There's a boy.

I'm older and have no patience for all this. Not that I'm right.

Why don't you just ask him what he is thinking?

I have tried.

His response: 'You think too much.'

"You think to much", might pass as an answer, but not this time. Pin him down. You've slept with him, and now he's distancing himself from you. It's hard to overthink a situation like this. It is sure going to be difficult to let it go, and focus on the friendship.

The Navajo have a parable that is summarized by saying "You think too much", but it doesn't apply here, so I'll save it for later.

Hi Elaine, instead of asking him what he's thinking, be more specific.

Say (if this is the impression you are getting) something along the lines of "Since we slept together, It's felt to me like you are distancing yourself from me. If this is so, may I ask why?"

A word of warning - he may try to avoid the question. There are many possible responses - I would advise any that attempts once more to have your needs met, while not attacking him...off the top of my head, something like "You have been my best friend for (however long), and it seems like I'm losing you (or whatever you think is happening) because of this distance I feel between us, and when I think of that, I feel afraid because you have always been a good friend and a comfort to me.

Another word of warning - sometimes despite your trying, people just arent' prepared to open up. If that happens, and you are being hurt by their behaviour, then sometimes you just have to be prepared to walk away, no matter how important the person is to you...and wait for them to come to you in their own time.

or dont really know how to explain what they feel.

He may just need a little time to analyse how/what he feels.

Maybe you do think too much.

Maybe it was just sex to him. Remember that men and women sometimes see/feel sex differently.

Its possible he is telling you not to over analyse the situation and read things into it that were (on his part) not intended.

That's always a possibility.

And another possibility, though remember, they've been friends a while and always been attracted to each other. It's possible that it didn't turn out like he thought it would.

Regarding this part - I would suggest from the way she talks, that perhaps she over analyses things because that's the way she is. In any relationship there is acceptance and care for who the other person is. If there's not, there's a problem...and sometimes if this problem is big enough, that's when it becomes healthier to walk away.

Vikkor wrote:


I saw a t-shirt the other day that said, "I thought I loved YOU, but now I know I loved who I THOUGHT you were."

If you guys are friends, you should be able to talk openly and honestly.
And if you guys seemed to have been better friends than lovers - I'd just come out and say something like, "You know - if this sex thing was disappointing to you in any way - don't feel obligated. I need you to know that you are so much more important to me as a friend than as a sex partner.
I'll live if we never have sex again (I'd add a little joke like - "different strokes for different folks- right - people can't expect to be perfect for each other in every single way - and we're pretty damn perfect as friends I think)....so...don't sweat it - but I would like to know what's up..."

Then he's freed to tell you the truth. He might say, "No - it was so damn good it scares me and now I have to look at feeling committed for the rest of my life and I don't know how to feel about that" -or he might not. But either way you've given him the freedom to tell you the truth. And you've let him know what is most important to you- which you're saying is the friendship.

The thing is - if he says what you don't want to hear, "Yeah - it wasn't what I was hoping for- or it felt too weird"- you do have to accept that if you want him to feel able to still be your friend.

And in terms of your own self-esteem - you should remember- people don't always fit together in every single way- and sometimes it's not due to any weakness on anyone's part. That's just the way it goes.

Eliane--



How old are the two of you?

I'm guessing that your man-child is old enough to have sex and young enough that he's having a lot of problems figuring how what happened has changed him and his life and plans for the future.

His confusion and his needs are so overpowering right now that he doesn't have time for your confusion and your needs.

Furthermore, he doesn't want to talk it out. Or perhaps he does want to talk it out, but he doesn't want to seem self-centered or brutal or unmanly or childish.

If you must have answers, I'd start with a question wuch as: I don't think that sex should be something casual and trivial, but I get the feeling that you're worried that we're getting too serious, too fast, too young. Am I right?

Gee, first you were friends.

Now you are f()ck friends.

It's all so confusing.

Like he said, you think too much.

Let this play out and see where it goes. You don't need an answer right now.

Eliane, I like what Noddy said and I really feel for your confusion. It's true that many people (okay, particularly men) can't express themselves, or don't want to, while many women can and do. And women do tend to analyse things way more than men...

So maybe this is nothing at all.

Or it could be the end of things.

The thing is, he's really the one you should be talking to, saying, "Are we still okay? Do you need some space?" or something along those lines - no pressure, just concern.

You sound like a real sweetheart and I truly hope this works out for you.

Thanks for the useful tips and advice, some of it really helped.

We talked about everything in the end, we both knew that because of how things were we had to be careful about how we went about things because of his friendship with my ex and he said that the only reason he wasn't ecstatic was because he was worried what would happen when my ex found out about us. So problem solved, right? If only...

As friends, we have been planning for over 6 months now to move away in autumn to university (together...the same campus and everything) and we've made so many plans about it and he helped me feel excited about it, as I was not originally not planning to continue my education until I discovered that I had to for my chosen career. Tonight, he logs on and just announces he's accepting an offer from a different university pretty much the other end of the country (he went for an interview there today) and I just... I haven't got a clue what is going to happen from here on. I suppose it was wishful thinking on my part that this would even work out, and I feel selfish because I really don't want him to go now. Not after everything has been planned and everything, but at the same time, I understand that it's his choice and he needs to do what he feels right. This should have been our chance to make a go of things, and I'm going to miss him so much it scares me.

Eliane--

This guy is not ready to accumulate any sort of moss or dust or other entanglements.

Sometimes being the "adult" in a relationship is very hard. You have my sympathy.