Things seem to be going down hill

I'd talk to her some more. Ask her if she'd like a separation. That ought to get a discussion started.

Seriously, I don't know you guys, but when it is one-sided in all things as you have described, it seems to me that she has simply lost interest in you. Especially when she says she'll work on it but never does. It'd be a different story if it was just one issue (sex, say), but it's not - it carries over into more.

I'm not a proponent of staying together simply because you made a commitment; nor am I saying it's not working so just leave.

But you do have to discuss this and if you can't get a reasonable and honest response from her to to tell you what's really going on, then what is the point of being with her?

First thing: Don't listen to any women on this site. They are just about always wrong.

This is how you fix it. You take your wife out to the woods, and once you are out there, find a big rock with a flat surface. Big enough to lay down on. Then you take your wife by the hand and tell her, "I am going to f*ck you on this rock right now. I am not going to talk, I am not going to coax, I am not going to ask you how you feel about it. I am just going to f*ck you on this rock."

Then f*ck her on that rock.

I know, it sounds crazy, but this simple act can keep a woman happy for up to six months. When you feel things are beginning to go downhill again, go find another rock.

You're welcome.

Well, that rock might work, but usually your advice is so weird, kicky.

By weird you mean uniquely insightful, right?

Ah, kicky, so much to share of your wisdom.. and much of it falls on deaf ears. Mine, for example. Some rock? Foo, grassy meadow!

Knightstorm, perhaps she won't open up about what is bothering her to you, but maybe would to a marriage counsellor. I hear that they don't so much try to "fix things", but that the idea is for you two to communicate with a disinterested party with some counselling experience moderating, and whether or not things work out, to clarify issues.

Rather than trying to figure out how to multi quote I'll do this by name, and thank you all for the advice so far.

@Mame
I always felt that all things aren't one sided, I must play a negative role in this some how, or at least I hope. At least that way I have something I can do that's in my control to fix. But from all our talks I've not yet got anything that bothered her. I like your advice, that's a real direct eye opener. Perhaps if I put it out there like that she may see how important this really is. I'll have to think about it, I may do this, if when I do I'll let you know how it turned out.

@kickycan
I don't know if you were serious or not, but I busted a gut laughing my ass off. Sorry to take you out of context if you were serous but I can't help myself. At the very least you cheered me up.

@Ossobuco
I've suggested marriage counselor before. The thing is, because our shifts are so different and the times we work it's pretty much impossible unless the stars align just right and both of us are off during a time things are still open. I'm up from 1pm - 5am; she doesn't get home until 8-10pm, as you can see that's a hard schedule to work with. We barely manage daily things people take for granted working normal shifts to manage daily life things. Thus far in my research I've not found any to be available when we aren't working.

Ah, that does put a wrench in the bucket.

(Kicky means well, the lamb..)



I've no bright ideas. She does seem to have, from here, dissociated. Might have to do with you, with her, or situations between you. It might not even be anyone's fault.

Alternately, she could have other interests. But that's just one possibility.

If you can't work out a counselor (I never know how to spell that, so I switch between numbers of ll's...) between you, maybe you can see one yourself. If this gets to be a real separation/divorce, an attorney for an initial visit - not to go ahead on it, necessarily, but to get guidelines for self protection.
I assume you are not there yet in your thinking or emotions, but I'm putting that on the table.

Why Kicky, that's a fantastic idea - with the right circumstances, the right attitude and the right woman!

Hi Knightstorm,

Something I noticed while reading your post : You've asked your wife for quite a lot of things, often things you want changed. You've have chats with her about things that you percieve as a problem, but have you had a talk with her about the ongoing problem (in each area)? And as a follow up to that, have you had a talk with her about her not keeping her word (if she says she'll do something and she doesn't)? Have you had a talk about the ongoing tiredness (not an individual occasion tiredness), or perhaps the multiple lasting changes that have occurred, and your concern? Basically - have you talked about the ongoing/lasting differences/changes, as opposed to individual occasion differences/changes?

A possibility you may want to consider, is showing her your post. I would only do this if you think you have the empathy & skills to cope with any potential fallout, but as you say you communicate well, it's worth considering.

If you aren't able to communicate this yourself, then a counsellor/mediator may be best.

In the end, what you need to consider is two fold

- What are my needs, and what needs to change to have them met (or, are there other ways I can have them met). What will I do if they aren't met.
- What are her needs. What needs to change to have them met (or, are there other ways to meet them). What will I do if I can't meet them (or she can't meet them).

How long have you had this schedule?

That might be something concrete to work on -- it sounds like your time together is limited to late nights (between 10 PM and 5 AM) -- is that right? When does she sleep?

marry me kicky

(wanted to edit that lamb business)

So true!

Of course, with the wrong woman, the police could be recovering your body parts in those woods for months.






Welcome to A2K, Knightstorm.
Like sozobe, I am curious about the conflicting schedules. I think it's pretty normal for the heat to die down after the first couple of years, but it doesn't sound like you two have much time for nurturing a deeper relationship.

Hating to be blunt... and I'm not suggesting I could possibly know anything... but disinterested on account of tired; seems to be a frequent excuse by the unfaithful around here. It is, of course, also a frequent excuse for the bored shitless, so don't jump to conclusions. It does sound like your schedules lend themselves nicely to such a scenario. I find it curious that you didn't raise the possibility yourself.

Paranoia and insecurity are ugly traits, of course, but there's nothing wrong with considering all reasonable possibilities when there really is a legitimate problem.

@Vikorr

I have spoke in detail about some, of the things. I used to follow up with the problems. Those normally started heated arguments and we never have those. It aggravates me, I'll start repeating them over and over, asking how many times do I have to tell you about it? Do you even care. Which always turns to tears on her part, then she states it's sorry and it's all over. Nothing changing of course. Grated my aggravation didn't start over night, it took months of talking about it for me to reach that point.


As for the post suggestion, it's a nice one but I'd rather have my own place to go without being overseen and wording things carefully.


I should note I have tried give and take with her. I've told her, listen I'm telling your something that affects me, in exchange what can I do to make things better. It's always something shallow like take the trash out more. Which holding on to my part of the bargin and small things she's asked for has never paid out.

@Sozobe
Yes you are correct our times are limited. She gets home around 7-10pm goes to bed sleeps until I get home, stays up for an hour to chat then goes back to bed. Time I go to bed she's only there an hour but a sleep. Weekends very a great deal. She normally works most weekends, when she is home she's hell bent on sleeping all day, that's what she likes to do.


She has used the "I was tired" bit anytime I bring something like this up, or she will say that she would like to go out more. As for the tired bit, looking at the schedules it seems easy to conclude that's the problem. But she's very alert and active when she's up; she also uses that statement after sleeping the entire weekend, so I really don't buy it. As for the going out part when she gets home it's often late. Not many things are open. That's not the say I haven't gone out of my way to fulfill her request. Trust me I did. However she never upheld her part of the bargain.

@Occom Bill
I always have the small suspensions in the back of my mind. But I don't see anything that can convince me to start investigating; besides with my schedule it's quite difficult to do so. I think everything is ok in regards to that however.


Drawing a blank but who ever suggested looking in to the legal route, well that's what lit a fire under my ass to start really doing something about this. My Father is going to help us on a house, a generous gift. I don't want to end up with a house and then things start crashing down on us (no pun intended). Then things could get real ugly. So I really need to work the logistics out now with her, other than these issues she's awesome, really she is. I'm quite happy. It's just some of these important things for me are ignored, despite how much I've communicated about it. I find myself asking can I continue and the scary thing is that I know I can't.

That was me, I think, re legal.

Just don't go believing everything will be happy.

I have one word for you - VACATION!!!

My god, man, this woman IS tired!!! Are there also kids? Why are you two working so much?

If you can go on a full vacation, then take the weekend off and get to a nice spa/pool exclusive motel, with all the trimmings! Make her fall in love with you again. Flowers, wine, etc. etc.

This is a very important time for you both. You need to get to the bottom of this. Your marriage is in trouble, dude, and you better make some time to get it repaired - or make plans for the future.