Best friend marrying a man she is not in love with

Why is she scared?
Clearly in denial of what?

Just be there when it ends, and don't say "I told you so."

is your friend unhappy? or are you unhappy?

you can ask you rfriend what would she advise you if you were in switched positions... or simply talk about it. beyond that, there's not a lot you can or should do. sometimes you just have to let go.

First and foremost rule of helping people: Do No Harm.... ask yourself what is your primary motivation, where your own emotions stand, what's in the best interest of the helpee, how will this impact your relationship...lots and lots of questions to which we don't know answers yet from your brief description of the problem.

I really like her boyfriend. We get along great! She hasn't been able to break up with him because she has become such good friends with him and doesn't want to break his heart.

This isn't about me not being able to let go. I just want the best for her. I mean she has already told me that she is no longer in love with him. She doesn't even enjoy having sex with him anymore.

As I see it, you have three choices.

Choice #1: Keep your mouth shut and let her make her mistake. After all, who are you to say what is right for her? Maybe she will get that old love feeling back and they will live happily ever after.

Choice #2: Kidnap her and tell fiance that she has run off with her one true love.

Choice #3: Tell her fiance that she is only marrying him because she is afraid of telling him she does not love him.

Of these three choices, I would probably go with #1. Choice #2 could get you thrown in jail, which I assume you would like to avoid. Choice #3 could result in your bodily harm from either the fiance or your friend when she finds out you told him and I assume you would like to avoid that also.

Problem solved. Go with choice #1. See how easy it is when you list out all the possible choices and then eliminate the undesirable ones?

That will be $49.95 for my counseling services. I do accept PayPal or you can just send me a check. Make it out to Professor BillyBob.

Hmmm...I really don't think either of you understand what's involved in your friends decision not to tell him.

If she tells him - then he has only have lost her love.

If she doesn't tell him - then not only has he lost her love, but he's been lied to, he's been strung along, he's been toyed with, he's been the object of sympathy, he's been thought of as an emotional weakling, he's been played for the fool, and he's been humliated.

And the longer it goes, the worse it gets.

Most guys have a great deal of pride. In any event - You tell me which would hurt more?

He needs to be told asap, preferably without being told about how long it's been going on for (no one needs to know they've been played for the fool for a long time if it isn't necessary to tell them)

Some people marry for love, some for other reasons, but bottom line this is her life an she needs to live it. with exception of extreme situations like major addictions and abuse it is wrong for a friend to try to manage someone else's life. If she asks for your advise shoot straight, if not tell her you wish her happiness. If her choices bother you a great deal maybe she should not be your friend.

Hi Hawkeye,

I don't have any issue if someone marries a guy for his money, or for something else that the guy can provide them (so long as the guy has some idea that is the case)...but this particular scenario, that's not the case. She has no reason (according to the friend) except 'not hurting him'.

I would do this (not sure if it is the best advice, but personally because I could not not say something) -

I would tell start by saying I need to tell you this because I need to get it off my chest. Then I would say - I will only say it once and then let it go as it is your decision. I would tell her how I feel about the situation completely upfront and honest. I would say, it isn't fair for your boyfriend - he should have someone that completely loves him. That in the long run the both of you would be better off, but in the short run it will be difficult - and that I feel she needs to tell her boyfriend how she really feels.

Then whatever she decides and does, I wouldn't mention it again. It is her life, but as a friend sometimes I think you need to say difficult things to help.

I did something similar once and we did remain friends. My friend did not take my advice, and I never mentioned it again and was there for her when things did not work out the right way.

Her first loyalty is to her friend. Besides, if the guy does not know that his future wife does not love him then he must be a moron. You can't fix stupid, and only fools make the attempt. Hopefully he knows, but wants to marry her for other reasons.

I might do something similar to what Linkat advises, have a heart to heart with a friend who I am convinced is making a mistake. It would have to be done in such a way that my friend knew that what ever they chose was fine with me, that i would be there for them, but that if it were me I would choose to marry someone whom I loved.

Uh yeah - I was talking about the womanfriend fiance telling the guy, not the poster telling the guy.

Besides, if the guy does not know that his future wife does not love him then he must be a moron.

Perhaps the girls a really good pretender, and the guy sees only what he wants to see because he's deeply in love. In any event, you lack any true knowledge of both the people involved and the situation, and such judgements are unhelpful as well as uncaring and condescending.

I may be way off base here but I suggest don't get between her and her fiancee, it's not your job and can result in problems between the two of you.

Encourage your friend to see a counselor before getting married. it might help her to work through any 'non-love' issues or if she is truly marrying for the right reasons. She's a big girl, let her make her own decisions and discuss them with her potential future husband. That at least will be setting some of the ground work for communication they will have to do as a married couple.

My cousin was turning 30, panicked and married a man who she clearly would have to piggyback for the duration. I told her that I thought she could do better but that was all I said, and seventeen years later, after HE finally left HER, I held her up and supported her and kept my "I told you so" comments to myself.

When it comes down to it, we just don't have the power to open anothers' eyes. Especially if they don't want them opened.

Exactly. My best friend married a guy I did not like. I was the Maid of Honor at their wedding and everything. I did spend time with her the night before. And all I said to her was, "I just don't like him. I'm sorry, but I don't. But go ahead with what makes you happy."

They divorced less than a year later. That was in the 80s. She has since told me that I was right, that he was not terribly likeable and had other issues that I will not go into here.

Anyway, my advice is, say something but make it very, very little. Be honest about your feelings. I did not want to spend time with this guy or hug him or anything but I did want to spend time with her so I told her I was not a fan of him but that I would support her in whatever she personally wanted. I did not tear him down, did not denigrate her choice, etc. Frankly I was hoping that he'd prove me wrong, but he never did.

Erin--

A good friend is a support, not a moral dictator.

Your friend sounds confused. You're confused. A great deal of life--including important decisions--takes place in states of confusion.

You are entitled to mention your qualms to your friend--once. Then be prepared to listen.

Good luck.

My only suggestion would be to give her financial tid bits on how to save money for "emergencies" Maybe even help her open a separate account so that she has a good , secret, secure amount of money to help her in the event that she ever needs it for anything. Im not saying give her money, just help her maybe research some banks, get her some information packages about different savings accounts etc..

But, no matter how much you love her, you can not control her.

And in the big scheme of things, the people who will lose from this relationship is THEM, not you. So it is close to being 'not your business' ( and not in a rude way.. ) and out of your control.

Dont try to control their relationship, and how she behaves in her relationship.
Just be the friend that is always there and supportive of her no matter what as others have suggested.

Usually these "unsuspecting" fiances are not nearly as unsuspecting as we may assume.
In fact, it may have been part of the reason of the ring came out at this time.

My point is, go ahead and worry if you want to yourself. For your friend. For the groom. For yourself. For whoever.

But one thing to keep in mind, people usually keep some little bits to themselves that they don't tell even to friends.

And even when they don't, things work out in the end. Somehow, as they have chosen.

Me, in that situation, would air my opinion once if asked by my friend. But after that, once the decision is made and it's said and done, it's about support.

Mantra for when you wanna yap: I'm supporting my friend. It doesn't necessarily mean I support all her decisions.