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Close to 1 1/2 years ago I reconnected with a girl Id had 1 date with in high school. for some reason in the intervening 32 years she'd come to mind from time to time and it would make me feel good. We have been working on the relatioship from both near and far. She is in the Midwest me on the East Coast. We had been alone and not in a relationship for 10 years more or less. This past Christmas while visiting she had to go to work and I was at her home. She told me that if I wanted to see where she had travelled to just look at any of the photo albums as they were more or less her Life story until now. I went and picked one out and it literally broke my Heart. It was her and one of the men she'd dated for several years before and when he left, he left her with a "gift" that flares up on occasion. When I told her that not only the pictures of the other men she'd been with but the notes she kept were in effect a summary of the jockeys that rode her. She said well as much as you'd like to think you're the first I did date. Then she kinda ran down her dating history,without prompting, and amognst her experiences was a 2 year affair with a married friends husband and another to a man who told her he saw this woman at the gym and he wanted to sleep with her and he did but she stayed with him. I am having trouble reconciling the things she said at first when we reconnected that she was an introvert and shy. But if that is so why have an affair with a married man, a man who tells you he is bedding another but wants you to stay and a man whom she knew was into conquests of "gringa" cruise ship tourists? I explained to her once my relationships ended all the pictures and such were put away and eventually done away with. i don't feel the need to keep the pictures of the mares I rode especially if I'm in a new relatiuonship. Was I wrong to say anything? Can an introvert also be shy and have an affair or as she said some nights she'd target certain men to see if she could bed them. While alot of these events took place in her 20's and 30's, we're both 50 now, is there reason for me to worry or am I being a jerk? I know that for the 2 of us and from me I have expressed to her that for the 1st time in my Life I feel as Loved as I wanted to Love someone and could not, now, imagine a future with out her im my Life. Should I just let it go and move forward or are these things that may indicate trouble down the road for us? I only ask as I am seriously considering asking for her hand in marriage. Neither of us has ever been married and as such I'd like it to be the only time I marry. Any guidence would be appreciated.

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You may not feel the need to keep pics from your time in previous relationships but that that's YOU - not her. Do you expect her to just wipe the years between high school and now out of her memory and pretend that they didn't exist? For most people pictures mean more than just the people represented in them. If she's got a pic then it probably relates to a vacation trip she took or someplace she went, special events, etc... Those events themselves may mean as much as the people that were there with her for them.

Introvert and shy doesn't mean a nun hiding the convent basement. Most people that are shy tend to be perfectly "normal" amongst people they know well and are comfortable with.

My only advice to you would be this: She keeps her pics! Make sure you look descent in any she takes! They may come back to haunt you in 20 or 30 years.... But hey, what do I know, I'm not in my 50s. I'm only 47! Oh, and stop being a jerk. Razz

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I am well aware that we can't wipe out the past so in that regard I feel you may have missed the point. While I do understand the reference to memories and such I would not ask her to get rid of the photo albums either. Again my query was not to be called a jerk or lambasted. If your spouse had photos and pages of notes on that person or what they expressed to the other or how wonderful the Love making was. Would it not at the very last cause you to ask,"Why keep these notes/references still?" As for introvert/shy I do understand it doesn't mean being a nun, but when someone says ,"I don't like being the center of attention or being noticed." but then proceeds to describe the way they'd "troll" the singles bars to "catch the eye" of certain men then is that not a contadiction? or having an affair with a friends husband? Surely that is not "normal" or is infidelity on his part and her part acceptable? Again I'm not looking to fight just to understand how what she has said and did point to the future. And as far as age well I have met old fools and wise children so it, age, means nothing.

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Actually the affair with the married man goes right along with the shyness on some level. After all, if you're not interested in going out in the world and getting what you want (or you're too afraid to), you might very well settle for half a relationship. A relationship where you probably never go out, and the main thing that happens are that physical needs are met. I wouldn't read anything into that.

As for the trolling singles bars things and then her telling you that she's shy, perhaps the word shy is incorrect. Perhaps what she really means is that she's more reserved and cautious now. That would make more sense, that she's learned from her past experiences and doesn't plunge headlong into sex or anything else because she's been burned before. She's changed in the last 40 whatever years and that should come as no great shock as I suspect you've changed a little, too.

As for the pictures and the notes, etc., those are pieces of paper, aren't they? Unless you know for sure that she's either after someone else or looking to respark any of those older relationships, then it's just so much paper. Those are her memories, in writing or in photographic format. Nothing else. Unless you know she's going to act on those things, they don't mean much more than her old Girl Scout badges or a program from a play she saw 20 years ago.

Me, I've got plenty of photos of old flames. Those don't exist to hurt my husband or to make him jealous or for me to compare him to them or leave him for them or anything of the sort. I keep them because (a) they are a part of my past and (b) heh, I haven't been that thin in a while. Smile

I say: none of it matters. You say you love her. You say she loves you. Is that not enough?

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I have photographs of some of my old boyfriends.
I have a few love letters from my first husband.
I even have my first wedding ring. Not too long ago I finally threw away a button down shirt I had worn for years that a one night stand left at my home.

My husband has seen these things.
He has even gone out of his way before to collect them and put them away because I may have forgotten to put them up myself.

They dont detract from our relationship. They are not my relationship.
They are memories.

If my husband were to feel intimidated by these things, I would not have married him. To me that amount of insecurity scares me.

what has she done before this that makes you trust her feelings so little that those trinkets bother you?

Everyone has trinkets. No one has to share.
I hear you that you are not asking her to remove them. But I also hear that they bother you.. but I am truly not sure why?

Are you worried about being compared?
Well.. sorry.. everyone compares everyone TO everyone :wink:
Thats kinda human.

Are you worred that she may be thinking about THEM while you guys have sex?
Again.. sorry.. it happens. And it is nothing to feel bothered about.
REALLY! it isnt!
Trust me on this .
I think about a lot of things when I am with my husband, and none of it is insulting. its pure fun.

Maybe I am missing the point, but I would hope that you would not feel too bad too long over these trinkets , that could be very damaging.

Good luck to you .

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davidc1 wrote:

I am well aware that we can't wipe out the past so in that regard I feel you may have missed the point. While I do understand the reference to memories and such I would not ask her to get rid of the photo albums either. Again my query was not to be called a jerk or lambasted.

I didn't call you a jerk or lambast you. (Maybe you missed the little smiley face there? I was playing off your own line there...)

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If your spouse had photos and pages of notes on that person or what they expressed to the other or how wonderful the Love making was. Would it not at the very last cause you to ask,"Why keep these notes/references still?"

I don't have a spouse but I do have a loverly woman that I'm in a relationship with and she has tons of photos and albums (a bit of a photography nut!). To be honest I've never looked on the back of them to see if she'd written anything at all on them. But even so, what does what she may have written 10 or 20 years ago matter to you? In effect, she's showing you her diary. It doesn't mean she still has feelings for them now.

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As for introvert/shy I do understand it doesn't mean being a nun, but when someone says ,"I don't like being the center of attention or being noticed." but then proceeds to describe the way they'd "troll" the singles bars to "catch the eye" of certain men then is that not a contadiction?

Nope. I don't like to be the center of attention either but I see a distinction between being the center of 20-30 people's attention and being the object of one person's attention. Not the same things at all.

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or having an affair with a friends husband? Surely that is not "normal" or is infidelity on his part and her part acceptable?

Well, I'd call that just plain sleazy on both their parts but...

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Again I'm not looking to fight just to understand how what she has said and did point to the future.

I suppose there are several options as to what it all means. Maybe she trusts you completely and has made herself an open book to you? Or perhaps she's a bit more umm... sexually adventurous than you (or what you are used to) and just doesn't like to let the cat out of the bag so to speak (i.e. her being "shy"). Have you tried asking her what it means (if anything!)?

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Hmm
Okay in that context it makes sense and yes in the temporal sense it's only paper and nothing else. Maybe because I try to leave the past in it's place and carry no "memories" other than mental images it is no different. What I will say is that since we have reconnected I truly can'i recall the faces of the 4 previous women I was with. May perhaps I need to reflect more and not react in the emotional way I did. I do agree that we both Love the other should be not only enough but more than enough. Thank You.

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Re: Hmm

davidc1 wrote:

What I will say is that since we have reconnected I truly can'i recall the faces of the 4 previous women I was with.

One of these days, you will miss that memory.

If you thought enough of someone to love them, lay in bed with them, and share parts of your life with them, then a memory should be of no shame. For either one of you Smile

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Thanks for the clarification. For me when we first reconnected I'd pretty much had packed it in so to speak. I had made the choice NOT to fall in love or be in a relationship ever again. But as they say,"Man plans and God laughs.", since we started I know without any doubt my Life is enriched by her being in my Life. As for the over reaction obviously i missed it so my apologies.

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Re: Hmm

shewolfnm wrote:

davidc1 wrote:
What I will say is that since we have reconnected I truly can'i recall the faces of the 4 previous women I was with.

One of these days, you will miss that memory.

If you thought enough of someone to love them, lay in bed with them, and share parts of your life with them, then a memory should be of no shame. For either one of you

You are correct and while it may seem for me to say I do remember them in a still frame type of way and that memory is usually on the occasion of our first date. But like many people being in the relationship doesn't always equal being Loved. My ex-Japanese g/f nd I parted on good terms. One I found in bed with another man, the other said i was not "jealous" enough and the last one 10 years or so ago said she could do better than me. So maybe the reason I "blurred" the images but in a part of my being they were once Loved and Cherished.

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I'm not sure why, but your reference to jockeys and mares bothers me, even offends me. From that context alone, I'm leaning towards jerk. That, and the idea that once you've finished riding the mares in your life any material reminders of the relationship is discarded. Somehow this all seems very.... unhealthy, emotionally.

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Welcome to A2K, david.

You can't alter the fact that your g/f had previous relationships. I'm not really sure why this bothers you so much. You said yourself that most of her past happened many, many, MANY years ago. Yet - there seems to be some sort of relationship destroying jealousy here. Not to mention self destructive.

You seem to be worried that the past things she has done, all those years ago, are a reflection of her "today." I think you know that's BS. If she was still so enveloped in her past.....it wouldn't be her past. From what you say, things have calmed down for her.

If you can sort your concerns into things you "can" change.......and things you " can not" change ... that might help you.

I don't think you should even think about getting married till you have that worked out. Your relationship is doomed until you do.

Also......I agree with what JPB just said.

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Hello,

That was a really interesting post. One of the things we people struggle with is accepting differences - we want someone just like us, but then we'd get bored with someone just like us.

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When I told her that not only the pictures of the other men she'd been with but the notes she kept were in effect a summary of the jockeys that rode her. She said well as much as you'd like to think you're the first I did date.

If you'd used those exact words (and if I was a/the girl receiving them), there would have been one hell of a fight, and probably the end of the relationship. To me it displays a lack of personal respect for the other.

As for the the actual emotion behind it, that is more understandable. It would be hard to look at. At the same time, she is not you. Have you asked her why she keeps the photos, or did you choose to make up your own mental story as to why she keeps them? Would you judge her if she told you the reasons, or accept them as who she is?

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Then she kinda ran down her dating history,without prompting, and amognst her experiences was a 2 year affair with a married friends husband and another to a man who told her he saw this woman at the gym and he wanted to sleep with her and he did but she stayed with him.

It sounds like she was trying to teach you something about who she is. Have you asked her why she said this?

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I am having trouble reconciling the things she said at first when we reconnected that she was an introvert and shy.

May I ask why? Are you as a person single faceted, or multi-faceted? Have you ever experienced wanting to do something on the one hand, while not wanting to do it on the other hand? Do you experience internal competing interests? We aren't simple beings.

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But if that is so why have an affair with a married man, a man who tells you he is bedding another but wants you to stay and a man whom she knew was into conquests of "gringa" cruise ship tourists?

Only she can answer that....there are many reasons that I could think up, and they'd all be guesses. If you really want to know, ask her. It seems she's quite upfront and honest about it.

And it achieves nothing taking guesses that are likely going to be wrong.

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I explained to her once my relationships ended all the pictures and such were put away and eventually done away with. i don't feel the need to keep the pictures of the mares I rode especially if I'm in a new relatiuonship. Was I wrong to say anything?

Not at all, that is the way you feel, and you have every right to feel that way....just as she has every right to feel the way she does about the pictures she keeps.

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is there reason for me to worry or am I being a jerk?

Trick question. You can worry and not be a jerk, or you can worry and be a jerk - the last part is up to how you approach it. As for whether or not you have to worry - there's nothing you've written that suggests you've a cause for worry...but you can't have included all the info regarding your relationship (that'd take forever for anyone).

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If your spouse had photos and pages of notes on that person or what they expressed to the other or how wonderful the Love making was. Would it not at the very last cause you to ask,"Why keep these notes/references still?"

Are you in a spousal relationship with her?

As for why keep them - she told you - it's her life story. Should she pretend she doesn't have a past that made her who she is today? Should she hide her life story, or be embarassed by it? Do mistakes make her less? Do her victories make her more? She is who she is, and I've little doubt she'll tell you the same.

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