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Sun 17 Feb, 2008 11:03 am
Hi all!
My husband of just under 2 years lies to me alot, how much exactly I'm not sure because he's so devious that I only find out when I've caught him in some untruth. In the past he has lied about chatting online/cybersex with both males and females, contacting his ex, and drug-taking. A few years ago he gave up drinking as he behaved dreadfully while drunk (I won't provide the gory details), in the last 6 months he has starting drinking surreptitiously, on 3 occasions that I am certain of.
It's truly horrible when I beg him to tell me the truth about a particular thing and he looks into my eyes and lies through his teeth. Continually. I've frequently expressed the pain this is causing me and the distress of turning into a paranoid detective who has to double-check everything he tells me, but to no avail, he persists.
To those readers who have made it this far...many thanks, it's good to share!
To those who choose to comment, many many thanks, it's good to feel listened to!
Hoping to hear from you,
irishwife.
the usual a2k women will be along momentarily to cluck and tell you to leave the bastard. they may right in this case.
Why do you stay?
Are you yourself addicted to this lifestyle? There is a horrible roller coaster that these kinds of relationships take and they have their extreme highs and lows ... all of which can be semi addicting.
So , he is providing you a source of drama, intrigue, guessing and obsession that is a way to completely envelope yourself into something outside of you.
yes it is exhausting.
Yes it is tiresome and painful.
But, yes, you keep playing into it. It is time to just stop.
Oh honey.. save yourself and leave. Stop riding that roller coaster.
The highs are getting smaller ( sober , normal times) and the drops are farther and farther down.
But you know this.
There is no advice to be given that will change him or you.
Now it is time to just leave.
( been there.. done that a few times. Trust me, when you are OUT of that kind of relationship? life is amazing.. )
Re: Oh man, this hurts!
irishwife2008 wrote:Hi all!
To those readers who have made it this far...many thanks, it's good to share!
To those who choose to comment, many many thanks, it's good to feel listened to!
Hoping to hear from you,
irishwife.
Leave the looser BEFORE you get pregnant!
BBB
irishwife2008 - Welcome to A2K!
I am one of those "usual" A2K women. IMO one of the most important things in a relationship is trust and integrity. If a person does not have that in a marriage, it is not a marriage, but an emotionally draining hell.
Bear, in his inimitable way, cut right to the chase. I agree. Leave the s.o.b. You are much too important to have to put up with a cheat and a liar.
Irishwife2008,
Welcome to A2K. I wish your opening post had reflected a more peaceful life for you, but here's what I think about your present situation. I am a married male, by the way.
Your husband is, indeed, inspiring paranoia in you--his behavior would inspire paranoia in anyone who cared about keeping him on the straight and narrow. You don't need this in your life. Nobody does! My mother, who was divorced, then engaged a couple of times but never remarried, would occasionally remark (not her own phrase) "I'd rather be alone than wish I were."
People who lie about drug use and alcohol are true nightmare material. They do NOT typically get better unless THEY deeply want to. With your best will in the world, and now matter how agreeable he many sometimes sound, you are not going to change your husband's behavior. He must want to change it, immediately and irrevocably.
If you can speak with a counselor (even--maybe, preferably--on your own), you might do so for the consolation of expert confirmation. You might also do well to see a lawyer for advice, as I agree with BBB and the others on this thread, that, sadly, you are no longer married to the person you thought he was, and to save yourself (of primary importance in this situation), you'll need to leave him, clearly and finally.
I'll be thinking of you and hoping for the best resolution for you.
Irishwife--
Welcome to A2k.
Basically you'll have to make a choice: Live with a liar or live without a liar.
You've spent two years discovering that you're married to an unreliable stranger. Is this what you want? Is this what you deserve?
Why did you marry him and why have you stayed with him?
It must be exhausting, living with an abusive drunk and chronic liar (sociopath) I bet he takes up so much of your time that you don't even have time to focus on yourself.
At least he's something to do, huh?
Go to at least 3 Alanon Meetings and then post here again.
I'm sorry, this is Tough Love - but YOU have more problems than just him!
I was married to a liar for 16 years, somethings just don't change.
I don't know if this will help make it clearer.
People stay because they feel they are betraying the love they first felt, if they go.
They stay because they think they SHOULD be able to make the thing work.
They stay because to leave is to abandon all the effort they have already invested, and that just gets more with each passing day.
The AlAnon idea is a good one. The central office will be in the phone book, and they will give you time and location of a meeting not far from you. Many of those people have been where you are, and will help with perspective.
I hope you can cut your losses and get out, living with a liar just confuses and desensitises you. Life should be better than that.
Old saying, but it's true...
A woman marries a man thinking he will change, but he never will.
A man marries a woman thinking she will never change, but she always will.
In other words, get used to it or get out. He is not going to change.
Your only real question should be: Is this really how I want to live???
The best thing you can do for yourself right now, is to find yourself a therapist. Then you can figure out what and who you want in your life. It will make a difference...for you.
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