my husband is a liar

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So I have been with my husband for 4 years. We have a 3 year old little boy and another baby on the way. I noticed my husband lying to me about three years ago. It would be about the smallest things. That wouldn't make me mad at all but he would lie anyway. For instance it started with him going out with friends and he would tell me he only had two drinks and obviously he had 6 or 7. Then when I was doing laundry I would find movie tickets in his pockets. When I would ask him about it he would first say they weren't his then confess he went to the movies by himself. This went on for about six months constantly lying about what he would be doing during the day and then I would find out he went to the movies. Lately it is getting more serious. I found a number of porn websites on his computer as well as two different dating services. He has been keeping this from me for at least three months. The porn I don't even care about it is the fact he has been hiding it from me. The dating services he told me they were sent to him through email and he just clicked them on to see what they were. But, I found 3 different profiles that were viewed on the one site. At this point I cannot trust him and I am not sure what to do. I don't want to give up on my marriage but at the same time I know in my heart I shouldn't have to be putting up with this type of behavior. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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I can only guess but I wouldn't be surprised if he has a long history of doing his own thing and then telling those probing what he thinks they want to hear. Probably started with his parents and now you. Old habits die hard sometimes.

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How about countering is dishonesty with honesty. For example "I don't think a man should lie to his wife, so I lose a little more respect for you each time i find out that you have lied to me"? If he cares about how you feel towards him he will attempt to reform himself, if he does not then you know everything you need to know about him and your marriage, yes?

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Well, aside from you being the "snoop of the year", your husband is
a convicted liar. Perhaps you should seek joint counseling to find out
why your husband is interested in sexual activities that don't include you,
as well why you snoop around.

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I think you had good reason to snoop, I thinks he's cheating on you or trying to cheat. What I don't understand is why you would have another baby with a man who has been lying to you for three years about his recreational sex. He could bring home STD's to you and your unborn child. I doubt you are going to get this guy to stop his bad behavior, but you might want to confront him and suggest counseling to see his reaction. In the meantime, start putting away some money for yourself and your children that he doesn't know about. You might need it to pay a lawyer and start a new life.

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I agree with GreenWitch that you should probably leave him. Distrust of that sort is really difficult to overcome. As CJ said, maybe counselling will help. If not, start saving up, as said before, and focus on you and your kiddies.

Sorry you're going through this.

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See:

http://www.able2know.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=112082

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This is my first post, at the urging of my brother, echi.
My husband has been lying to me and looking at porn for 13 years. I found the first magazine hidden under furniture when I was pregnant with our oldest. It wasn't the fact that he had it, but that he hid it from me. I noticed about 2 years into our marriage that he was a compulsive liar. He would lie about the most insignificant things. We have 2 kids, and I think the reason I've put up with it is because of them. There is also a certain amount of guilt on my part. He has told me that he lies about little things because he is afraid I'll get mad. I've told him that it would be better for me to be a little upset than to lose respect for him. I've caught him in so many lies, that I feel as though I don't have a clue who he really is.
Of course, there are always two sides to every story, and I know that I haven't been the perfect wife. Early in our marriage, after I found the porn and discovered the first lies, I began to distance myself from him emotionally and physically. I haven't given him the affection he needs, and I know that it is because of my loss of trust and respect.

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Msgrace--

Welcome to A2K.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? His lying or your distrust?

The chicken/egg problem has no clear answer. In your case, you distrust him because he has lied to you.

He doesn't want to change, does he? He likes being a liar.

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One might well ask exactly what some women truly want to know about human sexuality, versus what they would rather pretend about human sexuality.

It seems as if Alfred Kinsey's work may have gone unnoticed with some women.

Whether such considerations justify some men not being forthcoming would be circumstance dependent.

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Hello msgrace, and welcome to a2k Smile

Your husband has been lying for 13 years about what? Him watching porn?
Perhaps, if you can pinpoint what he's lying about it would help you
understand the "why".

On the other hand, you have distanced yourself from your husband
physically and emotionally which makes me wonder why you are still
married to him, if you're indifferent towards him. Why stay in a loveless
marriage? Just for the kids? What are you teaching them? That having
no love in your life is okay? Don't you think they realize what is going
on between Mommy and Daddy? Think again!!

If you want to save your marriage, I suggest counseling for the both
of you and hopefully you both can learn to walk towards each other
again. Good luck to you!

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Noddy24,
That is a good question. One that deserves serious consideration. I know that I began feeling some doubt during our engagement because of some inconsiderate tendencies he started to show. I sort of felt like a prize he had won, rather than a friend and partner, but my previous relationships had been so abusive that I felt lucky to find him. I was 24, and did not have a strong sense of self.

Chumly,
I know of Kinsley, only because of the movie. Please enlighten me.

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Calamity Jane,
He lies about things big and small. From calls he gets from women to losing his wallet.

My parents put my brother and me through a devastating divorce. I don't want to do that to my children.

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It doesn't have to be devastating, msgrace (welcome, btw) - it's up to you how you handle it. Or maybe you don't wish to leave, I don't know. Are you just venting or are you looking for advice? If you're just venting, here's some sympathy. I'll hold off on any advice until I know you want some.

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Msgrace--

Obviously you'd like your husband to stop lying.

Unfortunately, this probably isn't an option. You can't change his behavior, you can only change your own.

You can continue to live with your husband's lies or you can opt for a divorce. No divorce is completely civilized, but frequently a divorce is better for kids than living with a bad marriage.

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Noddy24 wrote:

Unfortunately, this probably isn't an option. You can't change his behavior, you can only change your own.

Right, Noddy! Cool

Now, Msgrace, look it this way:

Your husband is dyslexic about truth.

So, every time he says something, think it the other way around.

You'll see, it goes much better...

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In response to Mame, I guess I'm just putting myself out there. I just want to be able to have conversations with my husband without it turning into a huge fight. He has never allowed me to express negative emotion. He gets defensive, and over the last couple of years has resorted to name calling and threats of divorce. He inevitably comes around with an apology and expects me to forget that he just called me a miserable bitch an hour earlier. Our conversations leave me dumbfounded. I find myself wishing that I had a witness to his irrational behavior.
His temper has no middle ground. Sorry for the self pity.

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msgrace wrote:

In response to Mame, I guess I'm just putting myself out there. I just want to be able to have conversations with my husband without it turning into a huge fight. He has never allowed me to express negative emotion. He gets defensive, and over the last couple of years has resorted to name calling and threats of divorce. He inevitably comes around with an apology and expects me to forget that he just called me a miserable bitch an hour earlier. Our conversations leave me dumbfounded. I find myself wishing that I had a witness to his irrational behavior.
His temper has no middle ground. Sorry for the self pity.

I would suggest that you find a way to get out of there.
It sounds like to me that he is mentally abusive to you, and I have seen that turn to being to physically abusive.
He may be lying to you to protect himself from something (but its hard to tell what), or he may be lying to you because he honestly doesnt know how to tell the truth.

But judging by what you have written, I would say that you need to get out of there, for your own protection.

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Msgrace--

Quote:

Sorry for the self pity.

Self pity can be a very useful spur to action.

Your husband's "Reality" doesn't sound like a place I'd want to live--or to live side-by-side with.

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msgrace wrote:

Our conversations leave me dumbfounded. I find myself wishing that I had a witness to his irrational behavior.

Go buy a little voice recorder, it can help.

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my husband is a liar

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