how do i fix my marriage?

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let me start by saying that i'm desperate to fix my marriage, i love my wife, and our children. i truly believe that our marriage can be fixed in time, but i'm not sure how to do it.

my wife and i had been dating for about a year and a half when we were married. she was 18 and two weeks out of high school, and i was 20. we have now been married for five and a half years. about a year ago my wife had an affair. i accepted the fact that i had shut her out and left her feeling alone. i understand her view of why she had an affair, and i'll never forgive myself for driving her to that. for the last year i have worked tirelessly at fixing our marriage, obviously there's been a lot of trust issues and fighting because of it.

then about a month ago, we got into a huge fight. i had lost my job about six weeks before that, and she threw out how worthless i was that i couldn't find a job, and in the heat of the moment, fueled with anger i told her to get out. so she did. now she seems dead set on a divorce. i agree to a point. i believe that if we can't figure out how to work this out then yes we should get a divorce. but i really believe that we can work things out.

we have two beautiful children. my son is eight (from a previous relationship) whom i have custody of. my wife has been more of a mother to him than his real mother has (whom has not had contact with him in over three years). i know that she loves him as thought he were her own child. and our daughter is 2. i try desperately to keep peace with her and not fight with her about any of the stupid stuff we have fought about. i know that she is angry and hurt. i know that the words i said cut deep, and if i could take them back i would. but i cannot, and for that i will never forgive myself.

my wife has been living with her mother for the last month, and there's really no room for her to have the kids there. i'm now back to work, and we've fixed our work schedules so that our days off do not align together as so one of us can be there with the kids as much as possible. on the days that she gets off work before the kids go to bed she comes over and helps get them ready for bed. on days that she works late she's here in the morning to get our son off to school and spend time with our daughter.
i try to give her as much space as i can without avoiding her completely outside of that.

i love my wife with all my heart. i know that my life will go on without her, and i know that i will eventually be happy again. and frankly over the last few weeks, i've come to be quite happy spending just the little bit of time with her that i do while she's here with the kids. an a rare occassion she'll stick around after the kids are in bed for a few hours and we'll play a video game or watch a show together.

yes, life will go on without her. but that's not what i want. not for me. and i know that our kids would be better off with both of us together. only if we can fix our problems. but how? how do i get her do even consider that? how do i make her feel like she once felt for me when she's got me so shut out? and how do we keep that going if she does return? i really don't see how counciling will help by rehashing all of our problems and digging up all the pain and emotion, even if i could get her to agree to it.

i know that someone out there has to have gone through this, or know someone who has. please help me!

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Well, I think the first thing to do would be to talk to her and find out if she has any desire at all to save the marriage. Tell her you want to stay together. If she has any desire at all to try to work things out, then maybe counseling would be a good place to start. You might want to suggest that to her one evening when the two of you are together.

The fact that she spends time with you when she is there with the kids is a good thing. Doing stuff together (watching a movie, video games, etc) is certainly a good start in my opinion toward getting the relationship going again. Just don't push too hard too quickly.

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You could try treating her as if you weren't married, and you're meeting her for the very first time all over again.

You could try taking communication courses, or at least reading some books. For your circumstances, I would recommend 'Crucial Conversations', and "Leadership and Self Deception" which are the two most eye openning books I've read about conflict.

You could also try going and seeing a counselor (by yourself, or with her). Just realise that counsellors have varying degrees of effectiveness, depending on their talent for it.

You could make her a coffee and sit down with her, or give her a massage and talk with her. Take her out on a picnic somewhere maybe.

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If she does not to want to fix it you are dead in the water, it takes two people. All you have is your knowledge of her, you need to find an approach and an argument that she will respond to. In doing this it would be helpful if you knew why she has given up on the marriage, do you know? If you don't figure it out, if all else fails ask her and see if you get an answer that helps you to figure it out. As a general statement if you know where she is emotionally and what she cares about you should be able to make a successful pitch to give the marriage another try.

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Re: how do i fix my marriage?
Hello, nbyers, Welcome to A2K

nbyers wrote:

let me start by saying that i'm desperate to fix my marriage, i love my wife, and our children. i truly believe that our marriage can be fixed in time, but i'm not sure how to do it.

my wife and i had been dating for about a year and a half when we were married. she was 18 and two weeks out of high school, and i was 20. we have now been married for five and a half years. about a year ago my wife had an affair. i accepted the fact that i had shut her out and left her feeling alone. i understand her view of why she had an affair, and i'll never forgive myself for driving her to that. for the last year i have worked tirelessly at fixing our marriage, obviously there's been a lot of trust issues and fighting because of it.

Lots of stuff here... First, don't be desperate. Desperate folks do desperate things and you need to be relaxed in your approach rather than desperate. Second, you were both young when you met/married. I'm not exactly clear if you met at 20 or married at 20 but regardless, you were both young. Lots of things change between 20 and 28 and unless you were changing in the same directions as a couple then the schism can get pretty deep. I'm not getting a good sense of growth as a couple during your marriage. Third, you did not drive her to have an affair. She chose to have an affair based on the circumstances she was in. You chose to forgive her. We all make choices, no one drives us to them. Next, you've been working tirelessly to fix the marriage (there's that desperation again). Has she been working at it equally hard?

nbyers wrote:

then about a month ago, we got into a huge fight. i had lost my job about six weeks before that, and she threw out how worthless i was that i couldn't find a job, and in the heat of the moment, fueled with anger i told her to get out. so she did. now she seems dead set on a divorce. i agree to a point. i believe that if we can't figure out how to work this out then yes we should get a divorce. but i really believe that we can work things out.

Are there good times mixed in between these fights?

nbyers wrote:

my wife has been living with her mother for the last month, and there's really no room for her to have the kids there. i'm now back to work, and we've fixed our work schedules so that our days off do not align together as so one of us can be there with the kids as much as possible. on the days that she gets off work before the kids go to bed she comes over and helps get them ready for bed. on days that she works late she's here in the morning to get our son off to school and spend time with our daughter. I try to give her as much space as i can without avoiding her completely outside of that.

kudos to you both for taking care of the kid's needs.

nbyers wrote:

i love my wife with all my heart. i know that my life will go on without her, and i know that i will eventually be happy again. and frankly over the last few weeks, i've come to be quite happy spending just the little bit of time with her that i do while she's here with the kids. an a rare occassion she'll stick around after the kids are in bed for a few hours and we'll play a video game or watch a show together.

ah, good. You've calmed down some and are allowing things to reach a natural flow. Doesn't sound nearly so desperate.

nbyers wrote:

yes, life will go on without her. but that's not what i want. not for me. and i know that our kids would be better off with both of us together. only if we can fix our problems. but how? how do i get her do even consider that? how do i make her feel like she once felt for me when she's got me so shut out? and how do we keep that going if she does return? i really don't see how counciling will help by rehashing all of our problems and digging up all the pain and emotion, even if i could get her to agree to it.

i know that someone out there has to have gone through this, or know someone who has. please help me!

It's going to take time. You threw her out of the house -- now you both have trust issues to resolve. You have to find trust in her love and she has to find trust in her personal safety and well-being. Sounds like the work of a good counselor to me. It seems you're looking to forget the past and start anew, but as you've already witnessed the past can come back to bite you if it isn't properly healed.

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update
yes, in between our fighting there have been many good memoried mixed in with the bad. last spring we went to a state park and went hiking for a weekend. i also like to play video games and a few months ago she brought home a new one that she knew she would like and thought i would enjoy playing with her. so on average two nights a week we would sit down after the kids were in bed and play together for an hour or two. laughs, smiles and kisses were all pretty regular. but the fights were always about some of the stupidest little things. one of us would be irritated w/something and mention it and the other would instantly go on the defensive and it's all downhill from there.

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Quote:

but the fights were always about some of the stupidest little things. one of us would be irritated w/something and mention it and the other would instantly go on the defensive and it's all downhill from there.

Frequent bitter fights about "little things" usually indicate that at least one spouse is spending a lot of time close to a snapping point.

This is the sort of issue that a good counselor can help you understand. Change can follow understanding.

It may be too late to save a bad marriage, but you might be able to have a good divorce.

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Gee, you two were very young when you got married, then two kids came.

I wonder if either of you are going back to school or taking classes, or working towards getting a better job or education.

The reason why I am asking is that I sense that, if it were up to you, not seeing her "that much" and playing video games and smooching on the couch once in a while would be alright with you for . . . forever.

You two need to sit down and talk about where you want to be living, doing, and earning in 5, 10 and 15 years. If you two don't grow together, one of you is going to be left behind.

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nbyers,
the first step to achieving your desire is believing that you can achieve it and taking the necessary action.First action is to find a means of opening up a platform for discussions on issues that have led to the present situation and try to both agree on how to forgive each other and start your marriage on a new love.
Or what do you think?

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How do I fix my marriage
I think you need to fix yourself first. Go see a marriage counselor...fast.

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Hang In There Dude
Hi,

Don't give up on your marriage. I commend you for keeping it together after your wife had the affair, there aren't a lot of men that can say they would have stayed in the relationship. Counselling is definately a viable option. Getting an independent third party involved sometimes had a fresh perspective. It is clear that you love her and I hope it works out for you.

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The first thing that stood out for me was your ages.

People do hang in when marrying that early, hang in for decades ever faithful. I know it can work, but I see it as rowing against the tide of life, not to mention some nasty older marriages.

I'll state my point of view early here, that early marriage is promoted to have teens and slightly olders avoid premarital sex. I say this as an old avid Ligorian reader, for any mention of sex, even sinful. five decades ago.

(and yes, I know people married earlier for a lot of other reasons. I'm talking about now, though I point my 'now' within a certain geographic area.)

Not that I want you two to divorce. I hope for you some useful conversations.

If that really doesn't work out, I'd be talking to an attorney. I might even do that to start with to get a scope of the situation, while perhaps not acting.

An attorney can make you angrier, which might be right or not. Naturally, there are as many different attorneys as ... well, whatever.

The best thing would be if you and your wife could really talk.

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how do i fix my marriage?

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