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Tue 1 Jul, 2008 06:35 am
We found out that the principal at my daughters' school has invasive breast cancer. The school is small and the principal is very active in all aspects of the school so each child knows the principal on a personal level. I have a child going into kindergarten and one going into 4th grade. At this point in time we are supposed to be relocating so most likely they will not be attending the school in the fall, however, they do attend the church associated with this school.
How/when do we approach this subject? Both are very sensitive children and do care for this person. Should we wait until we know how serious the situation is or let them know at this time she is sick? This sort of thing (unfortunately) isn't completely foreign to them as recently we had to let them know about a grandmother who has cancer which cannot be treated.
if you will be moving away from her, possibly before the cancer has a physically noticeable effect, why say anything unless someone else tells them?
shewolfnm wrote:if you will be moving away from her, possibly before the cancer has a physically noticeable effect, why say anything unless someone else tells them?
I was wondering that - should I wait until she asks or some one else says something? I normally like to be up front about it, but why get the children upset if you don't need to.
If it were me, I would not say anything IF the chance of you being gone before anything shows is .. huge. .. almost guaranteed.
If you may be around longer, you could just explain it as an illness but leave out the death issue.. I mean, you wont be there to see the decline so why give them that stress. Especially if they realllllly like her. That will be painful.
If they just move away, she will be a good memory. If they know she will die from sickness then it may be a painful memory. Noone knows how long they will live with cancer anyway.
[quote="shewolfnm"]If it were me, I would not say anything IF the chance of you being gone before anything shows is .. huge. .. almost guaranteed.
[/quote]
I'll sign that!
If they attend a church associated with this school, I think it's a good idea to handle it yourself due to the possibility of them learning about it from others.
I think you can just keep it simple and then respond to questions as necessary.
Sozlet has two friends who have moved/ are moving and she's stayed in touch with the one who moved and plans to stay in touch with the other one -- I can imagine that even if they don't learn from current friends/ church people, your daughters might learn from classmates they're still in touch with after they've moved, especially if there is big news (like she dies, heaven forbid). They may be upset that they didn't have a chance to say goodbye, send her a card, whatever.
sozobe wrote:If they attend a church associated with this school, I think it's a good idea to handle it yourself due to the possibility of them learning about it from others.
I think you can just keep it simple and then respond to questions as necessary.
Sozlet has two friends who have moved/ are moving and she's stayed in touch with the one who moved and plans to stay in touch with the other one -- I can imagine that even if they don't learn from current friends/ church people, your daughters might learn from classmates they're still in touch with after they've moved, especially if there is big news (like she dies, heaven forbid). They may be upset that they didn't have a chance to say goodbye, send her a card, whatever.
That's very true. Where most everyone in the school is very close, she will definately have contact with them especially my older daughter. She is gathering all their info - phone numbers, addresses, emails (and in some cases height and weight - don't know why she is getting that info). We also frequently meet up with these families as we are friends as well.
I agree with Sozobe (I kept in touch with friends when I moved a few times as a child). I wouldn't get much into specifics just yet as her prognosis is an unknown right now. A lot of women get invasive breast cancer; it can even be invasive in stage 1. A lot of women recover and live long lives after diagnosis and treatment. If she is in one of the later stages it could be another story, but still with possibilities for recovery. (I have an acquaintance who is doing fine almost ten years after a stem cell transplant in stage four.) None of which I think you should get into with the children, just saying.
Thanks for the info osso - it helps me on a personal level as I also know her.
I would tell my kids (even my 3 year old daughter).
This is their life and they have a right to know. Part of my job as a parent is to teach them about life, and the best way to do this is as it comes.
When faced with these topics, I bring up the subject (so-and-so is very sick and I am sad). Then I let the child have control over what she wants to know. Kids are very good at asking questions, and they are also good at letting you know what they are ready for. My advice is to give them the opportunity to ask, and don't tell them anything more.
Giving kids the opportunity to deal with life on their own terms is important. I don't think "protecting" them from life is the right approach.
I agree at least in part with ebrown, that illness is part of life and that someone the family knows may have a struggle of any sort is also part of life. But I'd be pretty forebearing with any of the possible details for the very young.
As a side note, I just googled about that old acquaintance who had stage 4.. I was right, still apparently fine.
Linkat - I just think since you are around people who know her and that the kids know her and you do as well - it is better for them to hear it from you. Osso is right...just tell them what you know and don't try to give a prognosis. Good luck...I know it is hard though. So sorry that you are having to even think about it. Whatever you decide to do...you know your kids best. They will be fine.
Thanks mismi - yeah that is sort of how I've felt. Just so hard especially with so much other crap going on around us. And the kids just love her (me too!). It made me cry when she announced it.
If anything I tend to tell them more than they want to her. My older daughter will say Enough! I don't want to know anything more! As I go on about this full explanation. I always say so well don't ask me then. Of course jokingly.
Linkat, how did you find out about her illness? Did the principal tell you herself? Is it something she talks about freely with teachers/parents? If yes, then you can broach it with your kids when you feel you're ready, if not, I'd be a bit worried about the principal's reaction. Obviously, people know, so she's not keeping it to herself, but how does she feel about telling the pupils?
dagmaraka wrote:Linkat, how did you find out about her illness? Did the principal tell you herself? Is it something she talks about freely with teachers/parents? If yes, then you can broach it with your kids when you feel you're ready, if not, I'd be a bit worried about the principal's reaction. Obviously, people know, so she's not keeping it to herself, but how does she feel about telling the pupils?
She announced it herself at Bible study and then the minister announced during the church service. It was also sent out via an email distribution list (which I'm not on).
So come to think about it my daughter would have heard (although she wouldn't fully understand), but she was at a friend's house this weekend.
yeah, in that case i'd discuss it with the kids.
I remember my sixth grade teacher leaving mid year. There was some hushed talk about illness and I was never given a clear picture. I still don't know if she was sick, or maybe her husband was sick. Because I didn't get the full scoop there was a lot of anxiety on my part. I had a really good relationship with her and missed her a lot. I felt denied by her absence. I know if things had been better explained to me, I wouldn't have felt so badly.
I was thinking more about the timing where there was a possibility they wouldn't see her again in the sense we were moving - except possibly when we come to visit.
But my hubby did tell them. He was driving them and going where they would see some people from the church and school. I was meeting them there. So before they got a chance (especially the older one) to see any friends - he told them that the principal has breast cancer. Not sure if they really know what that is other than something that makes some one sick - but he went on to say that she is treatable and she has some excellent doctors to help her. She will have surgery. Pretty much kept it as simple as possible.
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