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Tue 8 Jul, 2008 08:31 pm
My mom went through brain surgery this year. She came out of it ok, there were some complications later due to the medicine she was on and because of it she has to use a coloscopy (sp) bag for an undetermined amount of time. There have been many up's and down's. She is in the recovery proccess and having to take chemo pills and the whole nine yards. Actually, to be quite specific, my mom has exactly what Ted Kennedy just went through. But the recovery process is hard on her. She is only getting sicker mentally and the sicker she thinks she is the more people there are trying to help lend a hand. But my mom has this unusual habbit of thinking she's burdening the world with her medical problems. She thinks for some reason that these people don't really want to help, they just feel obligated since she is sick.
Since my brother is useless in pretty much all aspects of my moms situation, my dad and I are the only two trying to figure out whats wrong with her or what is making her so depressed.
Today was pretty f-ing bad. I came down stairs to find her on the couch with her daytimer...crying. I asked her what she was doing and she told me she was looking at her calendar to determine which day she was going to kill herself. She started crying because she realized she couldn't do it soon because at the end of this month is my brothers birthday. What am I supposed to say to that? Your mother tells you she can't handle the recovery process anymore and wants to kill herself and you find her planning out they day? I tried to comfort her but she just kept going on, so then I told her that thoughts of suicide go against her very own religion and are wrong. She looked at me dead in the eyes, said to me ".... you just don't care", and stood up and walked out of the room.
I know its the pills, I know its all the drugs that are making her feel this way plus a mixture of her own conscienceness is all probably very confusing to her. It hasn't even been a year yet! We just lost someone in the family from cancer who had it for YEARS! Like 20-25 years she went through it and it finally wore her out. I don't know what it's like to be my mom right now and I have no idea what she is going through, and I know that a little less than a year can seem like an eternity. But I look at some of these brave women out there who battled through it all and fought and are still alive today. And then I see my mom... being a quitter. She's quitting on life. I know that must seem harsh to hear but if those women can do it, so can she. I don't have kids, but when I do, she needs to be there for them. It is important to me. She needs to fight for that.. or at least fight for something.
I don't know what to do. I left my husband becase he was an abusive bipolar prick and I couldn't handle that... and I flee to my parents to find my mother going through brain surgery and now she wants to commit suicide. What the hell do I do?!
What do you do??? You mean you don't know????
You alert the doctors and hope that they can help her. Not always is it possible however, Dr Kevorkian made his life's work trying to help those who faced a life of certain continual misery unless they could end their life by choice.
Geez, hawkeye! Take it easy on her!!!
Kitkat...contact your mother's doctor(s) at once and let them know she is depressed to the point of being suicidal. It may be a side effect of her medication(s). That isn't uncommon. If it's not medication, there are other things that can be done (counseling/antidepressants work wonders.)
Meanwhile, do not leave your mother alone. You and your father can take turns being with her while you await doctors' orders. If they do not respond quickly enough to suit you, take her to the emergency room. They will contact her doctor STAT.
Kitkat - I am concerend that you think YOU can or have to solve this.
BRING IN THE EXPERTS - ask her Dr. to write a prescription for a visiting nurse and get some help in there ASAP.
This is TOO BIG for you and your job is to be a daughter - NOT a Dr., nurse, psychologist, suicide hotline worker, cook, or any other job.
Call Hospice, too, if that's available, They no longer just do "terminal" cases.
Hey KitKat
First up - hugs to you hun.
Now.... breathe....and breathe deep
I understand what it's like to listen to someone who says they wan't to commit suicide. I have a child who does that on a daily basis.
It isn't easy for you to hear your Mom talking like that - no matter what the reasons - medication-wise, or other. You don't expect to hear it. You don't want to hear it. You want it all to be OK. You want it all to go away. However, you cannot stop the words from coming out... and you also cannot reason or rationalise it with your Mom.
You need to keep talking - to your friends, to your family. You cannot rationalise it either, because emotionally you cannot get the perspective at this point in time. It hurts way way too much for you. It isn't what is supposed to happen. It's not in your rule book. The rules have changed and no-one told you.
Talk to your doctor. Talk to you Mom's doctor. I don't think you can be on 24hr watch for your Mom, even with help - it's a pressure too great - as well as being able to live your life too. What you can't do is be responsible for what you Mom says or does. You can be responsible for your actions only. Right now - you need to step back from the emotion which is tearing you apart. There is no easy way to do that. Talking does help.
You need help within the home, and if you can't get help IN the home, then you need the doctor to get help outside the home - hospice / hospital / nursing home.
Try to remember your Mom is your Mom - not anyone else who has been through illnesses... her pain / meds etc make her unique and she can only do it her way. Just as you can only handle how you feel, your way.
I DO understand your pain, so please don't think I am patronising you in any way. You need to get help for your Mom - but it's not help that you can give her - she is too close for you to be able to support her mental health. All you can do is support and love her, and be with her when she asks for you, and be waiting in the wings when she won't accept help. Please try not to take on all the responsibility. It is so, so hard for a family to watch another family member go through illness of any kind, and adding on mental health too... well, it's nigh on impossible to come through unscathed and not furiously angry and desperate for a solution.
Ask for help..... from doctors who can help. Keep talking .... just keep on talking.
Thank you everyone for your advice. Well... so I immediatly told my father after she told me, and he was very upset to hear what I had to say. He came home, comforted my mom, and when he came out 45minutes later I could tell he had been crying. When I told my grandmother what happened she almost started crying and had to hold back her tears. It's not an easy thing to do. My dad got right on top of it and today she had a meeting with the pshycologist. The news apparently isn't good. So not good that my dad couldn't even tell me, he told me he would wait until tomorrow to discuss anything with me. But I will need to be looking into support groups, pshycologist, and other people who can help her. This is way too big for me.
I have to ask...
why does she have a colostomy bag if she had brain surgery?
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