Can affair result in happy relationship?

In just a general sort of hypothetically speaking sort of way, if a married person is having an affair, I (again, hypothetically) know everything I need to know. Unless, I'm just so special that person would never have an affair if she later became married to me.

Been on both sides, and the answer is NO....

You need to figure out what makes YOU tick, and then give that full voice.

RH

If I remember the stats right, 90% of marriages that start from one partner (or both) cheating, end in divorce. That leaves 10% that work.

I have a friend, who cheated on his long-time partner (not married, but two children).
Today (over 12 years later), he is very happily married to the woman he had the affair with.

Another friend of mine had an affair with a married man, who for about ten years did not want to leave his wife.
He finally did, and they have now been together for 6 or 7 years and married for 3.

So, yes, I think it is possible, not likely, though!

Personally I would not trust a man who has cheated on his wife/partner.
What would stop him from doing the same while I am his partner?

I have a friend who is one of the nicest people in the world. She married a guy who SEEMED really nice - but on their honeymoon - he was gambling in the casino the whole time - (she's a real outdoorswoman-she thought he liked the outdoors too - but apparently he liked the crap tables more).

Anway - married for like five years - she's hanging in there - they have one child. I go to visit her with my son when she's having a screen porch built on her house. There's this guy building it - who's just the nicest guy. I comment on that - she blushes. I say, "Oh no - you're not...." She said no, she wasn't.

But she was. Come to find out - her husband was too...with a seventeen year old kid who worked in the preschool she ran as a business. He'd also lost her business paying off his gambling debts...

That was sixteen or seventeen years ago. She's married to the carpenter. They have two kids together - her first daughter has always lived with them. They go camping, biking, play volleyball together. They belong together. He really is the nicest guy in the world.

I'm just happy my friend found him - it doesn't matter to me how - HE wasn't married. I think if she'd gone out with a married guy - that would have changed my feelings about the whole thing.
But her first husband deserved exactly what he got.

Why would it have changed your mind if HE was married. Your friend was married and cheating, so why should she be excused and not the man had he been married? I'm just saying, just because you know that her husband deserved it, as you put it, doesn't mean that if the carpenter had been married his wife hadnt "deserved" it too....can't decide to judge people you don't even know, right? That's the whole point of you being glad your friend cheated on her spouse, because you KNEW their situation and that this other guy was better for her. That's my point, people seem to quick to judge when they don't even know the people involved! yeah, the concept of cheating, which is lying, doesn't sound good, but sometimes situations are complex and sometimes the right person for you comes along after you already had kids with someone else. And that's really what makes everything complicated anyway, doesnt it. Let's face it....if a couple is married and has NO children, then breaking up is a matter of expenses and dividing the assets. they'll get over it. Only when there are children involved does it become infinitely more complicated, but even then, speaking from experience as the child of divorced parents that cheated on each other, you grow up, you get over it, and in the end you just want and hope that your parents find whoever makes them really happy.

Both my husband and myself were married to other people when we moved in together.

We knew each other before we married, both married someone else at around the same time, both realized we'd made a mistake about our choices, and corrected it as soon as possible.

We've been very happily married for about 15 years, and will be until one of us dies. No matter what has happened in our time together, which has been a lot, we have never questioned our marriage and faithfulness to each other.

I do not recommend going this route, but, it does happen.

Chai,

Did either you or your husband have kids in your first marriages? If so, how was that handled?

I have no children, and he has a dtr who was 13 at the time of our marriage.

The women he was briefly married to before we married was not the mother of his child. Both mine and his marriage before this one was less than 2 years.

The divorce from the mother of his dtr was very amicable. step-dtr is 28 now, and she says when they divorced (when she was 5 or 6,) she didn't feel unloved, abandoned or anything like that. They made it a point to never talk badly about the other, and let her know this was still her father, even after her mom remarried and had more children. She said she loves her step dad, but no one will ever come close to stepping into her dads shoes.

Since I wasn't the cause of their divorce, I have a very friendly relationship with the mother.

Step daughter said she was really happy that he left his ex-wife for me. She couldn't stand the woman and has refered to her as "the evil stepmother.

If I was to ever be in the same room with the ex wife, I'd feel sorry for her. Mostly because she's so full of anger.

I would have been surprised is all. This woman is not the type of person to do something that would hurt someone she didn't even know. I do think it's different when the person in the marriage knows their spouse is really isn't living up to his or her end of the bargain and that person might feel abandoned, etc. and so when another opportunity presents itself - they go with it.

But if you don't have that knowledge about the other person's spouse - then you're just doing something that will hurt someone you don't even know- and maybe they don't deserve to be hurt.

I have had friends who have had affairs with married men. And when they tell me I say, "Wow - okay" and I'm still friends with them, but I do try to present it from the other side. You know-that there may be this trusting person sitting home with the kids who's being taken advantage of...that just sucks...I wouldn't do it- but I understand that other people see it differently.

It's not about judgment at all - I understand love is strange and happens all the time when maybe it shouldn't really seem to. I just think it's good to at least respect the other person enough to be honest with them. And to try to be kind and considerate and thoughtful of people you don't even know.

And you know when you do have kids - you're supposed to try to present them with some sort of model of integrity. I think a child would have a lot more respect for a mother or father if they came home and said, "I'm not feeling this anymore," and got out of it than they would if they learned two or three years down the line that all those nights they were eating supper alone with mom - dad was out doing his thing with someone else and then coming home and kissing them goodnight after they were already asleep.

I think it IS different. You might even know that the person you're married to won't particularly even care if you have an affair - but you can't know that about the other person's spouse- you only know what he or she tells you.

Like anything else, it depends.

Chances are, a relationship like that won't be successful but some are.