The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

Well, I don't feel old, but my eggs sure do! or Maybe this year I'll marry Todd. I'm not getting any younger! The birthday girl smiles a bit too widely as she delivers these lines, and everyone laughs a little too hard for a little too long, not because we find these sentiments funny, but because we're awkwardly acknowledging how unfunny they are. At their core, they pose one of the most complicated, painful, and pervasive dilemmas many single women are forced to grapple with nowadays: Is it better to be alone, or to settle?

My advice is this: Settle! That's right. Don't worry about passion or intense connection. Don't nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling "Bravo!" in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go. Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year. (It's hard to maintain that level of zingThe Mary Tyler Moore Showand going all the way to Friends[/], feature endearing single women in the dating trenches, and there's supposed to be something romantic and even heroic about their search for true love. Of course, the crucial difference is that, whereas the earlier series begins after Mary has been jilted by her fiancé, the more modern-day Friendsopens as Rachel Green leaves her nice-guy orthodontist fiancé at the altar simply because she isn't feeling it. But either way, in episode after episode, as both women continue to be unlucky in love, settling starts to look pretty darn appealing. Mary is supposed to be contentedly independent and fulfilled by her newsroom family, but in fact her life seems lonely. Are we to assume that at the end of the series, Mary, by then in her late 30s, found her soul mate after the lights in the newsroom went out and her work family was disbanded? If her experience was anything like mine or that of my single friends, it's unlikely.

And while Rachel and her supposed soul mate, Ross, finally get together (for the umpteenth time) in the finale of Friends, do we feel confident that she'll be happier with Ross than she would have been had she settled down with Barry, the orthodontist, 10 years earlier? She and Ross have passion but have never had long-term stability, and the fireworks she experiences with him but not with Barry might actually turn out to be a liability, given how many times their relationship has already gone up in flames. It's equally questionable whether Sex and the CityYeah, I'll see him again. Maybe I can settle for that. But my very next thought was, Maybe I can settle for better.Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Manp or Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School whose titles alone make it clear that today's supposedly progressive bachelorettes aren't waiting for old-fashioned true love to strike before they can get married. Instead, they're buying dozens of proactive coaching manuals to learn how to strategically land a man. The actual man in question, though, seems so irrelevant that, to my mind, these women might as well grab a well-dressed guy off the street, drag him into the nearest bar, buy him a drink, and ask him to marry her. (Or, to retain her "power," she should manipulate him into asking herWhy Smart Men Marry Smart WomenWait, if I'm such a great catch, why should I settle for anyone less than my equal? If I'm so fabulous, don't I deserve true romantic connection?

Only one popular book that I can think of in the vast "find a man" genre (like most single women confounded by their singleness, I'm embarrassingly well versed) takes the opposite approach. In He's Just Not That Into You, written by the happily married Greg Behrendt and the unhappily single Liz Tuccillo, the duo exhorts women not to settle. But the book's format is telling: Behrendt gives perky pep talks to women unable to find a worthy match, while Tuccillo repeatedly comments on how hard it is to take her co-author's advice, because while being with a partner who is "beneath you" (Behrendt's term) is problematic, being single just plain "sucks" (Tuccillo's term).

Before I got pregnant, though, I also read single-mom books such as thatShe'llhaimishBroadcast New

Hmmmm....

On the one hand I'm somewhat sympathetic. I have friends who have been unrealistic in their approach to relationships, I think, and set up expectations that can never be met by any human being. I agree that there should be some adjustment there.

But I disagree with the idea of just settling for any old guy, especially since this is explicitly about childrearing. I see it so often here, and occasionally (if less often) in real life -- a woman gets married to a guy who is good enough if not great, they have kids, and then things go south. That's not good for the kids and it's not good for the woman.

If a woman has not been able to find "her" guy in say 15 years, or has not been able to nab him, logic would suggest that he either does not exist or she can't get him. Looking for a mate is marketing yourself, and going on the market, and the market will decide your choices. Once the market has been thoroughly explored women have two choices, conform to the market valuations or go with out. As a guy I figure that women do enough shopping that they would figure this out....apparently not.

Along parallel lines last week there was was in the Washington Post a blurb about how older French chicks have on average lots of great sex, older American chicks not so much. It was decided that in large part this happens because American women are too picky for their own good. French women can make do with what they have available, make it work for them. The Americans are more prone to hold out and keep searching for better choices.

I grabbed my mate early, and held on to her with both hands. I got lucky. I can hope that we got lucky. Or have good judgement.




If you want it all, marriage, education, career, parenthood, etc. then you've got to get your priorities straight. Which of these are the most important, and which can you delay?

I think people idolize love. They think that if you argue over picking up socks, or who plunged the toilet last, that it can't be love. Or (like a not-to-be-identified bachelor I know) they want the infatuation phase of a relationship to last forever.

Eventually, the shine comes off the penny. Which I think is the author's point.

She's not asking anyone to polish a turd, but to at least give the dingy penny a second look.

What a fascinating article, says Ms. Picky.

My keenest priority was a mate with an interesting mind, plus that elusive thing called love. And what do I mean by interesting mind, long story, but the long story would be beside the point. I'm glad I held out for that; I was never bored in our relationship/marriage.

Hawkeye10,

The reason the "older" French women you refer to are having a better time than their American counterparts is that the French see beyond a woman's chronological age to the personality and style that make her great to be with, no matter her age. The youthfulness cult in America does a lot of damage to relationships, existing and not-yet existing.

One of my former students--kind, intelligent, attractive, and full of passion for living--had a miserable time finding Mr. Right. Eventually, she began to talk about settling for Mr. Okay. I told her that, even though she was actively looking, the guy she was really searching for would appear at a random moment, a time not necessarily related to her efforts. She held out for the man she hoped for, and he suddenly came into view when she was 36. They are very happily married. Actually, they asked me to become a notary so that I could perform the ceremony. What an honor--and I could truly feel the love as they said their vows. A wondrous experience. I am so very glad that she did not settle for Mr. Okay. She might haver been sorry--a deeply bad scenario is to finally encounter Mr. Right after you've married Mr. Okay.

Both American men and American women are more concerned with the package than the french are, and it does put older American women in a difficult spot. There will always be less aged women interested in the best of the older men, and if exterior beauty is highly rated by the men the younger women will get these guys. What this means is that even more so than for the french time is not on a woman's side. It is even more important for the American women to not be picky once they get deep into their 30's than it is for the French. Unfortunately they are more picky than the French.

There is an underlying premise in the article that to be alone is to be bereft in a sea of mated boats. I've been alone, or arguably going it alone, in some parts of my life. When I was thirty, I was unhappy about a specific nonmarrying situation. I was later married a long time. And then alone. But, over a long life, given I've had real connection with real people, I haven't regretted my alone time.

In some ways, I see Fright of Being Alone as a motive for many peculiar choices people make.

To be perfectly truthful, I married my first husband so I wouldn't have to answer "no, I've never been married" anymore when the question came up, and oh boy it it.

I knew it would be so much more acceptable to be able to look someone in the eye and say, "no, I'm divorced"



Seriously.
You know the way there's this ackward pause in a conversation when someone asks "Do you have any kids?" or, being assumptive "So, how many kids do you have?" and you answer, "No" or "None"? If you don't say anything else, eventually the other person will say something like "oh, that's ok" (gee thanks for your approval/permission).

The same thing starts happening after a certain age when you aren't married, or at least been married at some point.

Being able to say "I'm divorced" at least said to people "yes, but at least I was desireable enough at one point to be wanted by someone."

Oh sure, like I care what other people think...I wasn't afraid of people thinking "oh, poor dear", I was tired of their uncomfortable pauses, hoping you'd give some explanation.

i thought i had it bad longing for "true love" and a baby of my own.

im 23, i was planning on having a kid before 25. but im not even started in collegge yet! i have like 4 years left.