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Mon 28 Apr, 2008 10:27 pm
Hi all
Been a few weeks, sorry! School and work are kicking my ass.
that said, for those that dont know me, im fairly adept at giving advice, but i have my own screwy little situation. To be brief, there's a married gu ive had an off and on affair with for four years and I'm realizing it is doing nothing but making me miserable.
Perhaps I am just desperately seeking a distraction, but I've been known to do crazy spontaneous things back in the day, though it has been a while. Before i tell you the crazy thing i am pondering , i shall give some background info.
See, there's this boy that lives in England. He's friends with a friend of mine that is from there. When I visited her last August in London, I met him. Didn't speak to him much. When I got back to NY, he sent me a message on facebook just being chatty. Chatty became flirty, Flirty became downright sexy messages. We spoke for four months almost every day whether email or phone or text. I went to London in January for three weeks. We got on great. Spent all the time I could with him. He's actually (the shock!) a genuinly nice, sweet, intelligent, caring and just really really nice guy. I like his laid back nature, his european air (he's half spaniard, half british, but gew up in england). He's absolutely drop dead sexy, in my opinion, with those dark spanish looks and cute english accent, and physically speaking, we were quite the match once he got over his initial nervousness! Which, by the way, I thought was so cute. He spent four months talking to me online, and when we finally met face to face again and were alone he was so nervous he didnt know what to do with me (he quickly got over that tho ;-). I sufficiently helped him to break in his new apartment. tee hee hee).
My last night there, we all went out, big group of us mutual friends. he got very drunk, and consequently, ill. I went home with him, and after waiting for him to be done puking , we crawled into bed together and lay there just hugging, he buried his face in my neck and just hugged me really tight and stayed like that the rest of the night. Me, the ever sex-crazed one, was dissapointed he was too sick to um....perform, bu strangely it was for the best because i got to see him at this bare, emotionally naked vulnerable moment. He said, out of no where, "I really like that you are here with me right now". It doesnt sound like much when typed, but it sounded so sincere. You have to understand that he is NOT the type to express his feelings easily, at ALL.
Now, for a litltle background info....me and him are both 25. He was in a five year relationship with the same girl up until april of last year. She moved from England to NY ( which is coincidentally where I live), and told him it was temporary and that she was just going to go to school here and go back to England. Well, after a few months here, she dumped him. After being with him for five years she broke up with him and basically gave no explanation. In his mind, she broke up with him because of the distance, even though due to conversations with mutual friends of hers and mine, I know better. She just wasn't into the relatinship anymore. So , suffice to say, his last memory of NY is coming to visit her, flying out here to see her for valentine's day, and her ignoring him and subsequently dumping him.
I can't tell him i know that she just didnt love him anymore, but when we were talking one morning in bed, he said, in a rare moment of revelation into his thinking, that "distance tore apart two people that knew each other so well, how would we ever make it work when you live so far away?"
I really really like him and feel that he could feel the same way if he gave it a chance, but the idea that another girl who is far away and who also just happens to be in NY could break his heart does not appear to sit well in his mind. He said, after I left, that he didnt see how it could go anywhere because of the distance. He still talks to me, though.
I picked such a bad situation here with the married guy, and I don't want to think I am grasping to someone else just to get my mind off of him, but who knows. i do know that besides the married guy, this guy in London is the only person I've genuinly liked in quite some time and i want to know him more because i think if he sees me some more he'll get past this fear and realize i am not like his stupid ex girlfriend, i wont break hi heart the way she did! (honestly, how can you just dump someone after five years without even really saying anything????!)
I hate to think that a coupling of two such compatible people could be lost just because we are in different countries right now.....i mean, the flight to London is as long as it takes me to drive to washington DC or upstate NY or whatnot
To be fair, I am trying to get a visa to go work in London for a year, but I dont think i would live there forever. I want to try living abroad but my family is here in america and i could not live away from them permanently. I dont think he has the same issue on being close to family.
OK, well, here is my crazy idea. It sounds romantic in theory, and to be fair if someone did that for me i would be flattered and happy, but i dunno, its still a little crazy i guess. i asked a few guys i know, and they all said they would be flattered if "a hot chick i liked flew across the world to ask me to go to spain with her"
I had this crazy idea to fly out to London one weekend, to tell him before hand that I am sending him something that he needs to be home to sign for, just to casually find out if he will be around on the weekend. If he is, I would fly to London. Instead of the mailman, when he anwers the door, its me. I tell him i decided to come on a whim and want to go to spain (only hour flight away, and he has family in spain so he is quite familiar with it). Or italy or france, whatever, they are all close by. Then I would ask him to come to spain with me. I would say this is not some request for relationship status, but that we have been intimate and like each other on some level and enjoy each other's company, and that I would like him to come with me for a weekend and just not think and just have fun.
I already asked him, if we saw each other, would we be still on the same intimate level, or just platonic, andhe said it was up to me, as long as i didnt feel hurt or confused by an intimate relationship because he didnt feel he was ready for another relationship so soon and especially the distance bothered him.
I dont know what I expect to come out of it. Maybe secretly hope he'll realize what he's missing. :-) If he said no, i would be dissapointed, but traveling alone isn't something that scares me, i would gladly explore a city on my own. But obviously, i would hope he'd agree to come with me.
I know this sounds like something that only works in the movies, but as they say, you never regret the things you do, it's always the things you don't do.....
Has anyone out there ever done anything crazy like this (and even better, it actually worked :-)? )
Feel free to tell me Im a crazy, idiotic, romanticized, fool. You are, most likely, correct.
cheers people
:-) xxx
Do it. Go to Barcelona. You sound like a lovely girl. He is so lucky.
I probably would not do it, but if you don't expect anything from it, you cannot lose!
So go for it!
Phoenix32890 wrote:Quote:I picked such a bad situation here with the married guy, and I don't want to think I am grasping to someone else just to get my mind off of him, but who knows?
LostGirl811 - If you can answer your question, you already know the answer. I think that your nom de net is also very telling. It all sounds wildly romantic, but think it through before you consider going. You don't want to go from one bad situation to another.
Pheonix:
Lol, ah, if only answering my own questions were so easy I wouldn't be here asking! ;-) No I do not think it is only an attempt to get my mind off married man, because this past week or two I haven't been depressed over married man, I've been feeling revelation. His mother came over from Europe to visit him and his family last week, and so I have not heard or seen from him in two weeks, and it's one of those slap-in-the-face things that says "his family comes first, you will never mean anything, move the hell on".
It's funny, because those four months that I was speaking to the London guy I didnt feel the need to meet up with married guy at all. Someone else interested me and it was nice, and that person was interested back.
I like the spontaneous romanticism of my idea and like I said, if it was someone that I did like, even if I wasn't sure I wanted to BE with them, the idea of someone going to that length would either vastly flatter someone....or totally freak them out. I personally would be really flattered. I just would hope London guy would react in the former way! I suppose I can try to do a little subtle "digging" to see what he thinks....I have contact with his best friend/flatmate....think I should ask him anything?
it's hard to speak to london guy as often as I used to. He moved into a new flat three months ago and hasn't bothered to install internet at home so rarely, if ever, checks email anymore aside from work email. I don't want to call him everyday as that would seem weird.....
I spoke to him yesterday very briefly because I need him to do me a small favour that he said he'd gladly do for me, so I called him during the day with the intent of leaving a message on his voicemail as he NEVER picks up his mobile at work, but to my surprise he answered and was friendly and I think I was the nervous idiotic one, stuttering and saying "oh, im so sorry, i didnt want to bother you at work" and him laughing and saying that it was really no bother. I was the one to get off the phone, as I tend to get very nervous sometimes. I think he would have stayed talking a bit longer.
I dunno. In the evening my romanticism and idealistic visions seem grand, but in the morning I wonder if I a) have the nerve to do things like this anymore and b) could i really handle it well if he basically said, sorry, it's not happening? I guess that's a risk only I can decide, but it's still nice to hear from other people.....
Would be curious to know from men out there, as they do seem to have their own little perceptions :-) If a girl you had hooked up with previously, and who otherwise liked on some level, did what I was thinking about doing, would you go with her for the weekend, or would you just be like, no dude, you're crazy?
I'm not a guy, but yes, this is what I was going to say:
Quote: b) could i really handle it well if he basically said, sorry, it's not happening?
Basically, a cost-benefit analysis. If you've spent all that money (airfare to London, airfare X 2 and hotel in Italy or wherever) and put yourself on the line like that and he says no, then...? Will you be devastated (and out of some much needed cash?) Will you sigh but ultimately be fine (emotionally and financially)?
Also, what are you going for, ultimately?
If he says "yes," and you go, and it's wonderful, what do you think will happen after that?
Are you content with the vacation being its own thing, or do you want to use it to ratchet up your relationship?
If it's the latter, I urge caution. It sounds like the underlying issues would still be there -- he'll be in London, you'll be in NY, and he's averse to a long-distance relationship.
Yes, face it, this guy has no inclination for the internet! :wink:
Be careful what you say to UK Immigration. They are very wary of translantic romances. Make sure you have a return ticket and evidence that you will return to the USA and won't overstay your visa. Best not to mention the guy at all.
contrex wrote: They are very wary of translantic romances.
Bonjour Contrex,
One never knows where these romances stay
at..
contrex wrote:Be careful what you say to UK Immigration. They are very wary of translantic romances. Make sure you have a return ticket and evidence that you will return to the USA and won't overstay your visa. Best not to mention the guy at all.
haha, no worries contrex, but thank you. I've been to London five times in the last year alone, and I've been researching visas to go there for over a year now, trust me , i know what not to say ;-)
i do have other friends there , and my ex lives in London too, and i'm crazy, but not crazy enough to go there without a return ticket :-)
sozobe wrote:I'm not a guy, but yes, this is what I was going to say:
Quote:
b) could i really handle it well if he basically said, sorry, it's not happening?
Basically, a cost-benefit analysis. If you've spent all that money (airfare to London, airfare X 2 and hotel in Italy or wherever) and put yourself on the line like that and he says no, then...? Will you be devastated (and out of some much needed cash?) Will you sigh but ultimately be fine (emotionally and financially)?
Also, what are you going for, ultimately?
If he says "yes," and you go, and it's wonderful, what do you think will happen after that?
Are you content with the vacation being its own thing, or do you want to use it to ratchet up your relationship?
If it's the latter, I urge caution. It sounds like the underlying issues would still be there -- he'll be in London, you'll be in NY, and he's averse to a long-distance relationship.
Yes , I have no idea. I'm not a stupid girl....but often I purposefuly tell myself "deal with the long term thinking in the long term". This is perhaps not always the best way to address things but I don't know.
If he said yes, and we had this great weekend, I would be lying if I said I didn't hope this would in turn make him reconsider something more with me. I AM genuinly trying to go move over there for a year or two, but it is very difficult to get a visa and even if I do get one....even harder for a non EU person to find a good paying job. If I was a banker or some such business position transfering my skills would be easy , but in my line of work (substance abuse counselor) its infinitely harder as I'm not licensed to master's or PhD level, nor am I a social worker or an RN. Just a BA in psych. And London is so ridiculously expensive....
I don't know. I suppose in a perfect world, I could move to London for a year or two, have a decent enough job that allowed me to live comfortably and travel, and have a relationship develop with this guy. And then at the end of my time there, in my perfect fantasy, he realizes he wants to be with me and is willing to move back here with me.
It sounds fanciful, but I have seen it happen to people I know, so I guess one cannot help but have hopes sometimes, I guess. Though in the long run only time will tell...
HAHA, as I sit here typing this, I received an email from London guy himself.
last night (and I will now admit that when i wrote my original post I had a few glasses of wine) after writing my post, I emailed him a two line email, asking him if he thought he was a spontaneous person. This was my email to him:
"Out of curiousity....
do you consider yourself to be a spontaneous person? curious minds want to know...
will let you know when phone is on its way :-) thanks slatkye"
(FYI, 'slatkye' means sweetheart in russian, in case anyone was wondering :-) Thats what I always call him)
This is what I got back:
"sometimes. depends mainly on my mood. what's this in aid of?
i'll let you know when the phone turns up xxx "
Dammit, I really need a vacation :-)
Awful lot of ifs there, LG.
And sounds like you don't really have this kind of money to be throwing around.
If you do -- if there are no real negative consequences for giving it a try -- then go for it.
But if it's all if-then -- an internal (perhaps unconscious) rationalization that goes something like "sure this is a lot of money, but it means that he'll fall in love with me and we'll live happily ever after in New York together," then don't do it IMO.
hey
no i don't think he'd fall massively in love me on the spot, im not quite that far gone yet.
But, i guess i'm sick of doing everything the right "sensible" way and getting no results lately, and have this urge to just say f**k it all and try somethng crazy because who knows, he might not fall in love with me right away (and to be frank that would be weird), but rather maybe he'd realize that just because i live far away right now doesn't mean I'm going to be a horrid bitch and dump him one day like his ex girlfrind did just because she lived in NY. I guess I'm hoping he'll think it's at least an idea worth revisiting and maybe giving a chance.
Fanciful and silly longing, I know, but I'm in a rut lately, which is partially why I have this urge to just do something crazy.
That and I really need a vacation....
I never have enough money. If I waited to do anything until I was financially happy I wouldnt be doing anything for another ten years, and traveling is one of those rare things that I feel warrants money even if its tight i guess. what can i say, i went to one of the best schools in the country, and all my friends made the smarter choice because they went into business and i decided i wanted to help people. What a bloody joke. People in this world do not get rewarded for helping others. Not fiscally, anyway, and money may not mean everything, but the people who say money doesn't mean anything obviously have never been lacking in it....
Anyway, this posting isn't about my finances, that's something seperate. My bigger concern to think about is if i can handle possible rejection. I asked yet another guy today, what they would do if a girl they'd met before and liked, though perhaps didnt want to pursue a long distance relationship with for just the distance reason, what they would do if she showed up one day from halway around the world and asked them to go away on a weekend , they said they wished someone would do something like that for them. I have to wonder if maybe, just maybe, the small chance that this may make him look past the distance is worth it?
*sigh* I really need a vacation....between work and school 18 hours a day its a wonder i havent gone mad yet, no wonder I'm considering running halfway around the world...
Can this just be a vacation, then? You like London, right? It's beautiful this time of year. Why not go on vacation there and make plans that will be fun and refreshing no matter what ends up happening with this guy?
Re: Romantic notion, or am I totally out of my flippin mind
LostGirl811 wrote: i asked a few guys i know, and they all said they would be flattered if "a hot chick i liked flew across the world to ask me to go to spain with her"
Apparently the fellas you asked don't work in this office. I just got a bunch of rolling eyes and winces when I asked the guys that sit around me what they thought of your idea. The younger, the rollier-eyed the response.
Generally speaking, men seem to have a different sense of what's romantic/flattering than women do. And then, specifically, individual men have individual responses to things.
If the outcome doesn't matter, do it. Expect to have a fun weekend on your own. If he decides to come along, that'll be nice.
~~~
I think back on Kicky's concert-ticket fiasco when I read things like this.
Danger Will Robinson.
Re: Romantic notion, or am I totally out of my flippin mind
ehBeth wrote:LostGirl811 wrote: i asked a few guys i know, and they all said they would be flattered if "a hot chick i liked flew across the world to ask me to go to spain with her"
Apparently the fellas you asked don't work in this office. I just got a bunch of rolling eyes and winces when I asked the guys that sit around me what they thought of your idea. The younger, the rollier-eyed the response.
Generally speaking, men seem to have a different sense of what's romantic/flattering than women do. And then, specifically, individual men have individual responses to things.
If the outcome doesn't matter, do it. Expect to have a fun weekend on your own. If he decides to come along, that'll be nice.
~~~
I think back on Kicky's concert-ticket fiasco when I read things like this.
Danger Will Robinson.
Lol, thanks Ebeth
See, that's why i wanted guy's opinions on this. Because I know that they think way differently, I needed some other perspective, because sometimes I get all emtionally into an idea and just get this very "f**k it, whatever happens happens" outlook....which isnt always th ebest. Funny, because god knows I'd never give my patients the same things I tell myself to do! Ha.
I dunno. I guess I'll try to get in touch with my girlfriend that lives there and see if she wouldn't mind me staying with her for a few days....if i can even get in touch with her but thats a whole other story. Then I guess I can try to see him while I'm there and get a better view of how he feels about me.
Cheers on the advice guys
xx
My sister married an American (we're Australian), and they flew back and forth for two years before they got engaged, so it can work.
However, I've heard plenty of other stories where it doesn't work. Basically it's down to the two people involved.
That said, from what you've described, it hardly sounds like you know each other. If one of you are able, then taking extended leave with the primary intention of finding out all about the other person (habits, values, eccentricities, likes/dislikes, communication abilities, conflict style, life energy, thoughtfulness, humour, music likes, etc) would help clarify the answer to your question (sometimes it takes more than once).
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