38yr. wife with no sex drive vs. me.. 26 male.. enough said.

Actually, it is even worse than you think. A 38 year old woman should be in her sexual prime, and she has nothing.....

time to reevalute, to look at why you picked her and at what you want in life. You can be sexual outside of your primary relationship, but do you want to do that for the next 20-40 years??? It would probably be better to pick a new mate. No sex would be a deal breaker for me.

It would be a deal breaker for me too- if you're not having sex at all - that's more like a relationship between siblings than marital partners. Maybe you could explain it to her like that - that you feel as if you may as well be living with your sister - someone you love but are not initimate with.
And Hawkeye's right - if she's not feeling it at this point in her life, at 38- when most women pretty much come into their own sexually (although I know everyone's different and I hate to generalize) - she probably just won't feel the need at all - especially if she's not shown any indication of being interested in the last four years. Does she not even show any sort of sign of responsibility about it - as in - 'I married this poor guy - I should give him SOMETHING....' (you know 'wifely duties)
. I'm kind of kidding - but fair's fair.

Although that's one thing I don't understand...and it's been a pretty constantly running theme that I see over and over on this forum- how do people decide to marry people with whom they have no sexual chemistry or compatibility? I just don't get that. To me that would have been a deal breaker before it even got to the point of having the question of marriage or even the next date arise.

Because if you don't have the desire to have sex with someone - isn't that a pretty good indication they're not the one for you? And if they don't seem to want to have sex with you - shouldn't that set off some sort of alarm?
I don't know - in my experience- when the desire's there - it's not a question of whether or not - it's something that seems like it has to happen - inevitable - like breathing.
If that feeling wasn't there for me - I'd have taken that as a sign- not the one.
You don't want to spend your whole life feeling unwanted and she probably doesn't want to spend her whole life feeling like she's failing you or being asked to do something she apparently has no desire to.

finn2534 - Welcome to A2K!

What happened after the first couple of years when your wife changed? If she never had sexual desire that would be one thing, but it sounds to me like there was something that changed her.

If you love her, and want to keep the marriage intact, it is important that you discuss this matter with her, in a loving, but matter of fact way. As a young man, you have needs, and a platonic relationship simply will not cut it.

Bring it out in the open. It may be difficult, but try not to be judgemental. Let her have her say. Then let her know that sex is important to you, and that you simply cannot go on the way that you are.

Marriage counselling might be a way that you can work, with a professional, to explore the reasons why she has lost all interest in sex.
She may have some issues of which you have no knowledge.

If you want to save this marriage, it will take some hard work. If you love her, it is certainly worth the effort. Good luck!

*Sorry - I forgot that you said it was fine in the beginning - that kind of negates the last half of my post.

I apologize. Please ignore that part if it's not helpful.

have you even said anything to her?
Or have you just accepted things as they are.. no argument?

If people are having bad sex , or no sex, then sex becomes 99% of the relationship.

if someone is having good sex then it is 1%


you are on the wrong side of the spectrum.

Start by saying something to her. Give her a chance first, then make the decision to stay, go, or have an affair.
I agree with hawkeye.. this is a bigger problem then your simple post.
This is the wrong time in her chemistry to be swinging to the opposite side and not wanting sex.

Every woman is different. Many women go into peri-menopause in their thirties and this can lead to a lowering of sexual desire. If she is willing to fix the problem, she should speak to her doctor. There are hormone treatments that work, but they have some side effects. I know I was far more interested in sex in my twenties and early thirties and had a full drop off around 37. Now I'm in my mid-40's and the urge waxes and wanes. When it's good - it's great, but it's never cranked back to the level I experienced in my 20's or early 30's. Fortunately, my husband is 50 and we seem to be on the same desire page now.

You're obviously not from Kentucky.

I want to hear more about Green Witch's waxing and waning.

I will wait.

Sure, I'll tell you. When this happens...

well..
we have had alot of problems in the marriage. im not perfect, by far..
i was still partying like a rockstar when we got together so there were changes i had to make. and i did. put theres all this little **** that grew into monsters. for instance, i have sleep apnea. so, she wont sleep with me,
because she is a "light sleeper". my father had the same issue and my parents sleep together. i have talked about it hella times, about sex that is, or lack there of. it does no good. i flipped out a couple weeks ago because im sick of the bullshit excuses. she gained alot of weight in the last couple years,
and im guessing that might be one reason. so as it stands now, i sleep in another room. i have tried to tell her we need counseling, and she tells me "there just going to side with me" (about all the issues in the past)... can you believe that ****?
im trying to salvage whats let, but im going nuts.
trying to think of my options too.
not many if im broke..

finn2534- As far as the sleep apnea is concerned, there is something that you can do about it. Find yourself a doctor who specializes in the disorder, and have a sleep study. The doctor may prescribe a C-Pap machine, which will cut out the snoring.

This is important not only for convenience, but for your health. If you have sleep apnea, that means that you stop breathing a number of times during the night, and can be prone to strokes.

http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/dci/Diseases/SleepApnea/SleepApnea_WhatIs.html

How much weight has your wife gained? Excessive weight gain is often an indicator of some other problem, sometimes emotional, which you might want to explore.

Wait, you're guessing that she put on weight as an excuse to not have sex? Just to kinda spite you?

I avoid generalizations when I can but it's pretty safe to say that no (American) woman purposely puts on weight for any reason other than a large paycheck and/or a possibility of an Oscar.

I'd say it's far more likely that it's the other way around -- that there is some underlying problem that caused both the weight gain and the reduced sex drive. Or first the weight gain, then the reduced sex drive. Depression is one possibility, there are many more.

If she's willing to go to counseling, just go. She says "they'll be on my side," you say "OK, cool, maybe I'll learn something." I don't see you guys making any progress as you stick to the usual patterns of interacting.

Good luck.

No marriage counselor worth his/her license will "side" with one or the other person in the couple. The idea is to work things out, without placing blame, to the satisfaction of both partners.

That does not mean that you will automatically stay together. That is the best case scenario, but there are others. What the counselling will do is bring the issues to the surface, and determine if both of you are interested in working on them. Sometimes, after marriage counselling, some couples realize that is in both their best interests to part.

The point is that right now you are at an impasse with your wife. It will not get better unless you both work on your problems.

i was treated for the apnea, but i could not use the c-pap machine.
it freaked me out super bad.. like a phobia.
and i didnt mean she gained weight to spite me. i meant that is probably one of the reasons she doesnt have a sex drive.
i am going to setup up a counseling appt. as soon as my new jobs insurance kicks in...

as far as her weight gain.. it is significant.
i think its thyroid related.. there is some medical issue there, because we both eat good healthy food for the most part. and workout..
i dont even want to touch that subject with her...

An underactive thyroid (I have one), if left untreated, can lead to other unpleasantness that's got nothing to do with weight. That at the very least should be checked. Check this site: http://hcd2.bupa.co.uk/fact_sheets/html/underactive_thyroid.html

According to them,

Your wife might be more inclined to be tested and take medication if things like possible miscarriage or heavy periods are explained to her as being the potential side effects, and nothing is said about weight.

Thyroid pills aren't a magical cure-all that will suddenly make her lose weight. She still has to diet, exercise, etc. But those pills would make her efforts a lot more fruitful.

BOTH of you need complete physicals - from the neck down.
Make her a deal that both of you go. Make the appointments today.

Then you need a couple's evaluation with a counselor - from the head up. Make the appointment today. If she does not go, then go alone.

Things are deteriorating, kiddo, and life's too short for both of you to be miserable.

Wow. Your post echoes with familiarity. First, I'm sorry you're going through what you are...for both of you. I found your post (and this site) by googling "Addisons and low sex drive how do i fix it?" You can tell by my ridiculous search words that I am nearing desperation.

I'm 36, he's 22. We started out with a healthy, viracious sexual relationship...but then things started tapering off sexually...eventually to the point of sex occurring literally 2 times a month. I am confident that NO sex is in my immediate future. We've both considered very attractive, and we love each other very much, so I'm sure it's not a matter of "the novelty wearing off". Fast forward several months, and he was diagnosed with Addisons Disease, which is hormone-related and absolutely can deplete the sex drive. He's being treated, but it seems that since the diagnosis and/or the treatment, the decreased sex-drive has gotten worse.

I love him very much, and so I have not even considered the other possiblities outside of my relationship. Now he wants marriage, but I am afraid of commiting to a life void of sex. I hate the feeling of selfishness, but the fact that he's not even willing to meet me half way is very discouraging....and then I start thinking HE'S selfish. If I'm wiling to basically give up intercourse, why can't we have intimacy in other ways? Ah, yes...the complete and utter lack of sexual arousal on his part. Square one again.

So then...what to do? I have no idea. Masturbate A LOT? Depserate google searches? Jacok some other guy's thread on a message board? Masturbate again?

Ugh. I guess the point of my post is, there may be a psysiological reason she's not interested. Has she consulted her gynocologist? She should. Otherwise, what's your relationship like in other respects? Sounds like there is a lack of intimacy all around (you don't even share the same bed), as well as finincial difficulties and other matters that place stress on a relationship. Question for the both of you: Do you love one another enough to WANT to be marreid for the rest of your lives? If so, start talking....start evaluating yourselves....get marriage counseling.

Good luck to you both. I know how lonely, frustrating, and difficult what you're going through is. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

A sexless marriage is really not a marriage. Intimacy is important between two people who commit themselves for their (un)knowable lifetime. Sex is one issue, and the other is having kids. If one partner doesn't agree to either, some expert advise needs to be considered - before any action is taken.