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Sun 8 Jun, 2008 10:06 am
Hello, everyone!
My husband & I have been together for a little over 4 years & have been married for less than a year. The problem is, he is an abuser. Not physically, but verbally/mentally - always playing mind games. Our relationship has been rocky at best. Due to him being the way he is, I've fallen out of love with him. That may sound harsh, but I'm saying what I feel. I still care for him deeply, but more-so as a friend than anything else.
How do I know he's an abuser? I've done a lot of research via the web & have come across the same tell-tale signs time & time again. He's got an insane temper - of which, has gotten better... but it's still always there. I think I feel like I have to stay to help him. I know the way he is now directly stems from a not-so-wonderful childhood. But for my sanity, I believe I have to get out of this relationship - it's simply NOT healthy! I'd like to tell him that he needs help, but I feel this would do more damage, than good. He's talked about killing himself on more than one occasion - kind of "playfully," if there is such a thing, but he's said it nonetheless. Maybe this is something else that forces me to want to stay with him. If I left him & he ended up killing himself, that would forever weigh on my conscience.
Our fights (that he always starts) are over the same things. His jealousy & believing that I'm going to cheat on him and/or our sexual relationship. He claims his ex-wife cheated on him. I hate her & I can see her doing so, but things that have happened recently have gotten me thinking. To make matters worse, he had a son w/her & so she's never truly out of our life. As far as the sex goes, I'm simply not as sexual as he wants me to be. He wants it ALL the time & he gets really upset when I say I don't want to. Half the time I find myself just giving in so I don't have to listen to his crap. His temper is outrageous - he'll fly off the handle @ a drop of a hat. As I said before, it's gotten better... but it's still there. I'm always analyzing what I'm going to say to him before I say it - in fear he'll get mad & another fight will have surfaced.
One of our biggest fights centered around his jealousy -- and on my b-day nonetheless. My friends offered to take me out & buy me a few drinks - harmless, right? I thought so. So, I made sure to ask him WEEKS in advance if this was OK - I even invited him to come with me. He said it was fine & that he wasn't going to go b/c he had to work the next day. So, when the night came for me to go out - I was almost out the door & he made the remark, "Go enjoy f***ing whoever you're f***ing!" Whoa? Where'd that come from buddy?! As you can probably tell, my b-day was shot & so was that night. I ended up going to my parents' & crying on their shoulders. It was a horrible night & I told myself that it was over. I'm an extremely emotional person & can't handle much as far as yelling/demeaning goes. Dealing with his temper for so many years just left me emotionally drained - I couldn't handle it anymore! But, of course, I was weak & took him back. He turned everything around to make himself look better & make me feel pity for him. He loves to miscontrue my words & use them against me.
Within this past week, I found some incriminating texts from another girl in his cell phone. I was excited, b/c I figured - this was my way out. You're cheating on me, I'm leaving you - simple, right? But no, again - stupid me. A couple nights ago, we were 'fighting' about something dumb (again) & I finally told him what I knew. Well, he brushed it off - saying this girl was contacting him.. he wanted nothing to do with her.. blah, blah, blah. OK, right. You want nothing to with her, but you're TALKING to her & telling her about how I may be taking an overnight job. Right! And you have a person that you don't want to talk to on your contact list under just simply, "J!" God, how stupid do you think I am? And why would you be telling her - "Since I can't see you, can you send me a pic?" Damning enough, don't you think?! But no, I need more proof. So, I agreed to 'believe' him - or so he thinks. And currently am playing the waiting game. I've contacted the cell phone company, to see if can get copies of the full texts sent & received to his phone within the past few months. I've yet to receive an answer from them.
So, to get to the point. What would those of you do? Given the history of our relationship... I'm just spent & looking for a way out. As horrible as that sounds. I know he loves me... but is it a healthy love or an obsession? He practically smothers me with affection & tells me he loves me a million times throughout the day. I've told him he doesn't need to tell me he loves me so much - I know he does... and then he gets all upset & says... I'm sorry for loving you, jeez (more mind games to make me feel guilty). I just don't get it!
I guess I just don't know how to end it. As of now I'm either looking for evidence that he's cheating on me or waiting for a big fight to call it quits. But this seems unfair to him. He has a right to know I'm done with this relationship. But thus far everything's been OK (as they always are after our fights). I mean, he believes all is OK, but I have so much swirling through my head. I don't even know which end is up anymore! I know for my sanity, I need to get out. But how?
What he has done or has not done has no bearing on how you end it, and besides it is impossible for anyone to judge your relationship without getting to know both of you. The fact that you act like you want to be told that you are right to leave indicates that you are not sure, and you should be sure before you decide to end it.
if/when you are then you do it in the usual way, with honor. You attempt to talk to him about why you need to go, if you have any doubt about your safety you make sure that you do it in a secure setting. You also listen to what he has to say.
you have to ask him if you can go out?
You claim his dramatic behavior is forcing you to stay?
You question his anger?
You dont have to validate yourself to him, nor do you have to give him full right to tell you whether you are correct or not.
If you are un happy and uncomfortable, then the relationship is not a good one . A good relationship makes both happy.
Enough said.
It is not up toyou to get him help. You are not his mother.
but....... you know this.
Why don't you just leave if you want to? Why do you have to come up with something to tell him or find something on him, like this flirting? Just say you're not happy and you're leaving.
Or move out first and contact him later if you think he's going to go ballistic. Or have some friends help you move your stuff so he can't hurt you.
I don't know if you're afraid of him, physically, but if you're not happy, you should leave. Doesn't sound like counselling would be an option. He's a controller. He's insecure. He has lots of problems, from the sounds of it.
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Well, my problem is that I over-analyze EVERYTHING! It would be much more simpler if we weren't married. Since he has bad credit, we've taken on loans under my name for things he wants/needs. So, there's that. We're barely able to make ends meet now - how would this effect me being able to cope w/the expenses after I leave him? It would be awfully hard, I think. Not to mention, having to deal with a divorce.
It seems so simple for those not in such a relationship. Just leave - get out. But I empathize with people's feelings. And I tend to put other people's feelings before my own. I know such is wrong, but I can't help it.
I don't know - I'm just so frustrated & confused. I know I want to leave - I know I MUST leave... it's just doing it. The fact that he's thinking all is OK now is killing me. I seem to revel in the times when things are going well. I guess I'd feel like a big hyprocrite if I all of a sudden tell him I'm done & want a divorce. In reality, I suppose I am a hyprocrite....
Re: -
RainyDayz83 wrote:Well, my problem is that I over-analyze EVERYTHING! It would be much more simpler if we weren't married. Since he has bad credit, we've taken on loans under my name for things he wants/needs. So, there's that. We're barely able to make ends meet now - how would this effect me being able to cope w/the expenses after I leave him? It would be awfully hard, I think. Not to mention, having to deal with a divorce.
It seems so simple for those not in such a relationship. Just leave - get out. But I empathize with people's feelings. And I tend to put other people's feelings before my own. I know such is wrong, but I can't help it.
I don't know - I'm just so frustrated & confused. I know I want to leave - I know I MUST leave... it's just doing it. The fact that he's thinking all is OK now is killing me. I seem to revel in the times when things are going well. I guess I'd feel like a big hyprocrite if I all of a sudden tell him I'm done & want a divorce. In reality, I suppose I am a hyprocrite....
Maybe you should get some counselling.
RainyDay--
Your marriage is unsatisfactory and full of messy and humiliating loose ends.
Your divorce is going to be the same way--but with freedom at the end of the tunnel.
Your husband is not going to vanish--neither are his faults. Prince Charming is too busy to save Needy Damsels this week.
You can save yourself--or wallow in trouble.
Good luck.
Well.. you can spend time obsessing about what you HAVE done.. and forever live in the discomfort of it..
or you can accept it and move on
If you get a divorce, for example, all the debt accumilated BY HIM on your credit can be presented to a judge for examination. If it can be proven that he benefited from the money and not you,he pays for it.
You can barely make ends meet now because you and him are supporting two people.
I bet you would be fine on your own.
Separations dont have to be permanent, but they do help.
Stop looking behind you and kicking yourself for what you have done.You will fall flat on your face if you dont look where you are going..
Hello RainyDayz83 and welcome to a2k
I can see that you have been in this relationship too long. You have
been talked down to and verbally abused for such a long time, you're
emotionally scared and need help to get this unfortunate marriage
behind you.
As Mame said, counseling is an excellent idea, and you should suggest
the same to your husband. He clearly needs help and the sooner the
better, otherwise all his future relationships will suffer from it. Yet, this
should not be your concern, see to it that you get proper counseling
and please go and have a consult with a competent divorce lawyer.
He'll advise you as to your next steps, and how to handle the financial
aspect of your husband taking out loan after loan. You should not be
held liable for his wanting things he cannot afford.
I understand that you feel sorry for him and want to help him, but unless
he's willing to do so himself, you're just spinning your wheels. First,
you have to heal yourself, before you can help others.
Good luck to you!
Re: -
RainyDayz83 wrote:
I don't know - I'm just so frustrated & confused. I know I want to leave - I know I MUST leave... it's just doing it. The fact that he's thinking all is OK now is killing me. I seem to revel in the times when things are going well. I guess I'd feel like a big hyprocrite if I all of a sudden tell him I'm done & want a divorce. In reality, I suppose I am a hyprocrite....
If you feel so bad that you are sure that you want out, and he is not aware because you have not tried to tell him, you should feel bad about the way you have treated him. You don't get out of you obligations of relationship by deciding that your husband is an abuser. If you are not strong enough to stand up to him then get strong enough, get counseling. Your not standing up to him may well be the major thing that is wrong with your marriage. Maybe not, go see a counselor together and try to get to the bottom of what went wrong before you leave, otherwise the same thing will happen in future relationships.
Re: Advice Please: Inevitable Divorce
RainyDayz83 wrote: he is an abuser.
You recognize this. Good. Many victims don't or won't admit this. Very IMPORTANT first step.
So.....let's look at some more things you have said.
RainyDayz83 wrote:
He's got an insane temper - of which, has gotten better... but it's still always there.
His temper most likely hasn't gotten any better, sweetie. YOU'VE gotten better at allowing him to control you. As in.....watching what you say. Giving in to him so that things don't blow up on you.
RainyDayz83 wrote:
I know the way he is now directly stems from a not-so-wonderful childhood.
Not your problem. Don't feel sorry for him. Regardless of anything that directly influences our adulthood...we ALL have the ability to say to ourself "NO...I will not accept my behavior" and get professional help. He's not doing that. If you focus on the thought that "it's not his fault...the poor guy had such a hard upbringing" ..... you weaken your own ability to see clearly. Please do yourself a favor and get rid of that fog.
RainyDayz83 wrote:
He's talked about killing himself on more than one occasion
.
Another common thing for abusers to tell their partners. Just another power play. If he kills himself.....he kills himself. That's nothing to do with you as far as fault. That may sound harsh...but it's true. I will tell you something else .... he probably loves himself too much to kill himself. They usually do.
RainyDayz83 wrote:
His jealousy & believing that I'm going to cheat on him and/or our sexual relationship
RainyDayz83 wrote:
So, when the night came for me to go out - I was almost out the door & he made the remark, "Go enjoy f***ing whoever you're f***ing!"
Most abusers think we, the victims, are out to fu*k every single man that has a dick. Their insecurities, talking. But here is what really bothers me. He has a bad temper. He's insanely jealous. Put those two together and it can cause him to go from verbal to physical abuse in the blink of an eye. Even if he has never hit you before. Trust me, I know.
RainyDayz83 wrote:
He turned everything around to make himself look better & make me feel pity for him. He loves to miscontrue my words & use them against me.
Of course! Power....power....POWER. He loses it if he can't convince you that everything is your fault. Stop with the pity for him, girlfriend. Look at this picture head on. Why pity someone who is such an expert on manipulating you.
RainyDayz83 wrote:
I know he loves me... but is it a healthy love or an obsession?
Really? He loves you? Love, to me, is all about giving of oneself to the other in such a way that you make them happy. It is about respect. It is about growth. Two people growing WITH each other to create a love that can flow with the changes of your lives, good or bad, and survive. Love does not attempt to suffocate and control. It does not tear the other person down and weaken them as an individual.
Do you really have to ask if his "love" is healthy? Nah, you already know the answer to that.
Listen .... I used to be "you." I used to think like you. I used to rationalize and ponder like you. I used to hear every single thing that you have just told us that he says to you. And does to you. I was told what a slut I was. How I would fu*k anyone. Even male family members. On both sides. I can go on and on. He hid so much from me, till we were living together. Well, to be honest....he didn't hide as well as I used to think he did. I just looked past it, I think. I was a silly 19 year old girl that overlooked ....in the name of love.
The thing that made me stand up and leave him was the loss of a little life. I can't turn back time. Dear God if only I could. It's times like this....sitting here and reading what another victim writes and trying to find the words to help......that causes me to face things laid deep inside of me too. The pain..it never completely goes away. Not when a life is lost. Maybe he has never hit you .....but you just don't know. And it can be so extemely violent when a temper is lost. EXTREMELY. Every jealous moment and every accusation ....will be in his fists.
Please.....contact me. I will pm you my email address. We can take it off the forum from there, if you wish. Or we can keep it strickly email. Just please email me. Thank you
Ahhhhhhh
the perfect voice of reason.
Listen to her words.
Read them twice
then pack your bags while you recite them
Do you need to make excuses inside your head for everything you do, or do you know who you are and why you do it? (if you don't know yourself, find yourself)
How would you describe your actions around him?
Do you want to be that person?
Do you have to pay?
Do you have to suffer?
Do you need to justify owning your life?
.....................
Do his actions match his words?
What do his actions tell you (about who he is)?
I'd start by calling up my close friends and asking them out for a meal. Or one real close friend.
Lay it on the table and ask for support. Tell her what you want to do.
Others here have good advice: speak to a lawyer, seek a councillor, practicalities of starting out on a new track.
I think things really start happening once you decide you want out as much as think you should for sanity's and safety's reasons.
Once you know you want it, really feel wanting it and start moving in that direction, nothing will stop you from doing what you need to for yourself.
Getting your friend(s) on board - that declares your intent. If you haven't yet, that 's one thing you could do right away.
The thing is once you tell someone who loves you, really cares for you and is acting in your best interests, what you are trying to do - you are no longer in this alone.
You no longer will stay simply bc it is the mode, the easiest thing to do now, to fall back after a fight.
You'll need back up for a while. People here are good - just don't underestimate how much the other people in your real life are willing to do for you (and how much a kinder eye they will look at you than you may be looking at yourself right now!).
Brooke, listen to Brooke. And Vikorr and Mushy and Shewolf..
Don't just freak, as that can be dangerous. Do talk with Brooke or someone as knowledgeable as Brooke to give you useful advice.
Get your ducks in a row. As in, packing, finances, talking to your family, your friends, asking for whatever help you can get, all with one aim, and one aim only:
to get outta there.
Then do it.
There is no reason you can't use the coming weeks/months to do both, plan the transition and figure out how you got yourself into this situation so that you can avoid doing it again.
"The big incident/turning point" has not come (yet) for this gal.
What is she waiting for? A split lip? Bankruptcy? For him to change? Another "white Knight" to rescue her?
She is still "building her case" for leaving him. Not quite there, yet.
Stay tuned . . .
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