Problems with my mum

What should all that mean to you, Helen..

well, connection with their real thinking as you can, as much help for either of them re counselling, etc., as you can. Care re yourself.

Helen--

I'm another one who agrees with Osso's sage advice.

I'd like to add that you have every reason to be angry with your mother. She left the house physically a short time ago--as times go--but she's been running away from her emotional responsibilities for a long, long time--while wanting unconditional love, affection and understanding from the people around her.

Now that you and your Dad know she is safe, the two of you can concentrate on healing your own emotions and the great muddle that she's left behind her.

What your Dad decides to do is his business. He sounds like a loyal man who will have difficulty scrapping a long-time marriage. Don't encourage him to batter your ears with his melancholy and betrayal. He needs a kind ear and a firm shoulder, but this support should come from a contemporary or a counselor, not a daughter.

You posted earlier that before your mother jumped the fence, you had felt that your parents were overly dependent on each other. Can you encourage your Dad to find some other interests? Starting with a counselor?

By the by:

http://www.able2know.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=106699

You're welcome to come howl with us tonight. Sometimes the only way you can improve a situation is to howl at the moon.

Well, thank God she's alive and apparently unharmed.

I'm sorry this is happening, Helen.

It sounds like a tragic situation. I hope that in time things will be better for you.

Do you know why your mother felt dead inside?

Unfortunately the message you got leaves everything up in the air. She has told them not to give any information to her whereabouts or to tell who she is with. Call the cop who found her and ask him to pass on a note from you to your mother - make it an open note so the cop can see you are not threatening her. Write something simple that lets her know she can contact you alone if she is not comfortable with your dad knowing where she is. Be gentle and don't take sides. Tell her you are concerned but glad she is safe and you are there if she needs to talk. Tell her you won't judge her and only want to be there for support.

This may not be how you feel but you have to keep the lines of communication open. Your roles are reversed for a bit - you are now the parent trying to encourage the child to tell you what's wrong. Step carefully.

Even if she does not respond to your note, you will have made the right move. It leaves the responsibility with her for getting her act together and reaching out to you. You will have done everything possible to keep in touch with her, via the police who found her, since you do not know where she is or who she is with.

This is a very frustrating situation. Don't let the stress overwhelm you. You have to take things easy yourself because you are going through quite a bit of your own stress already.

I wish all people would behave as we would have them do, but unfortunately I'd have nothing to piss and moan about if they did. Not that I have anything going on in my life like you do. Sometimes the way people act make me roll my eyes in frustration. This is a little more than an eye-rolling situation. Hang in there.

Good post, Heeven.

Heeven is right on the money.

It's been painful for me to read your thread, as it reads like something from the past for me.
The mom is the kid, and the kid is left with all the worry and responsibility.

Just wanted you to know that as hard as it is for you right now, the future is still wide and has many possibilities.

Whatever you do, stay strong for yourself and try your best to live the sort of life that you wish and need to lead for you. Regardless of anything that happens.

I honestly never thought I'd be sitting here in the position I am now with my mum. My thread is here close to yours if you want to check it out.

Take good care. I know you probably don't hear this often -

You are a good and worthy daughter and person. Please don't ever doubt that bit.

I dunno why but I'm feeling particularly down today. My dad keeps crying on and off. I really don't know what to do. I wish i could help but I can't.

I don't know if I mentioned this before. My mum sent me a letter on 21st March to say she was ok and well. She hoped I was and not to worry about her. She would be in touch in the near future.

Still heard nothing and we don't know where she exactly is. Is this fair or am I asking too much..........maybe she has her reasons I dunno. Do most families get this sort of thing happening, is this normal behind closed doors stuff. What I want to know is........is it normal for me to be upset, do other people get these problems or have I just got a misfit mother? Is this type of thing considered extreme or am I just a weak person for letting it get me down. Should I expect this sort of thing from people for the rest of my life. Do people actually give a toss about anyone else anymore. The cancellation of my wedding was enough to rock my brain.

WILL I ever meet someone who truely cares about me or will i always be expecting the worst one day, when even my own mother doesn't seem to. I don't think i could ever trust anyone again. People in my life just seem to flip or want to much or expect too much. What am I doing WRONG???

If you can recognize the either/or, you know the answer to your question. It's up to you whether you'll learn to be optimistic about life again or expect the worse at every turn.

Helen--

You haven't noticed that your mother is a wee bit self-centered? That she's putting her own pursuit of happiness ahead of the old-fashioned bonds of love she's had with her husband and daughter?

The fault is not in you. Your mother is outdoing most men in having a Mid Life Crisis with Bells & Whistles. She doesn't even have a red convertible and she's being "colorful" all over the place.

She's also being selfish and self centered--not because you are you, but because she's indulging her own desires.

As for a man in your future....

I won't promise that Prince Charming is right around the corner, but if you're out meeting people and spending time with people, Mr. Charming is going to show up one of these days.

Imagine your mother sitting in the front row of the church with a butterfly--or perhaps a bat--tattooed on her cheek, playing the "I'm too young to be mother-of-the-bride" role to the hilt.

Hold your dominion.

Hi all

Can you give me your opinions on these recent events regarding my Mum...............

As you all know I've not known where she is for a while now. Well on 21st MArch I received a letter back where I live which is not in my parents hometown saying that she is ok and will contact me in the near future.

Well I came back to my parents house and have been staying with my Dad. We decided to contact the police because we became so worried again. They found her and told us that she has been to the domestic violence unit of the police, but we have not heard anything from the police to investigate this and our solicitor is saying this speaks volumes. We were totally astounded. The police managed to persuade my mum to ring me and I managed to arrange a meeting that day. I went to see her and she was talking about all sorts of bizarre claims against my Dad, which I know are not true. By the end we arranged to meet again and she was to phone me a few days later. She mentioned how she would like me to bring her mobile phone and some clothes which I agreed to. All the time I was talking to her she was stroking my hair and it didn't seem right. She kept looking over my shoulder at her so called 'friend' who she says is just a good friend nothing more.

I waited for her call a few days later and she was very blunt. SHe said she couldn't talk long because she had been on another ramble/walk and was tired. I managed to get as far as arranging a day to meet but then she cut in the conversation and said that she was only going to meet me for an hour anyway because all she wanted to meet me for was her clothes and mobile. I became very upset and told her that wasn't nice from a mother. She said that apparently I had never cared about her when I'd moved away to live with my ex and this was now her new life. I confronted her about her false claims against my Dad and she slammed the phone down on me and acused me that this was just what I wanted (whatever that means). So I have once again no contact number or address for her. And apparently she said she could only meet up with me at night, but wouldn't say why????? After all this I felt very hurt and sad.............crying etc.

What do you think of this behaviour. Dealing with her in my life is becoming far too stressful for me and my Dad. Why is she throwing false accusations at my Dad. We are thinking it is to get a quick divorce as now she is asking for one. Also could she be thinking of marrying this other man?

Helen--

Excuse my plain speaking. Your mother is whacky as a jay bird and reliving the emotional highs (and probably lows) of her teenaged years.

Any dealings you have with her are going to involve you being the understanding parent of a difficult, undisciplined child.

Yes, she is your mother. Yes, her present companions may not have her best interests at heart. Yes, you worry. All the same, your worry doesn't change anything. You have no authority, no power.

The remarks about you never caring for her when you grew up and left home are indicative of her generational confusion. What you did was normal. What she is doing is... She'd say proudly, "unconventional". Objectively the term is "selfish".

Keep in mind, you did not cause her behavior. She made her own choices. Just because she chooses to blame you and your Dad for her decisions doesn't mean that you and your Dad are to blame.

Is the other man going to make an honest woman out of her? Probably not.

Is your Dad going through with the divorce? I hope so.

Are you ever going to have your mother back? I have no crystal ball.

Try not to indulge in useless worry. Save your energies for your Dad and for some time when they might do your mother some good.

Hold your dominion.

Sounds like she's a secret agent to me... is her mobile phone also a shoe? Sorry, a "Get Smart" pun. It sounds like tramatic stress. Stroking of the hair is usually a sign of comfort or bringing her back to a "safe" place. It is possible something DID happen on one of these treks without your dad. It is also possible that she feels incredibly guilty about something and is trying to overcome her guilt by blaming your dad for "made-up" things. Take this "friend" of her's aside and ask as many questions as you have to get to the bottom of all of this. Your mom isn't acting crazy for no reason. But you may have to prepare yourself for something you don't want to hear.

Helen--

How's it going?

Hi Noddy,
Just checked in to read your posts from previous. It helps to know I'm not going mad at times and that everything that is going on at the moment is real and your replies show the solidarity in it all!!

I'm ok thanks, getting better.........gradually.......

I've moved back now etc and wrapped everything up with the ex .......house etc etc. He's history thank God, although his family still wants us to be friends????!!!!

I'm now with my Dad and trying to support him with the divorce. It's not easy............He still gets very upset and I can understand why. Going to the places he used to go with my mum sparks it all off and the hurt she's caused. She came round to collect her clothes the other day with her 'friend'. I couldn't believe her audacity!!! I was at work at the time and my dad had to sort it, I was so worried. The 'friend' even walked to the front door............then later sat in the car outside. My dad confronted her again about the marks but she still denies it.................Gospel truth apparently..............yet 2 doctors have confirmed there is no way that could happen with vitamins. I really do think she has gone mad!!!

She's filed for divorce already which everyone thinks is very quick under the circumstances. I've also decided to disown her. What she did was terrible. I can't forgive her and there are other unmotherly things she has done that I haven't mentioned on here. I have informed her of this too. I managed to get hold of her at one point. Another story..........

My dad is on medication but he is worried that he is not getting over it quickly enough. I think it is still early days, but sometimes after a long day at work i find it hard to always listen. For me the decision is easier i think, but my dad says he still has feelings for her because it has been so long. What do you think????

Either way, since all this I know I am going to get through it and move on as much as I can. I want to build myself up again and have a new life etc. I'm sure there are nice people out there and I just want to enjoy my life again, have some fun. That's not something i am doing quite so well at the moment but I am sure I am gonna make it happen!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm determined my dad will too.

x

Helen--

People love to make rules about other people's relationships and entanglements.

Keep focused on your needs and your father's needs.

Hold your dominion.