screwed up situation....

What do you want for yourself? Putting his needs aside for a moment, where would you like to go from here?

Well, I feel at home with him when we are on drugs and I feel that this is the life for me.

When I am off the drugs, then I feel all trapped.

I come from a very traditional indian family. I didn't have lots of support during the divorce. Now, I am under lots of pressure to remarry. I feel that I until I remarry, I can watch over him and help him whenever he needs it. I wish that there was a way that he would find someone else and free me from the guilt.

ok, but that's what you want HIM to do. The options you have for yourself are to stay on drugs or to stop using. Which is your preference?

I would prefer to stop using.

Ok, so how could you go about doing that? Assuming you aren't willing to cut off all ties cold turkey, are you able to force yourself to see him without using?

I don't know how to go about doing it. I know I could see him while not using.

I feel so dependent on the drugs and him to make it through each day.

Do you smoke just when the two of you are together or at other times as well? And, how often do the two of you get together and get high?

I think you need to get out of this, while I can understand getting into all of it.

Do you remember you, before all this mess?

Emotional dependence is an actual term used in the counseling biz. Normally the feeling is that any emotional dependence or any dependence of any kind is a bad thing. I don't take that view, I think we need to decide what dependencies are ones that we want to break. There are downsides to dependency, such as it can give others power over us, and their is the risk that what we need will no longer be available.

So you have two dependencies, to weed and to your ex. Do you want or need to do anything about either one? I don't know, but your opening statement kinda sounded like you want to break your dependence upon your ex. There are ways to do that, for instance finding what you need with-in you, and creating a social network to support you.

The only thing I would caution you about it in trying to break both of your addictions at the same time. If you choose to break both do them one at a time.

I only get high with him. We usually meet up on the weekends when we both have lots of time. Neither of us have any other friends.

I've known him since I was a teenager, so it is difficult for me to know what it would be like to be without permanently.

I feel like I want to break my dependency on both of them, but I have mixed feelings about it. How do I figure out what is the best path for me and him?

You aren't responsible for choosing his best path -- only he can do that. You need to assess what's happening in your life and decide if he's bringing you down or holding you back -- only you can do that. Then you need to make the best decision for you.

Jiven--

Your Ex Husband was not functioning well when you two were married.

He's not functioning well now that you're married only on weekends.

Perhaps a total divorce would be good for him--or a total divorce might make no difference in his life but would improve your life.

You'll never know until you try.

I think you truly need to move on and get him out of your life. I know right now that advice probably sounds selfish and uncaring to you, but you will have to face the facts one day that he will bring you down. You can either be with him and the both of you will lay in a pit forever, or you can leave him alone and at least one of you can be saved. The fact that he has no friends or family is not and should not be your problem. I am a victim of this myself but you can't let other people's problems be your own as well. It is time that the both of you meet new friends. If he continues to smoke pot after you are gone that is his issue, not yours. All you can do is give him the hope of a better life without drugs, you can't hold his hand through it. I know it isn't easy finding friends, especially friends you can rely on not to get you back into drugs. But if it is really that serious, he should think about rehab. At least in rehab there is the potentual to meet people who are in the same situation and together they will fight it. No one can tell you not to care about someone or to be concerned for their well-being, that is natural. In order to save him, you need to save yourself first, otherwise you are useless to him. You can't help a druggy to quit if you yourself are a druggy. The most important step for you to make is first to separate yourself from him. Then quit. Get yourself some new friends, and then write to him. It is important for his therapy to know that you are well, clean, and starting a new life. It will give him hope that he can have the same life. Make sure you keep your distance from him and keep the writing to a minimal. Constant contact is not healthy. He needs the chance to clear his mind and make his own decisions.

it is overly symplistic to say that you should separate yourself from him, get away from him. Right now you are dependent upon him for part of what you need to be emotionally stable and happy. You cut him away and you will go through pain and destabilization as any addict going through withdrawal does. You are going to have to find other ways to get what you need emotionally, either through a group of friends or other support group, or from within yourself.

I would caution you to line up your cards before you take drastic action. Start actively trying to find friends, look into counseling and 12 step programs, learn to love yourself enough to be OK with you if you are all alone. When you feel strong enough, have enough support, and understand what it is you need to do, then will be the time to end it with him once and for all. You don't want to do anything this difficult with out first putting yourself in a position to be successfull.

Hawkeye--

Good post.

Pity is SUCH a demeaning emotion to have for someone else. But that's what you have for him. That is NOT love, it's Pity.

He is also manipulating (i.e. USING) you! He's playing you like a fiddle, lady. He's the little boy that needs to be mothered and you do that for him. And because you are addicted to HIM and to DRUGS, you are stuck.

Good thing is - addiction is treatable!

When the pain becomes more than the pleasure, you will make some movement to either get yourself in treatment - OR stay in this role you have a love/hate feeling about.

You are totally right! I am addicted to him. Sometimes I can't breathe when I try to envision my life without him.

How do I get over my addiction to him? it is WAY too ovverwhelming. Our lives are just slipping away and years have been wasted.

You are in luck..there are addiction support groups and services all over the place. Check in your local community and also look on the net for information and forum groups. You will have many approaches to choose from.