Guilt over leaving marriage

Run. I mean it. Run everyday. Or work out at a gym.

Eat more vegetables and fruit.

And most importantly like yourslef.

ps you wont start to like yourself unless you run and eat fruit.

nachshle- Welcome to A2K!

First if all, you have not left your ex-wife "in the lurch". If your marriage was not a positive experience, having children would have only made the situation worse, not better.

You talk about being depressed before the split. What have you done in the last few years, to help you get over the depression, and get on with your life? Are you seeing a therapist?

I think that it is important that you learn why you are depressed, and why you feel guilty about ending a marriage that was not a positive one.

How old were you at the time, nachshle?

If you were approaching 40 at the time (37 - 40) then it very well could have been a mid-life crisis. It is very common (normal?) for men to go through a period of depression as they approach 40. It's also very common to leave their marriages only to discover a few years later that the problem wasn't the marriage at all.

Did you remarry or are you still single as well?

Get the real help for the depression. That's all there is to it.
Strengthen those proactive muscles, starve off the ones that place the control "out there" (in the past, on someone else, on your situation, anything).

To start with, your depression has not continued because you made a choice years ago to leave a marriage.

The depression has continued because you have not done what is necessary to help bring it to a close. That doesn't make you 'bad' or unworthy of happiness. It simply means you have given over and neglected the opportunities for positive change.
THAT choice - you can control.
You can seek out solutions, and positives.

You are choosing to continue to believe all the nasty things inside talking about you and your life - and letting that be in charge!

It's things like that. Start paying attention to what is going through your mind, and coming out your mouth, and out your fingers that you type, and what you doing.

People who are depressed often sink into a line of thinking that is so distorted, they can't even see anymore any other way to see it or that it is based on distortion.
In other words, that what you are thinking is simply belief and not the
Absolute and Rational truth of the situation!

So how have you addressed the depression so far? You gotta own it before things can change.
You are struggling with depression - you need a qualified hand - it is nobody's fault (including your own).

Your responsibilities lie in investigating this honestly, and finding a way to care and respect yourself again.

Can you say yet that you are ready and committed to do that?

Having kids at 34? Don't know if I'd say that was the "optimal" age. (Maybe 24!!)

In any case, you must STOP focusing on other people's feelings and deal with your own.

Your state is what it is - (I know, that's one of the hated phrases lately). TIME is passing. Get on with YOUR life

And - get down on your knees and give thanks you are not doing this 20 years from now!!!

and I agree - start eating right and exercise. It'll be like a dose of antidepressants. Join a gym!

Some background info. I grew depressed because I didn't want to be in the relationship, and hadn't right from the beginning. I knew it was wrong from the start, but for whatever reason didn't do anything about it. It was my first ever relationship of any kind. And I kept it going right until I was 35. So you can see the amount of guilt I carry. I am still single.

I have been seeing a therapist, but no matter what people say to me, I can't get over this feeling. And, yes, I have been doing lots of running!

Sullyfish66, most women are older nowadays when they have their first
baby. 24 isn't the norm any longer.

nachshle, have you talked to your exwife about this feeling of guilt?
Perhaps she is happier now too. I mean, it's been three years and she
moved on and probably has, or has had other relationships since then.

I understand that you feel guilty for having left her, but if you analyze
these feelings they aren't helping either one of you. It's actually a
complete waste of emotional turmoil that can be put to better use. So
take the guilt and do something for women - volunteer in a shelter for
battered women, in a rape crisis center or someplace else where you
can put your guilt to better use. Be proactive!

Yes, I have talked to my ex. She wants me to move on as well, even tho she is having some problems at the moment, mostly stemming from her childhood. I worry about her. It hurts me a lot to see her in this situation, I would like to see her happy and with someone and with a family.

I am trying to be proactive. I work in a social profession, which has been a lifesaver. In some ways its the only thing that keeps me going. I have recently shifted to a new location as well.

You know, making mistakes is part of life. None of us is free from it.
If you can forgive yourself for making that mistake, then you're working
on your guilt as well.

Marriages fail, that's a fact and you are not alone in this. I think, before
you address the guilt, you need to learn how to forgive yourself, and
how to address your depression. Perhaps that should be your first step:
work on your depression with a good therapist, and move from there
to your feelings of guilt.

How would your life be, if you had stayed in your marriage?
Wouldn't you feel guilty of staying in a marriage where love and happiness
was pretended? Isn't it so much better that you have given your wife
the opportunity to find someone who truly loves her, instead of staying
with you?

Someone once told me that guilt is "nothing more than when we have not met our own expectations we have set for ourselves about who we are supposed to be in order to be worthy".

Looking at your expectations can help. Changing them so they are more realistic and in line with the total picture in mind can help.

In the worst of my depression, which I struggled with for a long time Nachshle, my guilt and shame was eating me alive.

With a lot of hard work, I came to realize that my worth is not tied to any internal nor external forms of validation ex. through meeting expectations. This gives freedom to change those expectations to something that works, rather than the tail wagging the dog.

You can not go back and change what you chose as a young man. You CAN change how you look at it, how you feel about it, and how you go into the future from now on.

To be honest, of all the mistakes you could make in this life, yours isn't so bad. It is forgivable. It has not burned anything essential in anyone.

I hope you find your way out of the maze soon. It is time to stop punishing yourself for your past actions.

Mushy Pancakes--

Excellent posts.


Nachshle--



Aren't you a prince of a man? You aren't mired in depression because you're lazy or unmotivated or untalented. You're mired in depression because your sensitive soul aches for the wrong you did your wife three years ago.

Nonsense.

You're hugging your guilt and your depression because you're scared to find out that without these burdens you're a nebbish, a no one.

Who will you be when you choose to take the road less travelled? Will you ever take that road? Will you ever know.

This may have been in fun but it really does work in gaining self esteem and overall feeling of good.

To me, one of the problems here is our poster marrying the first person he had a relationship with. He had little perspectiive - again, this is from my point of view - on marrying, and not much perspective afterwards. Kind of like being hit by a freight train.

People need to live on their own, explore who they are, develop who they are, and marry another grown-up.

This is not to say that early marriage can't work, but I'm not its biggest fan.

to me the issues of marrying the first one that came along, staying in it even after he was sure that it was wrong, feeling guilt about staying and then also leaving, and general depression, are all faces of the same thing....being closed off from life. I think that the best use of your energy will be tackling the larger cause of all of the problems, which most people would do in a professional setting.

Thanks everyone.

Ossobuco, you are exactly right.

And Hawkeye, yes, so are you. Without a doubt I have been closed off from life. On the surface I have led a very adventurous life, but I realise now it was a house of cards. It might sound like a cliche, but I didn't know what love was. And I mean love in all its forms, including showing love to family and friends. My motto which I am hanging on to is 'be kind, show love'. I'm not doing very well at it, but I'm working on it!!

fyi: the final straw in my marriage was I fell in love with one of my colleagues. For the first time in my life. Does this sound strange?
No doubt people out there have some opinions!

Love is a condition of the soul, it is a connection to life, so you are on the right track.

I encourage you to read Thomas Moore "care of the soul" and the rest of his work. He talks about how depression is not a problem to be rid of, it is an invitation to a deeper life. The way past depression is through the depression, by learning from it what it has to teach you about yourself and life. If all goes well one grows out of depression.

AS for your question; we don't choose who we love, sometimes our loves are darned inconvenient.