Cheating on your spouse can be more of a blessing than a sin

I don't think I buy the book's premise (uh, what is that exactly?) as a generalization, as I understand it from a flickering read of the thread second post... but I do figure that many people take the step into an affair for a lot of different reasons and once in a while it could be a healthy move.

A part of me also says that we don't own each other, even in marriage, though I do think vows are meaningful and should be followed.. or get off the pot.

I feel that my ranting about dishonesty in marriage would be a little bit like complaining about weather, human nature being what it is and has been and shall be.

I personally agree with trying to work out the marriage relationship before an affair, and separating if that can't happen - but life doesn't always synchronize that way. And I gather cultures differ on this too.. cultures or microcultures differ on what marriage is about.

As I age and childbearing isn't an issue for my peers I can see not marrying, staying in a relationship based on commitment sans legalities other than whatever the couple agree to re property purchase, will, etc.
I suppose that can be gnarly too.

I do remember a friend of mine announcing at a girls' get together in the late sixties (girls right then not being a neg to say) that she and her boy friend had decided to marry for tax reasons (they did also love each other), and that their commitment would last as long as they felt committed. Big bruhaha discussion followed...

They're still married. Forty years. Very happy, far as I ever saw.

While i do not agree with the theory in whole, I do think that she is on to something; we don't owe our mates all of us, and sometimes what is best for the relationship should trump what is best for our mate. Also, if intimacy in the marriage was improved over the recent past and I suspected that the reason my wife was closer and more sexual was because she was cheating I probably would not work very hard to find out.

If a spouse cheats, and the other spouse never finds out about it, then they will never be hurt. If the cheater does not suffer from guilt then they will not be hurt either. If the marriage is better because of the cheating, for what ever positive dynamic is at work, and neither individual is hurt, then the net is a positive result.

Hawk, I'm sorry, but being gone ALMOST makes me appreciate your inane circular bullshit...

RH

On guilty feelings, well, if one made vows and didn't have some other pact re non exclusivity, I think guilt is a reasonable consideration if the affair is acted out. Saying that with the aside rather like Phoenix was commenting, there can be circumstances many of us could understand.

I am curious about this...

Do you actually have to cheat? Or, does your spouse have to just think you are cheating.

It seems to me if you lead your spouse to think you had an affair, without actually having one, you could get all of the benefits to your marriage without facing the guilt of having broken a vow.

Well, every relationship is as unique as the people involved. There just isn't
one recipe applicable for all.

One marriage might benefit from an affair, another one might break
from it. Each couple needs to decide on their own what they can do
in order to make their marriage work, and what works for the Millers
might not work for the Joneses.

Honestly - it wouldn't be the the affair that would bother me as much as this attitude that it's okay to usurp another person's right to the knowledge of what is happening in their own life.

But maybe that's just me, because I'd rather my partner said to me, 'I'd like to have sex with someone else,' and even go through with it- than for me to maybe find out- and possibly years down the line- that my life as I viewed it - didn't exist. That there was a whole different aspect of it that I didn't know about and wasn't given the respect by my partner to say either yes or no to and retain control over.

That's the inexcusably arrogant and selfish part of this to me. That a person truly believes that they have the right to retain information that truly belongs just as rightfully to another- your partner IS your relationship Hawkeye. They have just as much right to know what it really is as you do.

Sex is sex - honesty and trust are something else (more valuable in a lot of ways) entirely.

And again, maybe it's just me- but if I were living a secret life and lying about it, I'd find it impossible to look my children in the eyes and tell them to be honest, considerate, human beings who need to be respectful of others- especially their father.

I'm surprised Hillary Clinton hasn't weighed in on this thread.

Hmm. I wonder if Walt is out looking for a someone willing to have an affair with him.

This could take awhile.

You mean for you to find an affordable plane ticket to Germany?

No thanks, not gay, and there's no public golf courses there.

I don't know, cjhsa. He does seem to spend a lot of time directly behind you.

?

You mean here on A2K?

LOL - old Walt's a troll, for sure.

Cheating in any form is wrong, plain wrong.

Sleeping with other people while being committed to one is considered cheating. Why is it even considered cheating in the first place? If I can have more than one sibling, more than one child, more than one cousin, more than one uncle, more than one aunt.. why cannot I have more than one sleeping partner? Why is that considered cheating whereas others are not?

Is it because religion preaches so? Is it because we have grown to believe in monogamy? Is it one way we differentiate ourselves from the animals who ofcourse only believe in polygamy.

Why does sharing your spouse with someone else considered cheating.. thoughts?

Take my wife... please!

Well I have lived on both ends of this debate now first hand, I will say when it comes to cheating there is no KINDEST way to do it.
There is no good answer to this issue, you can take sides all day, you can say that there was something missing that drove the cheater to cheat.
you can say there is no excuse communication should be there to work it out before that
you can say sometimes the victim does't want to hear whats wrong.
you can say the cheater doesn't love them or that the cheater does love them
What I have found what I have lived is there is no black or white to this question. I have been lied to and found out and its just as painful as being told to my face.
I have also done the same in return and on both ends its just devastating the emotional repercussions of cheating are heartbreaking on both ends.... yes I said both ends

When marriage is in total failure, cheating on the wife might not be the answer but it feels so great...

Issues once considered as black and white are now seen by me as shades of grey.

I know of two marriages that are still together in spite of long lasting side affairs. One that has been going on for over 25 years! Another is the woman tolerating chronic affairs. She just waits til her sex addict comes home.

A more interesting topic is why and how people stay together.

No, if you cheat once it leaves the door open to do it again!!! The next time the person is late home or cannot be reached on a cell guess what the light bulb comes on!!

The dimmer switch's tits?