Thought I should tell it to someone just like it was

your mum was unfair, simply you feel in the dumps because you lost your right to see your mother one last time or be at her funeral, peace be with you

Sakhi

My condolences to you and your family. You did honour your mother's wishes. I hope that you will find some peace for that reason.

We can't make you feel better - but there are people here who you can talk to - just write down how you feel so you can get whatever thoughts you wish to share, out there, so people can listen and maybe help you come to terms with the loss you are feeling and for whatever reasons.

Tell it how it is... it's the only way - you aren't being judged here for whatever feelings you do or don't have - people are here to listen ...

don't know you hun - but sending you a hug ((xox))

My condolences, sakhi.

Don't feel down - your mother had had her life, and the death she had wanted.
Your life goes on.

Hello Sakhi. It sounds like your mother was in a terrible place. She sounds very unhappy. I don't know any of the details (depressed, mental problems?) and who knows why this is what she wanted, keeping you all away, but you did as she asked and that's all you could have done.

Remember that she walked her own path just as you are the only one walking yours and now her journey's done. I hope she finds peace wherever she is and that you find yours with this.

I feel your sorrow and all I can really say is "This too shall pass".


(((((sakhi))))

Sakhi--

You have my sympathy.

I suspect your Mother chose to let her rage survive her. Rage is an unkind legacy but perhaps her ghost will rest more comfortably without the rage she carried through life.

Of course you and your father and your brothers will have to cope, but you've always had to cope.

Eventually your mother and her death and her rage will either make sense or they won't matter. While you're waiting for the healing that will come with time and common sense, don't be afraid to be absolutly ruthless about tucking your Mother's rage in a convenient corner where it won't be in your way.

She chose her legacy--you choose the way to keep and display (or hide) that legacy.

Hold your dominion.

I remember some of the situation, Sakhi. My sympathy to you and your father and her brothers. May you have rest and peace with this.

It will be rest for her as well.

Sakhi, I'm sorry you are going through this. It is indeed a sad ending for all. At least now you and your family can start to heal.

Thanks everyone...

Yes, my mother was in a terrible place. She badly needed help for her really severe mental/psychological issues...she was paranoid, very cruel , jealous, verbally and physically highly abusive, a religious fanatic, money-crazy, and promiscuous. Not exaggerating.
But everything she did for me comes back to me. I wish I wasn't born from her. I wish she hadn't cuddled me or taken care of me when I had measles. I wish I could forget her touch and smell.

And I'm so shaken by her death.
I have seen people die. But nobody I know has had such a painful (physically), bloody death and days of acute pain and suffering.

I'm so shaken also because her favorite abuse to my dad was "i hope your lungs fill up with blood, i hope you cough yourself out to death". That's exactly how she died. (Wegener's granulomatosis - lungs did not stop bleeding despite 1 year of treatment with the latest drugs...)

I'm sorry i'm saying such grossly ugly things. I feel like i'm going mad...remembering all this ugliness. I keep wondering why only my mother was so unbelievably horrible.
I really do want to get her out of my system.

Hey Sakhi

I have just seen you post hun. I think you describing not only your mother's passing - but all that went before it too - as being painful and hurtful towards you and your loved ones for however long.

We all have hearts - but when we have been hurt and abused (verbally I mean, by things people who are supposed to love us and simply we should "not talk/feel that" - then it is very hard to try and bring together the thoughts of "I should feel sad" or "I shouldn't feel this way about the passing of my mother" to the fore. Your grief/anger - is yours. You own it - no-one can tell you how to feel right now - and don't be hard on yourself for the mixed emotions you are having. You will get through this with time.

Just as the rage that your mother had, they were her feelings and may never be understood - she owned them. They were put out towards your father as you have described - but she owned those feelings. You don't have to accept them. Tho I know it is hard not to think of them.



This must be so very a difficult time for you - all the more so because it is hard to simply forget the harshness of the things that have happened in the past, or wish to remember any good times which would bring you some peace.

I don't think it is possible Sakhi to just "get it out of your system". These feelings will take time to work through - and you must allow yourself the time. I can't imagine how you feel. I can certainly empathise with what you saying - so please keep talking - as I said before - it's not in judgement - we all have so many mixed up emotions and if you can get put them down and maybe someone can help you find a way of putting them to rest - for you.

Sometimes, from what I have seen and know personally - when the feelings are there, which in "normal everyday lives" it's hard for others to understand. Sometimes I see that when the feelings hurt so bad - it's easier to believe that if you just wish them away to that you "don't feel" - then that makes it easier. The only way to get rid of the "ugliness" is to try and push it to the back as if it never happened.

The same goes at times for good things to - if you lose someone whom you desperately care about and love all that is good about them and they go - they either leave or pass away - sometimes even then with a very pure and beautiful love it's easier to try and wish you could just forget, get it out of your system and forget it - as if it never happened.

.... just so it doesnt hurt. It's easier not to feel.

What I'm trying to say - is the feelings you have - good or bad - they are your emotions - you cannot forget, you cannot "NOT" deal - but you must try to allow yourself the time to comes to terms to what's happened. Try not to focus on the "ugliness" - I won't say try and think of "good" things because I think that would be patronising your obvious pain that you are in.... (maybe not patronising - I can't think of another word) - you need to give yourself time.

Say what you feel, say how it is - just write it down - it doesn't matter what it looks like or how people perceive it - you are in pain here hunni - and you need to sift out the bits you can deal with right this minute - and in time work through the rest.

Everything going on inside your head is a jumble of past and present - describing memories as a child to the last moments - your pain is huge. Let folk see if they can help you to find YOUR way of working through this. I don't think folk here are counsellors. But it's good sometimes, if you wish - just to put it down and say the words out loud, instead of having them churn over inside your head...

((Sakhi))


(only my opinion whilst talking to you here)

Sakhi--

Do you miss your mother as she was? Or does her death mean that you've been deprived of the potential for a different, more loving relationship with her?

Remember, she had her life. Your life is about you, now.

Hi Sakhi,

I remember other stories about your mother, and how very difficult she has been. I'm so sorry that difficulty extended right through her death.

You are a favorite poster of mine, someone who is good-hearted and honest and complex... I think you can see this as an accomplishment, that you are who you are against that kind of a backdrop.

But I understand how very hard this must be for you.

I'm back after a weekend hiatus....and feeling much better. Read your posts just before leaving and mulled over it - a bit calmly since i was in serene surroundings...



No Noddy, I neither miss her nor did I have any hope of a good relationship if she were alive today. In fact, I am not grieving her death. But the violence of her death and of my childhood that involved her.

As Izzie said rightly....my mind is a jumble of past and present. And yes, I'm trying not to focus on the ugliness.

Thank you for those kind words, sozobe. But I'm always afraid that I might have learnt something from her. I wish the physical similarities between me and her werent there.

Anyway i think i'm on my way to forgetting this. I was going mad last week when I posted this because people were calling to give their sympathy and I really didnt want to talk about it.

((((Thanks. As always ))))

Sakhi--

Could you be mourning the hurt child in yourself as well as the hurt child who happened to be your mother?

No Noddy.
That's certainly not it. I'm not sure if I have a hurt child inside me still.
But she was certainly not just a hurt child who became an abusive person.

No - she was positively evil - just like a male paedophile or one of those murderers who kill for the thrill of it. I do not say this because I hate her or because i'm angry with her...I am not - I am only sorry for her.

She used and destroyed people but I feel sorry for her because I'm sure she had serious mental issues. You must have trouble believing that such a person existed.

The only nice things that I can think of her as a person was that she was attractive, very very sharp, and was musically gifted. As a mother, she did "take care" of my needs (food, cuddling, care during sickness etc) and that lingers in my mind (unfortunately).

I'm ashamed of her. Disgusted with myself that i was born from her. She haunts my thoughts. I'm not sure if I'm becoming more disturbed after her death or if I am getting over her.

Either way, you're sorting out the past and trying to achieve balance.

I can believe in truly evil people. I've met them. I'm very fortunate in that no one with whom my roots are tangled is a truly evil person--although there are a few selfish me-firsters.

Remember, the oyster creates pearls, not because the oyster loves beauty, but because the oyster is coming to terms with a sharp-sided irritant.

Hold your dominion.

Good image there, Noddy.

<understanding to Sahki>

Thanks you for those very kind words. And yes, it's a lovely image ...

Sorry to hear about your loss, Sakhi. You have tremendous strength. You will sail through this as well. Best wishes.

Hi LoveMyFamily..

I see we have answered each other's posts simultaneously. Good to see you...!

Thanks. though I don't think I'm a particularly strong person - It's just these trying circumstances that practically force me to be strong.