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Sun 24 Feb, 2008 02:22 pm
I'm hoping someone out there can help me out.
I have been married to my wife for 12 years. We are not physical any more and I believe we are both ok with that.
She has 3 kids from a previous marriage and I have come to love them as though they are my own. Most aspects of our life are very good. We own a business together and work closely on a daily basis. We really are great friends. Sounds pretty good huh?
Well, the problem is she treats me as though I am her possession.A robot that will only do what she wants. I am not a confrontational guy so I have given up all of my relationships with friends and family that she doesn't specifically permit. (pretty much all of them)
She controls all of our finances and I feel as though she controls so much in our lives that I am being crushed. I like to have a good time and do drink sometimes but this is not a problem. She insists that I can have 4 drinks and thats it for the night. She comes from an abusive alcoholic background so I understand her fear but I'm not an angry drunk. In fact when I drink I really just have a great time. The real issue is that I feel like I need to fix this or I will loose everything I love including the kids.
Should I be seeing a counselor or does anyone have some helpful advice?
Seeing a counselor would be very beneficial in my opinion. 12 years of marriage is about the time my husband lost interest in continuing. Unfortunately I had no clue until it was too late. Counseling helped me through a lot. I did, however, not relate very well with my first counselor but have a great connection with my current counselor. If you choose to go that route, don't give up too soon.
I'm very sorry to hear of your difficult situation. Marital issues are not easy.
Thanks for taking the time to read and reply martybarker.
I'm not gonna give up too easily but this has been the situation of quite a while. I really just wish I could have some independence from her grip.
Your right counselling it is
Counseling would be an excellent idea.
You seem to be talking, but she doesn't seem to be listening--and, of course, she has her own point of view.
Your right, she doesn't want to discuss the problem and whenever I attempt to she always talks in circles and nothing gets resolved.
That said, I do respect her position. She doesn't want to give in to any thing that will make me happy. I have created a very comfortable world for her and the kids and I suspect that she is worried that if she gives me freedom to do anything that resembles a life that I will find a reason to leave her.......Ironic
I agree, counseling sounds excellent. Would your wife join you if you'd
ask her?
Marriage should not be a confinement, on the contrary. Perhaps your
wife doesn't realize how demanding and controlling she is, and a
counselor could help sort things out between the two of you.
I'm not sure if she would actually go with me other than th be certain that that was where I was going..HA!
I have discussed it with her on occasion but it always gets dropped and things just go back to the way they were.
I wonder if it would not be better to go to counselling on my own at first to try to get help with how to deal with th situation.
Hi CalamityJane
I'm not sure if she would actually go with me other than th be certain that that was where I was going..HA!
I have discussed it with her on occasion but it always gets dropped and things just go back to the way they were.
I wonder if it would not be better to go to counseling on my own at first to try to get help with how to deal with the situation
You are in a pickle, you have been submissive for 12 years (even though you never formally agreed to the bargain), and so she now has more cards to play to keep you there than she started with. If you get uppity now she will likely play them all, including the nuclear option, which is ending the marriage.
If you are not willing to rebel and risk it all, she has you under her thumb forever. Counseling is good, figure out all of your options and weight them carefully before acting.
Thank you to all who reply. Encouraging words and food for thought all.
All I want is a life with some freedom to do what I want on occasion. Hopefully counseling will help.
Mightleave--
You can't make your wife seek enlightenment, particularly since she's happy with the status quo.
You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness and right now your marriage feels more like a cage than a safe refuge.
Talking with a counselor will help you sort out all your feelings. I can't guarantee either a better marriage or a no-malice divorce, but I can promise you that if you find the right counselor, you'll be a happier, more aware man.
Was she always this controlling?
Mightleave,
i feel sorry about the situation you are in presently and hope you wont be offended to ask how you have been coping this past 12 years?
Has it been like this all through or you noticed it along the line?
Your answer may help to find a way out for you.
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