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Sun 23 Mar, 2008 07:36 am
Hi
I'm a bit of a nonce when it comes to men, I think!!! Well I seem to have got it wrong big time before and I don't want to make the same mistakes again!!!
Can you tell me................ If a man is interested in a woman do you hold the view that he will do all the running/chasing and you should basically leave him to do that. If he cares he'll act upon it. I'm really worried about showing my feelings to men now and am worried about them taking advantage. I honestly don't know what I'm doing or what i should be thinking.
I met up with a guy I knew from school recently and we went for a few walks. We got in contact back at xmas. He gave me a cd with songs on them by the mavis's pink pills. He asked me which ones are my favourite? They seem to be love songs to me. Why would he do this? He also sent me other songs on cd with a song he said reminds him of me, which is a love song. He's still living with his ex and doesn't know what to do. She won't have his kids, but now she's apparently changed her mind. Is he waiting to see how we get on together. Does he just want the usual and will dump me after or am i not making it clear enough. What with my other problems he told me it explains a lot of my recent behaviour and mentioned the words being on guard. I tried to get him to talk to me more but he changed the subject as though he just couldn't open up, but I'm not sure. He's had a woman cheat on him and he says he hasn't had sex with his ex for a year now. She won't let him even touch her sometimes, so how they'll have kids I don't know. He also said yesterday he's been scarred by women. Is he blowing me a line? When we were at school I did a bad thing and went off with his mate one night when I was meant to be with him. He says it hurt him and I was his first love. I didn't sleep with the guy. I remember bumping into him once a few years back we were both with our partners and he gave me such a look, i could tell he'd not forgiven me.
Is he just stuck in a rut with her? the house etc.......I'm beginning to really like him but I'm just wondering if maybe I'm not saying enough to him. He made it quite clear that I'm special to him, always have been, beautiful etc. I wasn't sure how I felt so much before, but I'm beginning to care more about him. When we sit together he'll kind of give me a friendly/playful tap and when I went round to his to watch a film (his ex is away) he was doing that and I felt we were just like teenagers. I could tell he wanted me to kiss him but didn't have the guts. And I was thinking well I'm not going to make the first move. I can't deal with rejection either. Since everything happened to me I want the man to do all the running. Am I spoiling things for myself because neither of us will open up. He used to open up but it just seems to have disappeared, I thought it was because he was going off me. I just don't know what to think. Maybe I'm just not showing enough affection back at him and he's giving up or kinda confused.
Any advice anyone?
Some extra I forgot to mention................I've not told him about my wedding being cancelled. Should I? Is it important?
He says he can't see his ex having his kids and it's a lie, she already has one and is older than him nearly forty. He says he needs time to think...how long for??
I travel back tomorrow and I don't even have the guts to ask him if he'd like to meet up again. Maybe I should leave it to him.
Helen - WHY are you even considering starting a relationship with him?
He is NOT able to even BEGIN with anyone. He HAS commitments and obligations. He is NOT free to begin a relationship with ANYONE!
Just because you knew him from the past, he is "comfortable" and you are drawn to him. But it is not right or even the right time. He is cheating on his partner!
You are STILL reeling from your wedding cancellation. Slow down!
Try standing on your own two feet for a while. You don't need a man to "fulfill" you - especially one who is not free!
Stuck in a rut with HER?
He is still with HER. Why are you even considering him?
Respect yourself and stop chasing a man who can not be there for you.
Ok...so you think he's still with her. They don't do anything together. She goes off on her own a lot. I know it's odd they won't finish it.
You all just made me jump with your responses.
You see I've fallen for all the sweet stuff he was telling me. It's made me feel special. I never thought he was the sort to cheat like that and lie. Maybe now he hasn't got what he wanted and he's off. Great!!
Well he's just sent me a text and i think I've probably sent my last reply!!!!!!!!!
Helen--
Not to beat what I hope is a dead horse/vinished courtship:
Quote:Ok...so you think he's still with her. They don't do anything together. She goes off on her own a lot. I know it's odd they won't finish it.
This is what he tells you about her. What do you think this guy is telling her about you?
He wants the life he has now with you on the side--and you are too valuable a person to be a bit on the side for any two-timing man.
Right now you're very vulnerable to sweet talk from worthless men. Be aware of your weaknesses--don't listen.
Hold your dominion.
I have no idea if what he says is true or not. Might be, might not. But his explanation is a common one when people are fooling around. Best to get involved with people who are clearly free to start with (unless there not being so is what you both want, and then that's another situation with more cautions). And, secondarily, I didn't see him as a great draw even if he were free, from what you mention of his sense of himself, but then I don't know him.
I can imagine you are in a kind of vulnerable state, Helen, with all that has been going on over years, and that you would like to get on with a good life and loving relationships. Life is long, or can be, and you are just waking up, in a way, to the wonders of who you are, to listen to yourself. I'd say don't rush to toss your heart to the most likely guy in your vicinity. I'd say, 'learn to be alone, stand alone', whether or not you have sex with people, as not all relationships are serious, though I think you might be vulnerable re non serious ones as well, for a while.
I know you are all right. Guess I just didn't want to admit it. I've been treading water with it all so that I could enjoy a bit of the attention. It has been nice at times and it made me feel a bit like I was getting human affection again. He told me at the beginning that he was leaving her, he was so adamant and then he said he got all confused because she must have been noticing a change in him. She asked him to go on holiday with her as they'd booked it originally when they were together. He said no and she started to get upset etc realising it was over. She came back and said she'd have his kids...........he still isn't convinced and so insinuates it's just to keep him. What will be will be. I've got to keep it as just friends.
He just sent a text as to why I've gone quiet and he's not heard back from me. He should take a wild guess!!
And I don't mean to never give your heart to someone. Just don't let need overwhelm your brains. Re your heart, I mean.
It's a generalization that people need to be out of a relationship for a couple of years before getting serious again. I don't buy that as any kind of rule - but there is something to be said for some wisdom behind it, for different parties to steady themselves, work out anger and/or grief.
Oh, and I spelled their 'there'. Gahhh.
Lol!!! That's ok Ossabucco. The their and there I do all the time accidentally!!
Personally I don't think i need to wait a couple of years. I'm feeling better all the time. I don't think of my ex with love or anything anymore. I just want to get past it, move on and get a new life. The first time I split with him though..huh! that was a different story..took me 2/3 years before I even went near a bloke like that. Would still get upset. No what the ex did this time finished any love off, good and proper. lol!!! I'm not so emotional anymore, think that comes with age. But I know I'd find it hard to just jump into bed with a guy. Now that is something I do worry about when you're on the single market. I get very emotionally attached etc and would be deeply hurt if I was just used. Hope that never happens. I haven't slept with the guy who still lives with his ex and I know I never would under those circumstances.
I understand, re you and your ex, that you are 'out of love'. I still vote for getting more used to being on your own, but I won't push you on that, besides not being my business to be pushing what you should do in any case. But... lives-with-ex is in another situation, whether he is telling the truth or not.
Helen
Make a life for yourself. Don't get involved with someone that is already in a relationship. You are setting yourself up to be hurt. The relationship you were in before is not an over night recovery. I am sure you are in a state of mind where you want to feel that someione is interested in you.
Stop and think about what you really want in your life.
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