not threat there. Relationships have their up's and downs and challenges in life. At the end of life it would be just too easy if everything worked out tickity-boo.. it's better to say "look what we have gone through to get to this point.. I learned lessons and grew even stronger from this"

I really am not so sure what it is that he expects from me. Some days I feel that he can tell me a lie and that I am going to buy it. e.g.: Asked him to call his parents to talk to them about a couple things. He dialed and then said oh it's busy.. time for them to get a second line.. tried this twice. I pick up the phone.. look.. he did not even dial the number fully. I mean I already have one child .. I don't need another. He said that he just did not want to talk to them and that I would not stop pushing him. I had said that it would have been much easier for him to just tell me that instead of treating me like I am stupid and would believe him. \

Some days it is like having a conversation with a child... no eye contact.. just an angry guy because he works so hard that at the end of the day the money just goes to home/food/bills and nothing else is around for our own home or things we want to do. I totally understand this frustration..I just don't have to like the anger. It is almost like a bipolar individual.. I get a phone message that says how much he loves me .. how wonderful I am .. etc. then he just gets angry with the situation of lack of funds and it is like dealing with two different people.

He is a work-a-holic. Work is always number one.. always has been and always will be. Drives me nuts!

I try to live in the moment.. this is what we have now and I am enjoying it.. everything happens for a reason...I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment. I live life not worrying about little things .. sure money is a big thing.. but if I can't do anything about it at this very moment.. why worry about it?! I enjoy what I do have.. clean water to drink.. a roof over my head.. food for us to eat.. etc. I feel like I am spiritually evolving and that it's really hard to do when the other person is just so angry all the time.

I don't want to be the one to always find the solutions. I want to have grown up conversations. I explained to him that if someone did this to him at work that it would be totally inappropriate.. to not pay attention when someone is talking or to leave the room or just talk back and say you are listening to their feelings and then to have the same conversation over and over again and be told that you are bitching when all a person is trying to do is have a conversation. Maybe he is just not happy .. maybe he is not in love with me anymore.. maybe he does not love himself..

Thanks Jespah for the suggestion.. I don't hate it. Counseling is a great idea! At least this way we will have some tools to work with and a mediator. Hope they can get us in soon.

Abracadabra,

Has your husband agreed to go?

yeah....Thats another thing....Does your Husband REALIZE that you feel this way? Has he agreed to conciling and that there a problem?

Are you Speaking to him on this And Telling him your unhappy with what He's Doing to you?

I would very much like to hear the other side to this story.

You say you trust your husband, but yet, you constantly seem to check up on him.
You write mails on his behalf.
You ask a lady whom he invited to dinner (for whatever reason), to pay him back.

I think all these things are out of order as much as him treating you badly.

So if both of you can go to councelling, I think that would be a wonderful idea.

And one more thought:

33 is pretty young in my eyes!
Not baby/teen young, but you still have all your life in front of you!

1st I don't "spy" or check up on him.. these are every day things that are not hidden nor do I have to look very hard for. If his email is open on my computer and he asks me to look something up.. ummm yeah I am going to ask about certain emails. I go off gut feelings and this time it was very right! I don't like having to defend myself for going with my gut and knowing that something is not right at the time.. what I did was ok and my husband has that understanding. Yes.. he is my husband and I am aware of what is going on in his life just as much as he is aware of what is going on in mine.

2nd In regards to the emails.. he asked me to write it and that he was "ok" with it so I am not sure how that is not ok. Asking the lady to pay him back was not out of order! Her accepting the dinner was out of order! Him paying for the dinner was out of order! People take advantage of the fact that he is a gentleman and this was way out of order for this woman to do this.

Anyway.. you may view this as out of order but we (my husband and I) do not see it that way. All relationships are different.. thank goodness.. not everyone is going to do something the same way. I have not done anything wrong!

Yes going to talk to someone is a great idea.. Yes my husband realizes I feel this way.. and yes he has agreed to go .. lots and lots of talking in our relationship.. just two very strong minded individuals

1st I don't "spy" or check up on him.. these are every day things that are not hidden nor do I have to look very hard for. If his email is open on my computer and he asks me to look something up.. ummm yeah I am going to ask about certain emails. I go off gut feelings and this time it was very right! I don't like having to defend myself for going with my gut and knowing that something is not right at the time.. what I did was ok and my husband has that understanding. Yes.. he is my husband and I am aware of what is going on in his life just as much as he is aware of what is going on in mine.

2nd In regards to the emails.. he asked me to write it and that he was "ok" with it so I am not sure how that is not ok. Asking the lady to pay him back was not out of order! Her accepting the dinner was out of order! Him paying for the dinner was out of order! People take advantage of the fact that he is a gentleman and this was way out of order for this woman to do this.

Anyway.. you may view this as out of order but we (my husband and I) do not see it that way. All relationships are different.. thank goodness.. not everyone is going to do something the same way. I have not done anything wrong!

Yes going to talk to someone is a great idea.. Yes my husband realizes I feel this way.. and yes he has agreed to go .. lots and lots of talking in our relationship.. just two very strong minded individuals

I think that you shouldn't waste your precious time on him and find yourself a real man, who loves you back.
But, if you think that he might be worth one more chance (which is usually the case in this kind of situation), you need to talk to him.
He probably won't want to listen. Psh. What am I saying?
Of course he won't want to listen.
He might even walk out when he realizes what the conversation is about.
But it would be most helpful if you vented to him.
Tell him some of the things you've told us.
Heck, maybe even show him what you wrote, but don't mention the fact that you posted it somewhere online - just say that you wrote down what you felt.
Maybe, if he reads it, he will realize what he is doing.
And maybe that might be motive enough to change.
Though changing would be extremely hard for a man his age, it sometimes, rarely, possible.
Praying will help too.
In fact, it results in the biggest success stories. =]

Well, good luck, in whatever choice you choose to follow.

Oh, and you were completely not spying. Not at all.
You might have been doubting, and you might have been a little bit suspicious, but that is only normal.
Especially in a situation such as yours.

Heck, I'd look through his emails if he left his email open and the like.
Why not? I'd want to see if he has something to hide. In your case, he did. So being curious helped in your situation.
Props to you!