Problems with an Ex.

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I used to see this guy, who some people may remember me posting about a while back, and we were together for more than two years...engaged to be married this summer and all that sort of thing.

I broke up with him over three months ago for a lot of reasons (e.g. trust issues, possessiveness and violence) but he's now more of a problem than ever!

Since the day we broke up, he's been absolutely shameless with his 'ordeal' and will tell everyone and anyone all about how I've broken his heart and he's the nicest guy in the world and didn't ever deserve to be hurt as much as he's hurting. It's embarassing to watch at times, especially when everyone knows the truth.

He's tried lots of different things to 'pay me back' for hurting him, including threatening to post videos and pictures of me on the internet, turning as many of my friends as he can against me, actual violence and now he's started spreading nasty rumours about me, accusing me of cheating on my new boyfriend...which has now resulted in the new guy breaking up with me because of it.

I've tried everything to make him go away, but he takes every chance to get to me, because apparently he thinks he has a right to hurt me because I put him through 'three months of hell'. Every friend we had has tried to talk to him and tell him to just get over it and stop being so awful, but he just doesn't listen. He actually believes he's got every right to make my life miserable and he's doing it in every way he can think of. I can't even go on a night out without there being a huge drama now, because he always comes out and makes a scene.

At first I understood that people deal with things differently and I should just wait for him to get over it. But after three months of this, I'm not so sure when that's going to happen and it really isn't fun. I'm trying to move on with my life and leave him to his, but that seems impossible! I'm out of ideas as to what to do about him, he's so stubborn that nothing works.

Any ideas?

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Let him do what he wants - you have no control over what he does or says. The people who know you will stand by you.

Just do the old eyeball roll and grin.

There's nothing you can do about him. Just focus on your own life.

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That's the problem though >.<

He demands so much attention from everyone that nobody seems to be standing by me. He's so volatile, everyone listens to him and reassures him just to avoid a scene, so he thinks that he's doing the right thing. The only one in the crosshairs is me, and everyone else (including my own friends) just keeps telling me to just let him do what he likes and get on with my own stuff, but I can't focus on my life when his life revolves around making mine miserable :S

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I would call the police if he has threatened you with violence and have a report taken and also get a restraining order. I know the restraining order is just a piece of paper, but sometimes it works. Sometimes it makes the person more angry and since you know him that would be your call. Good luck btw

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Get a restraining order the first time he threatens to physically harm you, these are the behaviours of the kind of guy who will attack.

Accept that you might lose most/all of your circle, and will need to form a new circle. Physical relocation might be required so that you don't run into him, or your ex friends anymore. It sucks, but it is better than any of the alternatives that you had available. His behaviour post relationship proves that you were right to end it, you made a good call. Now pat yourself on the back and get on with rearranging your life so that he is no longer part of it.

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Hello Eliane,

I just re-read your old posts and I am glad you took everyone's advice and
ended that unhealthy relationship. It is almost expected of creeps like this
that they retaliate in one form or another to elevate their bruised egos.

Hurting you seems to be his mission. There is really nothing you can do,
except keep quiet and ignore him. Eventually he'll stop, and if he's found
a new love interest, you definitely will be free of his unwelcome attention.

If you can move to a different part of town, that probably would be helpful,
and don't worry about your "friends" who chose to believe him - they weren't your friends in the first place and you can do without them.

I also would advice you for the time being, to not engange in another
relationship as this will set off his anger even more, and no one knows what
these people are capable of when pushed to the edge. Just lay low for
a while, stay home, study and try to get out of his sight.

It's hard when you're so young, I know, but it's better than running into
him at every party and place you visit.

Good luck to you, Eliane!

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This just goes to prove that any attention (good or bad) is better than being ignored.

You are allowing this guy to pull you back into his life because you are responding/reacting to his actions.

Pretend he's a three-year-old (probably not hard to do) and either ignore the behavior or give him a Time Out (Restraining Order or visit from the local police about backing off from any contact with you)

P.S. Sorry,but you may have to make entirely new friends, if they are willingly being pulled into all this drama. It's all so exciting - but draining. Do you want to live like this?

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Eliane, obviously we were all right about this guy. He is still trying to control your life...if not one way, another.

Ignore him if it's at all possible. If it's not possible, or if you're concerned about your safety, see about getting a restraining order.

Ignore the people who take his side, too. Sooner or later, they'll figure out what's going on. If they don't, it's their loss.

Don't let this guy get to you. That's what he wants, and it's his way of controlling your life. It's time for you to move on.

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Hey Eliane

I haven't read your other posts and don't have an experience like you are having right now... but... I agree with the other posters based on your first post.

The guy is making your life a misery. So... what to do?

If your friends and acquaintances are pulling for him because that is easier than to accept who they believe him to be, or because it will cause a drama, then they are not your friends. Friendship is about loyalty and helping you to come to terms with your "losses" and "moving on" and your "support". No dramas, no judging - just support and helpful advice. Only YOU know the reasons as to why you chose to break up - and everyone elses perception of that is neither here nor there if you, at any time, felt threatened or vulnerable to his "control". You have to stay true to you and move forward in the best way possible. Taking sides, in any kind of relationship, can be so unjust, especially when you have joint friends. However, your friends/acquaintances do not realise how you feel about the "control" you were under - and it's probably not that they are trying to be mean or nasty, or perhaps even taking sides, but folk would rather an easy life. They aren't responsible for your life... only you are - so you have to figure out the best way forward. (that I do talk from experience with). I left my marriage, have lost some family and a bunch of "friends" who couldn't possibly get why I should leave the wonderful man they thought him to be. But they knew NOTHING - and those that did - did not step up to the mark, they just got on with their lives - which was fine. No-one really knows anything - except the two of you.

Everyone here has said that if you feel at all threatened or perceive any kind of threat, then you surely must do something about - to protect you and others. It isn't your responsibility what he does when he moves on to someone else, but it's also hard to know, as only you do, how threatening he can be. You say "I can't even go on a night out without there being a huge drama now, because he always comes out and makes a scene." How does he know where you will be?

So you need to take action if you are threatened, then move past it to be able to move on from it and take back the control of your life. When people are pushed - you don't know how they will react. You do need to ensure your safety and those around you.

You have to get on with your life and not react to any of his childish behaviour. Ensure that when you go out or to places that you do not let your friends tell him where you are going. Go to different places. I don't know where you live or how far away/close he is - but steer clear of the places he frequents. If he follows you around then make sure you have someone around you that you trust. Don't allow him to make you miserable - you are in control of what you need to do - the first step is taking the control back and start living your life, whether he is there throwing a hissy fit - or whether he goes away and leaves you alone.

I do understand that when "so called friends" don't step up when you really need them, how difficult that can be - having experienced that, and still do with the real people around me, it can be soul destroying. However, your true friends will stick by you - you don't need a whole load of friends, just a few, and they will see you through your tough times. It is so hard when you feel alone - and judged by others - but you will get through it. We all do, eventually.

You've broken up, he's out of YOUR life, the way you see YOUR life going, so start living it - you take control of where you are going. Do what you need to do - not what he dictates you do. YOUR life. Look after it - you only get the one chance on this earth!

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I just reread the old thread. We were really worried about you, and are glad now, as a bunch of people from all over the place who were paying attention then, or finding out about this now, that you are out of the marrying him situation.

I still agree with one of my posts on the old thread -

"I am for going to a shelter, not only to the parents. People at women's shelters can talk with you and really understand the situation. Not to avoid your parents, and I'm all for their support - though we don't know what got you to this low level of self esteem in the first place - but the counseling and tips from a shelter are important."

I don't mean you have to move to a woman's shelter - though that could be smart, even now - but that they may have some local counselers who could have helpful information.

I don't even mean that every person counselling at a women's shelter is smart. But it's a starting place.

Thank you for coming back and telling us about this - I missed the March posts and am glad to read that the marriage didn't happen.
I still think this is serious, and would personally consider relocating. From here, it seems a good idea.

I suppose at 19 or 20 I would also consider just ignoring him, but that seems somewhat - and potentially very - dangerous.

And if you do decide to move on, be beyond quiet about the where.

I can see resisting moving because of a jerk. But.. I'd consider what you might like to explore anyway, and be quiet about it. Quiet with the girlfriends and talk with experienced counsellors.

It also may be that I'm over-reacting. A local expert whom you can talk with at more length .. would be a good idea.

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Eliane,

I once had a boyfriend who had the same issue with his ex. It seemed likw she had no life of her own -- all her time was dedicated to "break" his life and make it as miserable as possible. She was spreading all kinds of rumors, was calling both him and me at least once a day, and even turned my friends against him. I suffered from all possible kinds of abuse; she even got that far to call my boss at work Exclamation

and asked whether he's not concerned that one of his employees (me) is dating a drug dealer... (luckily, my boss was a wise person and this caused no harm).

What we did with her was what is actually suggested by other people here -- we tried to ignore her as much as possible and lived our lives. It wasn't too effective -- it took 1,5 years for her to get lost Exclamation

- although you could say, eventually it worked anyway. Still I must add, I really loved that guy back then and was surprised myself that I did not get tired of this and did not leave thim (though we still parted later on) -- it takes tremendous efforts to deal with such issues...

Anyhow, there might be other ways out that could be considered before turning on the "ignore" button. In the civilized world, your ex-bf's actions are in many cases a subject to the law. You could always report him to the police, or in case of physical abuse -- even get the court to issue a decision which would oblige your ex to stay away from you in a specified distance (and he would also have no legal right to contact you in other ways).

In less civilized world, common issues are solved by hiring a muscular guy to do some "man talk" -- which is not something I would recommend, but generally it might be good for you to have someone standing by you -- firstly because of the psychological support, and secondly -- a devoted person's company would be helpful when you're going out (I don't mean that this person should kick all the devils out of your ex -- I think his company might help you to feel more secure).

I wouldn't very much recommend moving to another location though... First of all, there is no guarantee he will not be crazy enough to follow you if he finds out where you moved to, and it is very likely that sooner or later he will find out. Secundly, he is not worth that sacrifice, that you ran away and built your life from scratch... Finally, I'd think it's way better to have this problem solved once and for good, so that there was no threat of your ex appearing in your life again someday in the future.

And make sure you don't enter the game that he started, i.e. don't try to revenge or even demonstrate stronger reactions to his creapy acts. This would only fire up his enthusiasm.

Lastly, gather all your strengths for the timebeing. This is hard situation, but sooner or later you will refer to it in the past tense. Try to think of it as of hangover from a bad relationship (I know this does not soothe very much now, but still the fact is, it could have been worse -- you might have married the bastard and might be having to deal with even worse issues now). Try to think of the positive things you'll do once this problem is solved. Get support from people around you, make sure to have someone close to you whom you could turn to in case you need help or maybe just to talk to.

Best of luck to you, and congratulations on making a huge right decision in your life!

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Elaine--

If only life didn't come with unwelcome echoes.

This, too, will pass, but meanwhile consider filing charges for harassment/stalking. You are entitled to peace and privacy.

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Re: Problems with an Ex.
I'm with Ossobuco on this. It sounds like your life may be in grave danger. An Angel listed the warning signs for all to see Here.

Quote:

1. JEALOUSY
At the time of a relationship.... an abuser might say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love, it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. He/she might question their partner about whom they spend time with....such as family or friends. As the jealousy progresses, they may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly.

2. QUICK INVOLVEMENT
Many battered people dated knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married..... engaged... or living together. Everything seems like a whirlwind.

3. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because they are concerned for the your safety. They can become very angry if you are "late" coming home. An abuser might question you closely about where you went.... and whom you talked to. As this behavior gets worse....you may even feel like you have to ask permission to leave the house.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all of their needs. Such as expecting you to be the perfect mate, lover, and friend. They might say things like, "If you love me, I'm all you need.....you're all I need." You are expected to take care of everything for him/her emotionally and physically. A potential abuser really doesn't want to "share" you with anyone.

Which brings me to number 5.

5. ISOLATION
A potential abuser might try to cut you off from all resources. If you are a female and you have male friends...he might call you a "whore." If you have female friends....he might call you a lesbian.... if you are close to family, you are "tied to the apron strings." The abuser might accuse people who are supportive of you....of "causing trouble."

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS
Do you often take the blame for things that go wrong in your partners life? Even things you have no control over....or are not involved in. Such as things that might go on at your partners work place? Does your partner blame you for the mistakes he makes. Perhaps by telling you that you made him lose his concentration?

7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS
When your partner is angry... it is because of something you said or done. Therefore.......they tell you that they can't help it. If your partner is sad...you aren't doing enough to make them happy. Every emotion that your partner has.....they make you responsible for.

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY
An abuser is easily insulted. They take the slightest setbacks in life, as personal attacks. They might "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that happen. Things that are really just a part of life, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told a behavior is annoying, being asked to help with chores.

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN
This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. They may expect children to be able to do things beyond their ability .....(whips a two year old for wetting a diaper) An abuser might expect the children to stay in their in rooom, when he/she is home. Or they will tease children until they cry.

10. USE OF FORCE DURING SEX
This kind of person may like to throw the woman down and hold her down during sex. They may want to act out fantasies during sex where their partner is helpless. The idea of rape is exciting. They may show little concern about whether the partner wants to have sex and use sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. A male abuser may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill.

11. VERBAL ABUSE
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the partner. Cursing them... calling them names and running down their accomplishments. The abuser will tell their partner they are stupid and unable to function without him/her. This may involve waking you up to verbally abuse you or not letting you sleep.

12. RIGID SEX ROLES
The abuser expects their victim to serve them. The abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

13. DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE
Many victims are confused by their abuser's "sudden" changes in mood. One minute they are nice.........the next minute they are exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

15. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS
This behavior is mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The user may beat on tables with his/her fists, throw objects around or near the victim. This is very nasty behavior..... not only is this sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there's great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to frighten their partner.

Reading your previous posts leaves no doubt that you found one of these monsters... or at least a monster in training.

Very good on you for getting yourself out of the situation, but you're not out of danger yet.

Most abuser murder/suicides happen after the breakup.

Go immediately to the police and file a complaint. Tell them you're being stalked and explain why you feel that way.

Stay on your toes and try to avoid any situation where this guy could possibly get you alone. This situation is very serious. I knew a girl who was in the same situation, before she was murdered. I wrote about it here.

Quote:

I remember meeting another girl once named Sonata when I first moved to Florida. She was a pretty girl who smiled constantly, the kind of girl you like before you even meet. I can't remember which country she and her husband came from. He was not an abuser as far as my friends and I knew, just a very controlling prick who liked to be in charge of everything. I'm guessing they were married for a long time because her accent was barely noticeable and they had come over together. Finally, she got tired of being subservient and told him she wanted to get a divorce. It was then she got the first beating the idea was to beat into her the knowledge that if he couldn't have her no one could. Serious love, right? Shocked, she didn't know what to do. With the help of some friends at the restaurant she worked at, I remember that she had moved out in secret and avoided him as much as possible. He constantly called and fussed and once he even hid in the back of her car because she was refusing to see him.

The witnesses at the sidewalk restaurant heard her screaming for help from the car at stoplight in front of the place, but didn't know what to do. Finally, she tore herself from his grasp and with her shirt torn half off her body ran for the restaurant screaming "help me" "help me" but he was much faster and caught her by the hair, just as she reached the sidewalk. He put not one, but two bullets in her head before putting one in his own. I think she was 27 years old.

Now I don't mean to say that I could possibly know you are in danger. I just want you to know the signs are there so the potential is there and it's best to err on the side of caution. Please don't underestimate the potential for danger here. If you have any doubt about the seriousness of your situation, and to get some practical real time advise, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Congratulations for getting out before it was too late. You have my best wishes.

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