Daughter in-law

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I have a son that is married and has three children. I have never felt comfortable around my daughter in-law. I honestly don't know what to talk to her about and if I do try to start a conversation her answers are yes and know. She never offers anything for a conversation. She is very close to her mother and family other than that she doesn't have friends. My son has told me her friends are her family. I have done everything that I know to do to make her feel like she is a part of our family. At Christmas I took a platter of cookies and baked a cake and took to their house. My son invited us to come to their house for breakfast on Christmas morning. I took the cookies and cake and put them on the table and neither she nor my son even acknowledged that I brought them. I have made cookies and sent for Valentines' Day and they would never say a word. I have kept the children so she and my son could go on vacation together.
I had bunion surger and my husband had a stint put in and she has never called once to see how we are doing. All of the communication is through my son. Do I expect too much from the daughter in-law or is this unusual for her to not show any concern at all? I just don't understand .

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My sympathies to you about all the stress your under with your hubby's health stuff and your own.

I'm a bit confused about this situation. Didn't you already post this same scenario regarding a 'friend'?

http://www.able2know.org/forums/viewtopic.php?p=3060327#3060327

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Just accept thats the way things are. some people are just not socially inclined.

Keep doing nice things for them and take pleasure from the fact that you have done them.

You can tell your son that it would be nice for your efforts to be acknowledged but not dont tell DIL.

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i agree. i'm what he is talking about. i hate being social but i dont hate people. i just get tired of mindless banter.

if you find something in common im sure you will both get along great.

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Ragman,

I do have a post regarding a friend but she was going through a lot of emotional problems with her husband at the time. We did talk things over and understood each others feelings. My daughter in-law is a total different story, she is a member of our family. Should I talk to her about the way I feel or just let things be the way they are? Would it make matters worse?

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Ogionik.
Why do you not like being social?

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iono, i just hate you know.

like at work "hi *insert lame joke* alright man seeya round! *another lame joke* ok HEY BUDDY! *insert lame joke*

i mean, ive never been able to have a conversation ABOUT ANYTHING!. its always mindless banter...

after a while people just get very very very irritating.

theres other things but im done caring about them if you know what i mean.
im learning to forgive people Smile

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Jodie, is your son happy? Does he seem satisfied? Is she a good mother to your grandchildren? Are they happy?
Those are the questions we had to ask about my brother and his wife many years ago. She too was extremely standoffish for a very long time. During family gatherings at my mother's house, you would find her in a room by herself reading a magazine. She did not socialize with us at all if she could help it.
That was twenty-five years ago. Amazingly, she came out of her shell after about fifteen years of marriage and, although she's still shy, she does talk and laugh and engage in conversation with the family now. I just think it took longer for her to grow and come into herself as a woman. Who knows why?

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lol i put i just hate you know, thats a type my text thing jumps around for no reason so when i type it will jump into the middle of a sentence i already typed.

yeah..

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Hi Jodie,

Have you ever practised asking open ended questions until you can ask them without thinking? (which of course involves knowing when to use open ended and closed questions)

And also, have you ever practised picking up key phrases, or repeating the last word, or the paraphrased question etc, in order to keep conversations going?

Well, personally, I still need a lot of practise at such things myself...there are so many things to intrinsically know Very Happy

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Hi Jodie:

There are lots of people out there that don't seem to need others - after all, she does still have her family and I believe you said they were close.

Just keep loving them and giving them whatever you want to give, and accept her as she is. There's nothing wrong with her, she's just wired differently than you.

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I have several inattentive step-daughters-in-law (and their husbands aren't exactly exerting themselves to keep up ties with either me or their father).

My figuring is that these women weren't put on earth--or brought into the family--to make me happy. They exist to please husbands and children and I wish them well.

Hostility might have to be dealt with. Indifference? There are many worse relationships than indifference.

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Noddy
I understand what you mean but I feel very uncomfortable around her.
Sometimes I wonder if my son is happy or if he just goes along to get along. But that is his problem. I do think she is a good mother.
I am very much a people person. I guess I am just a totally different person that she is. I always wanted my children to know both sides of the family. All of the communication is through my son. When it comes to her I am not looking for a friend. I just think it puts a damper on the relationship that the grandchildren could have with us. Do you think it is rude of she and my son for not acknowledging the fact that I brought cookies or a cake. I did this because I wanted to but I think the least a person can do is say thanks. My son sure wasn't raised to be that way.
Another thing that I have noticed my son treats me with love and respect when she is not around. I am wondering if there might be some jealousy on her part. The relationship of being a mother and a wife are totally different.

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Jodie--

Of course they should have said "Thank you for the cookies."

There is a big difference between what people "should" do and what they actually do.

If after all these years you are still expecting "Thank you" you are either a cock-eyed optimist or out of touch with reality.

You can't change your d-i-l--or your son. You can face the fact that they are not going to say "Thank you".

Then decide whether or not to cut off the cookies.

You can change what you do--or what you expect. You won't necessarily like the results of the changes that you make, but that is also your choice.

Do the best you can. Angels can do no more.

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My mother brought round some apple cake the other day that was left over from some function.

so I made her coffee and sat down and I ate a slice I was a bit peckish so I ate another as we chatted.

I got into trouble when I started on the 3rd slice.

"Your not going to sit there and eat it all now are you are you" <looks>

Can't win with mothers.

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If nothing else, jodie, you caught my attention on inattentive DIL's. Called my MIL for the first time in ages yesterday. :wink:

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JPB

Great at least something good came from my post.

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Daughter in-law

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