5TH GRADE HISTORY TEST

The following were answers provided by 5th graders
during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of
the best humor is in the misspelling.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they
all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the
Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where
they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before
he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went
around giving people advice. They killed him.
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After
his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped,
hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him
because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out: Tee hee, Brutus.

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was
canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen, As a queen
she was a success. When
she exposed herself before her troops they all
shouted hurrah.

10. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and
the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes and
started smoking.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was
William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564,
supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money
and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in
Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example
of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid
by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was
Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and
he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backward and
declared, A horse divided against itself cannot
stand. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest
Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he
was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing
the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April
14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot
in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes
Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined
Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical
compositions and had a large number of children. In
between he practiced on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the
present. Bach was the most famous composer in the
world and so was Handel. Handel was half German,
half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.
He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling
for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died
for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great
many thoughts and inventions. People stopped
reproducing by hand and started reproducing by
machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick
invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of
a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for
rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote
the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered
the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx
Brothers.